Know My Pain

April: Social Media Updates

April 5: Self-Isolation, Day 26: Blake climbed into our bed this morning, laid her head on my belly and said, "Good morning, baby". She woke me up from my nap this afternoon by peppering kisses all over my face. She patiently waited for James to finish eating breakfast this morning before she pushed her plate over to him and then climbed into his lap to snuggle. Sometimes she is the most perfect child. And sometimes she is on a Zoom call with James' entire family and says, "you all stink" and then walks away.

April 6: Self-Isolation, Day 27: I walked on the treadmill for 5 of the longest minutes today, so I'm pretty sure I'm ready for labor now. I realized this morning that our older neighbors next to us get dressed every single day in real clothes, and maybe we should be taking notes from them. Blake is naked in the backyard so maybe she won't take notes from anyone.
Sometimes when the baby is especially quiet all day I turn Sam Smith up and put my phone to my belly until she punches the phone in a very "okay, I get it, mom" moment, and now I know that I raise sassy children from the womb and it's mainly my fault. I love walking into James' office every morning and saying hi and knowing that he's here all day with us. Blake looks so happy here. She is so happy here.

April 8: Self-Isolation, Day 29: Tomorrow I will be 24 weeks pregnant, which is when a baby outside of the womb starts having an actual chance at surviving. Which means if I got sick now and was dying, they could most likely save the baby.
And that's what I've been thinking about lately.

April 12: Self-Isolation, Day uh., 33: I am finding out a lot about what kind of play Blake enjoys v. what kind of play Im good at v. what kind of play James is good at. Which makes me feel weird because I've been at home with Blake for three years now, and I still feel like I learn something new every day.
I woke myself up multiple times overnight crying out in my sleep and I don't know what that's about but it was stressful.
The baby has caught onto my tactics and no longer responds to my blaring of Sam Smith and now I have to find other ways to annoy her so that I know she's still alive.
I have to go to the grocery next weekend because I'm out of chocolate chips.

April 18: Self-Isolation, Day 39: Not every day has to be a good day.
Blake went on a walk with me today and we got a block away she said she was done. I told her that I wasn't done and she said, "okay, bye" and turned around and walked home AND LIKE A FOOL I FOLLOWED HER. This picture is when she saw our house and took off running to get back inside.
Braxton Hicks are running my life right now.
I haven't baked anything today and I'm pretty sure it's affecting my mood.
I'm ready for July.
I (still) miss the zoo.

April 19: Self-Isolation, Day 40: All of my pictures are slightly pixelated lately, it's because there is flour all over my phone. And because I keep sanitizing my phone whenever I leave the house. YOU KNOW.
Today is already better than yesterday, because I made scones and they're in the oven right now.
I've been telling James that we need an air purifier for our room for over a year and two nights ago James commented that Magnor seems to be having a reaction to something in our room.
So now we've bought an air purifier.
FOR THE DOG.
Whatever, I'm just carrying his child.
James is on day two of wearing this massive pink bow around the house, and it brings Blake such joy. And it brings me such entertainment.
This is a video of Blake singing her heart out. Sometimes I don't want to tell the world how happy I am because I'm afraid the world will take that happiness away from me.
But I am happy.
And Blake is happy.
And soon Magnor will be happy.

April 22:
Self-Isolation, Day 43: In three days Blake will be three, and that feels like a long time to still be angry about her birth.
Sometime in the next 14 weeks I'll give birth for the second time. And it probably won't go how I plan for it to go.
And so I plan to just let go.
My plan is to not have a plan.
My plan is to not come home angry.
My plan is to survive.

April 24: Self-Isolation, Day 45: Today I had the most lovely L&D nurse named Karen and I will never again make a Karen joke.
This is the second time this week that I've started my day without a hot chocolate and I do not approve.
It turns out that you shouldn't take your blood pressure as soon as you wake up because it will be high and unreliable and then you'll let the nurse on-call scare you into going to the hospital in the middle of a pandemic.
It has been over 45 days since I've last taken a shower by myself. Normally if I need that alone time I wait until James takes Blake to the gym and then i shower by myself during that time.
Last night I took a bath with Blake, and after she went to bed I went downstairs and took another shower, by myself. It was v comforting and the water was for once allowed to be something other than lukewarm.