A Game Of Pawns

Chapter 16

    We had been walking for a while, falling back into our positions with Saris and I leading the way. I was doing my best to remember the quickest way to the thrift store and Saris was checking the corners of every cross street we found in case we came across an enemy. No one spoke. Despite being in the lead, I felt like I was steps behind both of them in every aspect. How was I supposed to contribute to this team? Isn't there a saying about how a team is only as strong as their weakest player? What would that mean for us?

I played Demi and Saris' fight over in my mind. They were so fast, so quick on their feet. And it wasn't only that their attacks were quick, it was also their reactions to the other's attack. Planning out moves without really having the time to think about them. They had amazing instincts. Saris made sense. I don't know how long he had been an assassin, but he clearly knew what he was doing in a fight and I'm sure he had training and experiences with this type of stuff for years before he was even put into this game. Demi was a different story. I don't know much about her life before she got here, but she spent a year fighting for her life and I'm sure that allowed her to get exponentially better in a short time. But what about before she got here? Did she have any kind of combat experience? I almost hope so. That way, maybe I won't be so far behind everyone else. Being behind Demi and Saris was one thing, but being behind everyone I'd meet would be another.

I remembered fighting the trio in the doctor's office the day before and I tried to remember what all had happened. Saris said that I had done well and that's how I had felt at the time, but what really happened? They surprised us. We retreated and hid. Saris took on the first two alone and the last one had caught hold of me. That's it. He just grabbed me. He could have taken me out but he didn't. He wasn't concerned about me, he just wanted me as leverage against Saris. His guard was down and I was able to take advantage of it. I didn't even realize his guard was down, I just reacted and I happened to be lucky enough that he wasn't prepared. Even then, all I did was get him on the ground. Saris did all of the hard work.

I didn't know when, but soon I would have to face the moral dilemma. When it comes down to it, will I have what it takes to kill someone? Murder was something I had never even considered before, but now it was a concept that seemed to be staring me down, impatiently waiting for my sword to strike into the flesh of another. Video games were one thing, but they were not real life. Even if Saris calls this a 'game' and even if I've also started calling it the same, these are real people. They're not here by choice any more than I am, but I know that they would not hesitate to kill me and I knew, deep down, that I needed to do the same. What I didn't know is if I could bring myself to do it.

"You're quiet," Saris said after passing another cross street. "What's on your mind?"

"Well," I paused, debating whether or not to open up to him, "do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Go ahead."

"When was the first time you killed someone?"

Saris slowed. "That was a long time ago. Before the game. It was my first job. It went wrong." Saris' face changed slightly. His eyes were more narrow than before and his scowl made me wonder if I upset him, but then I realized that he was reliving the moment, going back into his younger self and I imagined him as a different person. Not more deadly, but darker all the same. "I missed my shot; I hesitated. He tackled me and I had to kill him with my hands." He turned to me, his face returning to the Saris I knew. I relaxed, not realizing how tense I had been moments before. Then he sighed, somehow knowing what I had really wanted to ask: what will happen to me when I have to kill someone? "Everyone is affected after taking a life."

Demi put a hand on my shoulder. "It's not that you need to learn to be okay with it." She said sadly. "You just... have to learn to live with it." I looked down and Demi bent to look in my eyes, "You haven't done it yet, have you?" I shook my head in response. She just looked at me. It felt like she was looking through me, like she knew everything about me without me having to tell her; like she knew more about me than I did. "When it happens, find me."