Know My Pain

May: Social Media Updates

May 6: Self-Isolation, Day 57: All of my feelings are too vast for words.
Tomorrow I will be 28 weeks pregnant.
Stiiiill haven't painted the baby room.

May 18: I'm at the point of pregnancy where I can't remember what vitamins I took this morning. Or if I took any?
I'm 90% sure that if I took any, I took the ones that I normally take at night.
Or maybe I didn't take any.

May 22:
Wednesday was National Rescue Dog Day and I've been thinking of these two ever since.
Last month I was having some chest pain (shout out third trimester) and I was too nervous to go to the doctor for...a lot of reasons. And every night I would lay in bed and stress out. And every night Wulf would eventually move from the foot of the bed until he had shoved himself up against my back.
And then I could be calm.
And then I could go to bed.

So really, who rescues who.

May 29: I am trying to put into words what a week this has been.

Dear Instagram Diary,
This week I had a sonogram, because Fiadh hadn't moved in six days and I was almost convinced that she had died (she is okay).
This week Blake had her first group play date, and I watched her soak it in and enjoy it, and then I watched her come down from the overstimulation with tears and a heavy meltdown of emotions.
This week I reported a tweet that threatened the lives of countless people, from the Twitter of the President.
This week, Blake verbally told me that when she wakes up in the night and it is dark that the shadows in her room scare her.
This week I had a conversation with my husband about the fear that I have of accidentally passing on racism. About how cops have too much power. About what I would do and how I would feel and what I would burn to ashes, if someone was violently ripped away from me.
This week I laid outside and sang a song about you, and me, and we.
This week I told my mom that I still love and have a relationship with God, but that I no longer believe in organized religion.
This week I had a conversation with a beautiful friend about the power of knowing grief.
This week I thought a lot about what financial decisions I make, and want to make.
This week I went to the grocery store without intense fear for the first time.

Diary, it was a long week.
And I am still here.