Know My Pain

Friday, March 13 2020: A letter to Blake

Today is Friday, March 13th. Four days ago I started keeping you at home all day long. You don't go to the gym, or to music, or over to visit the neighbors. We went to the grocery store but I kept you in your stroller and didn't let you touch anything. We've had takeaway but haven't gone into any restaurants. Our zoo has closed. So has our science center. You're adjusting well for now but I know there will come a time that you want to GO somewhere, and not just play hide and seek in our bathroom.

You have the croup. And I'm pregnant. I recently found out that when you have both eczema and allergies, like you do, that you're more likely to have asthma. And if you have asthma, you likely got it from a parent. Me. So we're already sick, and I think that if we got the coronavirus that we'd both be in a lot of trouble. And it has been really hard..., and I've said this a lot in parenthood and I mean it now just as much as i did those other times, to advocate for you. Even to yourself. My sister just stopped by to drop something off, and your little heart broke when I wouldn't let you leave with her. That's the hardest thing about parenting, when you feel like you have to do things that no one else understands or appreciates.

For me, this is the hardest part of being an adult. I had to make a lot of decisions when i was younger, but I could easily pass it off as "my mom said no" or "I left my dog at home and i can't leave him all night". Now, when I say no, I just have to stand in my own knowing, without excuses. Without adult back up. Sometimes I have your dad to back me up. But sometimes, a lot of time, it's just me.

We've been casually buying extra food every time that we've been grocery shopping in the past few weeks, and yesterday was the last time that we'll be going for the foreseeable future. That sounds terrifying, so I try to remind myself that when i was younger and lived in western Kansas, we very rarely went grocery shopping because we had to drive an hour to the nearest Walmart.

I also try to remind myself that other generations have seen pandemics before. That not all of them survived. That they were also scared. But that panicking didn't do them any good. Things that also didn't do them any good: trusting their government over their own gut instinct.

I'm already pretty used to being at home, because I have you and you're a homebody lately. But I have had to change some things about my schedule. I don't check social media, specifically Twitter, any time after 4ish in the afternoon. I say ish because I'm human and sometimes I just HAVE to know if anything has changed.

Oh, Blakey.

It's like..., first I have to picture the absolute worst thing that could happen to us in a scenario. And if someone says something incredibly harmful like "it'll be okay" or "you don't need to worry" then it becomes much worse. Because then I have doubt on top of anxiety. Fear. Anger.
And then I can think about the next to worst thing that could happen. And work my way down from there.
Last night James offered to take vacation for the next two weeks. He wouldn't go to work. He wouldn't leave the house. And that's not what he wanted, but what he was willing to do, for me.
And it immediately helped calm me down.