Where Is God? - Sabriel

iii

TW: panic attack

Gabriel text me at 2 O, clock in the morning. 2am! Who the hell is awake at 2am on a school day? Gabriel bloody Novak, that's who. He's unlike anyone I've ever met. His presence is infatuating and I itch to be near him again, as well as dreading seeing him. What if I crossed a line yesterday and he acts weird with me? I didn't think I was the type to get attached so completely so quickly, given my lack of attachment in the past, but now... I don't know how I'd cope if Gabriel decided he didn't like me.

I wake up at 7 everyday to get ready to leave by 8 to be at school by 8.45, if Dean isn't driving, which he can't, because dad took the car and isn't back yet. That used to infuriate me, his complete lack of consideration to our needs and the absence of contact from him. I used to spend sleepless hours restless, wondering if he was okay, if he was hurt and if that's why he hadn't called us. Now, however, I simply don't give a shit. Maybe he's drunk himself to death. At this point, it really doesn't make much of a difference to our lives whether he's dead or alive, a cold, heartless fact, I know. I can't say I feel guilty about acknowledging my animosity towards my dad.

Our fathers are our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell us about God?

Either that he doesn't exist, or that he does and he's an asshole, is what I think whenever I do religious studies. It's liberating, sometimes, to believe in a benevolent higher being that always has your back, always looks out for you, knows what's best for you, and, in his own indiscernible way, is forever guiding you along the right path. I take comfort in that, let it assure me that things will work out because 'God has a plan'. Other times, it just frustrates me even more. Just because God exists, doesn't mean he's a nice guy, doesn't mean he's looking out for us, as devout believers insist. It could just mean that he's created this disaster called the human race and left us to get on with it, allowing us to destroy one another as well as ourselves, piece by piece, descending into an inevitable oblivion. Maybe it just means that there's another person I look up to who's supposed to care for me has abandoned me because they don't care. Yet again.

I get up at 7, as always, check my phone, and there's the text from Gabriel, with far too many X's and O's.

Why did you text me at 2am?

I get up, stretch and yawn, stiffness from sleep leaving my muscles as I elongate my body. Ping.

Because that's when I finished my homework xoxoxo

It took you that long??

I had a lot to do, Samster. I can hear your judgement through the screen xoxoxo

I smile and shake my head at him, a lightness and excitement infusing me as we text back and forth. He's not being weird with me. The kisses are weird, but that's just an extension of his usual perplexity.

How much sleep did you get? X

My finger hesitates over the send button on this one, biting my lip uncertainly. Does the kiss make me seem desperate? Don't be an idiot, he's sent a million shamelessly. This means nothing. So I send it.

I rub my eyes and have a quick shower before school, coming back to my room with another text.

Ooo do you care about how much sleep I get, Sammy-boo? Xoxoxoxox

Shut up.

:(((((((((((((((((

See you later, sugar xoxoxoxox

See you, Gabe xx

A smile lingers on my lips for the remainder of the morning, eating breakfast with a sleepy, grumpy Dean, who refuses to acknowledge our uncomfortable conversation yesterday, and ploughs on as usual, which I'm perfectly content with. We walk to school, each with a headphone in, mostly not speaking (Dean is completely uncommunicative in the mornings. I'm lucky if I get a grunt out of him after his second coffee), but occasionally talking about our lessons.