Where Is God? - Sabriel

vii

It took a hell of a lot of convincing to get me to agree to let Cas look after the kids for my birthday. Eventually, it seemed more problematic to refuse. It would raise more awkward question and create more issues than it solved. My first birthday without my father. Hm.

I was convinced my siblings would have forgotten, but they didn't, bless them. Michael and Castiel chipped in to get me a massive pile of sweets and chocolate. Anna and Balthazar drew me pictures, then sat on my lap as they pointed at different parts of it, explaining what they'd drawn.

"This is me, and this is you, and this is a puppy, and this is a lollipop, and this is a balloon, and this is a rainbow, and this is the sun..."

It's adorable, really, the effort they've gone to for me. It's easy to forget that I exist sometimes, and that people know who I am and maybe even care. I'm so preoccupied trying to fix everything and look after everyone that it slips my mind that I'm still their big brother, and they want to do things for me, too.

Before I leave, I have a chat with Castiel.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay looking after them?" I ask for the millionth time.

"Of course I will be, Gabriel," Cas assures me (for the millionth time).

"Gabe, it'll be fine. When was the last time Anna and Balth caused any trouble?" Michael speaks up.

"Yeah, yeah... you're right," I concede. "Sorry. I'm just overthinking. I don't want anything to go wrong while I'm away."

"Gabriel, I know you're trying to step in as dad, but you need to remember that you're not dad. And that's okay," Michael says. It's odd, addressing the elephant in the room, the absence of our father. I can't remember the last time we talked about him. "You're our brother; not our father. It's not your job to look after us, so we can pick up some of the slack and do things sometimes too. You're not the asshole that fucked off and left us alone. You stuck around when dad and Lucifer didn't. That's enough."

Michael doesn't say a lot these days, but from those wise words, I can tell he thinks a lot, and is aware of far more than I give him credit for. He may even be more sensible than me, because he's right. I'm not their father and that's okay. That's okay, I tell myself. With those few sentences, Michael has managed to do what no one else has done in months: he's made me feel better about our situation. The clouds clear, and there's a beam of sunshine that reaches me, warming me with it's optimism. I'm here and that's enough...

"Thank you, Mike. I think I needed to hear that, and, uh, yeah... Thank you," I mumble awkwardly.

Michael grins, lightly punching my shoulder. "Go have fun, you uptight bastard."

I laugh and nudge his shoulder back. "Since when did you start swearing so much?"

"Since I thought it'd piss dad off. Every time I swear it's like a 'fuck you' to him. I hope he feels it."

I'm impressed by his spite.

"I hope he feels it too. Just try keep it to a minimum in front of the kids," I request.

Michael rolls his eyes. "Okay, dad," he says jokingly. "Now go! Have a good time!"

"Have fun, Gabriel," Cas says, giving me one of his small smiles.

"Bye, Gabe!" Anna and Balthazar chorus.

I shout a goodbye to them as I leave the house, throwing a jacket on.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GABRIEL!"

I jump back in shock, heart stopping momentarily, choking back a scream. I'm greeted by my best friends, gathered outside my house, waiting for me to come outside. Jody, Garth, Charlie, and Sammy.