What He Left Behind

Twenty

For the next few days, I don't leave the house once. Everything has gone wrong as I so badly feared it would and if my mother gets to hide away from all her problems then so do I. I don't prepare the dinner like I always do and I don't clean the house like I always do and I don't take care of my mother like I always do. Thank god we're on Thanksgiving break because I know I wouldn't be able to manage going to school or to work like I always do. I feel isolated and alone, knowing full well there are only two people that could make me feel better but one of them is dead and the other one is headed that way. I hate myself for ever getting into the position where my happiness, and even just my very ability to function, is dependent on other people.

On the Monday, I feel angry; my mother has yet to apologise for hitting me. What sort of woman can hit her own daughter and not so much as have the decency to apologise? My father hasn't even tried to make excuses for her. After what happened, my mother and I went back to our rooms and early the next morning my father fucked off back to work just like he always does and none of us have spoken to each other since. I'm sick to death of telling them time and time again what they are doing wrong and how they make me feel like crap, only for them to persistently ignore me. They're not being proper parents and I can't for one second see what drove them to have kids in the first place if they can't actually take care of them.

I feel angry because Charlie hasn't made any effort to contact me. I wonder if he remembers that I looked after him when all the rest of his friends, quite understandably, left him. It pisses me off that I waste my time looking after him when he gets himself into a mess, only to get left out in the cold in return. He knows how much his addiction affects me but he never does anything about it.

I feel angry because Austin left me when he knew how much I loved him and how much I did for him. He knew I depended on him and he knew how much I needed him but he didn't even think about me when he injected so much heroin his frail body couldn't handle it. I gave up my social life, my goals and ambitions, and my peace of mind so that I could look after him because looking after a drug addict is a fucking full time job. I didn't do it out of choice. I did it because I loved him. How I wish we got to choose who we love, because I sure as hell would like to love people who aren't addicted to slowly killing themselves.

By the Wednesday, the anger has subdued and hurt comes into play. I'm upset with my mother because I never thought she'd go so far as to hit me. Most kids run to their moms for support when they're upset. I've never been able to do that and it sucks.

I'm upset by my father because he hasn't once checked whether I'm okay. Does he not care enough to even wonder whether I'm hurt?

I'm upset by Charlie because he still hasn't made any effort to contact me and I hate that I keep trying to help him because I care about him so much even though it feels like he couldn't care less about me. The good parts of our friendship are so good and I can't bear to distance myself from him but I'm struggling enough to look after myself, let alone him aswell.

I'm upset by Austin leaving because I miss his laugh and I miss how he would take me down town to get ice-cream whenever I'd had a bad day and I miss how he would help me with my English papers when I was inundated with homework. I miss him so much and I can't cope without him. None of us can cope without him.

When Friday comes around, having spent Thanksgiving alone, the hurt has been replaced by guilt. I feel guilty because I pushed my mother over the edge. She's never ever been violent in any way, shape or form, so I must have really hurt her with what I said. She's probably struggling just as much as I am but now I've made things even worse.

I feel guilty because I swore at my dad and didn't appreciate how hard he works to keep a roof over my head and accused him of being a bad parent even though I have it so much better than some kids who don't have parents at all.