A Vent Book

9/1/20

Hello.

Even I don't know how it's been, really, but I'll try.

It is confirmed that I will be seeing my mother this month. I am nervous. It is not reasonable, but what would happen if she rejected the person I have become? 

I do not know.

My relationship with the adults in my house has been getting worse.

My dad's girlfriend enjoys yelling at children because of her own unresolved childhood trauma. It is pretty stupid and just does more harm then good. Also she does not like trans people and that makes me afraid of existing.

My dad himself keeps revealing what he actually thinks more and more. Sure, it feels bad to be yelled at in general, but to break down someone's mask they had so specially crafted to protect your feelings to the point where they just actively mock you? Arguably worse.

He doesn't understand anything about me, he doesn't want to because whenever I try to tell him he won't let me talk, he mocks me for a habit I've always had, of muttering to myself, he thinks he knows everything just because he's older, he constantly invalidates my opinion, and he hasn't done anything about his girlfriend since I started actually talking about what she does.

I wonder how long it is before he'll have to choose between two promises he made- loving her forever or loving me forever.

Sometimes it feels like my memory's getting worse and worse. That's a problem. I should say something about it. Then again, the same could be said for my joint problems, but the only time I spoke of that was very recent. Something very similar could be said about my headmates, but I've kept that entirely a secret from my family and every medical professional I've seen so far. I do not want to see how they would handle it.

Since I decided to leave, I have made one new friend.

Which may have been a mistake.

It's easy to become addicted, to long for a taste of something you so rarely ever had. I want to feel happy. But only a few things ever cause that. So when a person can do it for me, I fall head over heels and end up getting hurt.

But other then when I'm exposed to feelings it just feels heavy. The hourglass was set a long time ago, but the sand only stays at the top, just pushing, pushing down on the space below it.

And I don't remember things ever being this tiring. I thought school was just boring, not draining. I thought I kinda liked people.

Guess not.

I know all of this will only get worse if I just leave it, but why try to sing onstage when they'll just unplug your speakers?