My Pain, My Gain
What is pain in the most vulnerable state of a human being? Is it the color black that eats the whole space in a blank paper? Or the agonizing plea of a lost child for the bleeding to stop? Could it be the dried salty tears on someone's cheeks? Or maybe the questionable purpose of someone in this lifetime? We wouldn't really know until we experience it on hand.
We tend to shrug off any unwanted painful memories that suddenly comes our way. I always do that. I'm scared to face the things that hurted me. I refuse to look back on how I was a wreck before without somebody knowing. I hated that era in my life. So weak, dependent, insecure, attention seeker and so disappointed in herself. I hated how I am so close to doing something evil. I hated how I am still considering it until now. I hate myself just for existing. It comes to a point that everything I loved can't even save me. The things I love to do, the things I am good at and the things I look forward to doesn't even give me hope. I started hating everything, question the love of our Creator and my worth. It was the hardest time of my life. My ship keeps on sinking over and over again.
Will someone save? Will someone notice that I'm not okay? Will someone realize that I'm drowning and stuck in my head? I kept on giving signs that something's not right in me. I kept on searching among my friends who's willing to be my saving grace. Little did I know that I already have it. Little did I know that ever since I acknowledge the difficulties in my life, He is already with me. Even before my problems became real...He is with me. He is in me.
Now what is pain in my most vulnerable state? Pain is Him telling me to surrender everything to His hands. Pain is Him helping me realize my worth and capability. Pain is Him being my saving grace. Pain is His way of telling me that He loves me and that I should come back and seek for his righteousness. I hated pain but He turned it to something I now look forward to. Because now when I feel pain, it means He wants me to grow, learn and discover the better me. Pain is His way of showing how much He cares for me.
I shouldn't be fearing pain. I should look forward to it. It might be crazy but I want to change my perspective so that I wouldn't be this broken and so I can pull myself up stronger and bolder than ever. I'm still on the process of moving on and being okay. I can't say that it'll be quick and easy, I might experience withdrawal but I'll fight until I can't anymore. He is fighting for me so I should also fight for myself. Everything works out in the end.
