Where Is God? - Sabriel

ii (captain)

I'd never thought about being attracted to men before Gabriel. Perhaps that's because no man has given the impression of being attracted to me before Gabriel, and that's really messed with my head. That, along with the new school (again! I can't count how many different school's I've been to on both of my hands) has left my brain feel somewhat fried. Since the move, I've been jumping from day to day in a sort of unfocused, yet hyper concentrated, haze. The days have blurred into one indistinguishable mess and I've barely had a minute alone with my thoughts, a fact I'm grateful for because whenever I do have a second to spare all I can think about is him and his mischievous smirks, sugar coated lips, flirtatious comments, and whether or not I actually have a thing for him or if I'm just confused by his advances. It'd make sense, I suppose. Dad drags us around the country from place to place, and then is hardly around, otherwise preoccupied with whatever job he's got on. Sometimes, Dean and I won't see him for days, and we'll have to fend for ourselves. There's nothing unusual about that; it's been the deal since mum died.

I don't remember her, but Dean does. He keeps a picture of her in his wallet that I see him look at frequently, when he thinks I'm not looking. He'll be hunched over his bed, staring at that tiny picture, worn and frayed around the edges. Sometimes he'll talk to her, like she's god. It's like Chuck Palahniuk says in Fight Club- our fathers are our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell us about God? Well, in this case, our father didn't cut it God-wise, because even when he is around he doesn't act much like a father, so Dean clings to fading memories of our mother as his deity instead, praying to her.

Anyway, there's a summary of my abandonment issues, that obviously aren't as bad as Dean's because like I said, I don't remember mum, and I've always him as a big brother to look out for me. I've never had time to make proper friends and form emotional bonds with people, because I'm never around long enough for it. So Gabriel's attention is intoxicating. I can't get enough of it. It leaves me dizzy and breathless and longing for more and I think I'd do just about anything to get him to wink at me the way he does. With Gabe, I feel seen, noticed, acknowledged, like I'm a person and I matter.

And herein lies the issue: do I like him like that, or am I just convincing myself that I do because I think that by liking him he'll continue to give me attention? I just don't know, and I can't act on anything until I do. It simply isn't fair to lead him on until I know for sure. Then again, who's to say he actually likes me and isn't just trying to get under my skin?

He's definitely succeeded in getting under my skin, that's for sure. He managed it exactly 2 seconds into our first meeting, in maths. I was there early, grabbed a seat in the back corner away, I'd hoped, from everyone. Gabriel kind of threw that plan out of the window. He waltzed in, bag slung over his shoulder, chewing on something (sweets. It's always sweets), eyes nonchalantly scanning the room until they happened to land on me. His eyes lit up, grin spreading over his face, and he made his way over, sliding into the seat next to me. He rested his elbow on the table, his jaw on his fist, eyeing me up.

"What's a pretty guy like you doing in a place like this?" Were the first words he said to me.

The blood rushed to my cheeks immediately, and all I could do was pray that I didn't look as warm as I felt.

"Wh- uh- are you- do you-" I stuttered uncontrollably, which only served to elevate my embarrassment. I had no idea what had come over. I'd never had this problem before with girls that flirted with me, in fact, I like to think I'm rather smooth.

Gabriel laughed at my embarrassment. "Calm down, sugar. You look kinda hot. In both senses of the word," he joked, winking and offering his hand to me. "Gabriel Novak. It's a pleasure to meet you."

I swallowed my stutters and shook his hand. "Sam Winchester. It's, uh, nice to meet you too."

"Where are you from, Samuel?"