Heartstrings

| first string |

I.

"You said you'll wait for me." mariin kong wika.

"I did. But I never thought that it will be this long."

"Sabi mo kahit gaano katagal. Kahit abutin pa ng ilang taon, hihintayin mo ako. Men, you are all the same."

He shifted his gaze, darting his eyes at me like a hawk. I remained looking at him with the same intensity, not wanting to back down.

"I'm not like your dad, Trix, if that's what you're trying to imply."

I slapped him hard that I can already feel my hands stinging. I just can't stop it. He knows how much I hated him but he still mentioned him. Ganoon ba siya kagalit sa akin na lahat ng makakasakit sa akin ay handa niyang banggitin?

Nanatili siyang nakayuko ng ilang segundo bago ibinalik ang tingin sa akin.

"I waited for you. Seven years, Trix. We're done in high school, I waited. We graduated in college, I waited.. up to now that you're already successful. You reached the dream you desired for your family and for yourself. The band? Sunod-sunod 'yong gigs. Label lang, Trix. I'm just waiting for you to say yes. But you never did."

Napahinto ako, hindi alam ang sasabihin. Ang kaninang nakayukom na kamao ay tila nakawala sa kadenang nagpapanitili nito sa hindi paggalaw. Namumula ang kaniyang pisngi at tainga. Mula sa madilim na pasilyo, nakita ko ang sunod-sunod na pagtulo ng kaniyang luha.

"Hindi ba ako kasama sa pangarap na 'yon, Trix? Kasi.. ikaw lang talaga 'yong pinangarap ko. And when you were already at the peak, I started asking myself if there is wrong with me? If I am not enough? If I am not really that trustworthy for you not to entrust your heart to me?"

"I asked you to stop if you can't wait for me, but you said no! And now, you're backing down? You're a coward, Gil!" I said, not wanting to lower my pride.

"Guess what, Trix? I really am. Because I never told you that you bore a hole in my chest, that it still hurts even if it's empty."

Panibagong punyal ang tumusok sa dibdib ko. Napupuno ng tinik ang lalamunan ko sa pagpipigil ng iyak. I forced myself to be strong a long time ago and it became real. I didn't want my mask to fall off from my face, because it's now part of my whole generality. I didn't want to look like a weakling.. not in front of him. He said that he likes my strong spirit, so it should remain here. I smirked. I'm still thinking of him, despite of me hearing that he's already tired of waiting.

"Remember that time when I needed to join a sleepover for my thesis? You said yes but I know that you didn't like it so I convinced my group mates that I'll just do my part. And the first time I told you I was jealous? You said that I didn't have the rights so I should stop babbling about that topic so I stopped.. I never said it again. It hurts, you know? Not being able to say anything because you are not allowed to speak, and the pain just doubled because there are words that I wanted say to the girl I love but I'm too scared to cross the line she drawn between us."

It's like a film that started playing in my head. I remember all of it. And it pained me that it makes me remember how selfish I am and how unfair I am to him. Why I am this scared to commit? Why I can't even say the three words he's longing to hear? Why love doesn't look like easy when it comes to me?

"I understand that you didn't want to commit. And damn, I respect that because I am truly in love with you. Remember when you brought me a bottled water after the tournament? Remember when you accidentally touched my hair and you became the epitome of a tomato.. then you asked me not to let it grow again that long. Remember when you took care of me because I had a fever? Remember when you cried because you can't find me when we entered a horror house? I exactly didn't know if you're just scared of being left behind and seeing some looking horrible creatures or you are scared of losing me." He stopped for a second. "Those little things.. brought me happiness. I'm holding on to those, kasi.. baka kahit kaunti, may nararamdman ka rin para sa akin. But, tell me, Trix. Do I deserved that half-baked feelings?"

He smiled. My tears fell.

"This relationship already caused too much pain. I didn't want this to wreck us more to the extent that our hearts were beyond repair." he laughed, once more.

Ha. I would miss that laugh.

"I never knew that I'd be the one saying it.. Kasi sa ating dalawa? Mas takot akong umalis ka. But here it goes.. Goodbye, Trix."

I wanted to tell him that I love him too.. that I'm just so scared of telling it because like him.. I was so afraid to speak. There are too much what ifs I couldn't stop thinking and there are things that I couldn't say because I didn't want to taint his soul with my hurtful words.. that I'll just end up causing a ruckus when a bomb like me explode so all I ever did was to protect him.. from me, but the thing is.. I am no hero. And I'm not aware that protecting him would only destroy him.

He turned his back on me. The guitar he was carrying fell, breaking its strings.

My heart broke.

I heard the fading sound of his converse shoes at the sloppy ground. The splashing puddles told me to chase him.. but I never did.

Guess what, Gil? I'm the real coward here.