𝗛𝗘𝗔𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 ━━ 𝖻𝗋𝗒𝖼𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗅𝗅

𝘅𝗶𝘃. 𝘅𝗮𝗻𝗻𝘆

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december 3, 2019
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WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY WHERE you're expected to do drugs. you're expected to drink and smoke. i never got into it, except for the occasional puff of a juul to relieve nerves; or simply for the headrush. or maybe a sniff of a line. a bit of weed every now and then.

i just needed that shit for my anxiety. it didn't control me, unlike some people. but this time, it didn't work. i had done lines, hit jaden's puff, shared a blunt with him. nothing cured that feeling in my throat. the pit in my stomach. i didn't know what to do.

"fuck!" i yell, banging on the steering wheel. i cried out in pain, not physically. emotionally. and as corny as that fucking sounds, that's just how i felt. i don't even know what bryce is doing. after i stormed away from his sorry ass, i talked to jaden and did teenager shit. i thought i was overreacting.

but i saw him kiss her. i saw bryce kiss addison. and now, i feel everything i felt before. i knew this was a bad idea, the moment i agreed to it. why did i even agree? why did i get attached. my anxiety was over the roof. i couldn't handle it. i just couldn't. after what happened to peep, i promised myself i wouldn't do xans, but i didn't know where else to go. i got out of my car, looking for his old seller on rodéo.

"aurelia!" i hear behind me, making me panic. hollywood fix. "can we get a statement? the fans wanna know about brycelia!"

"brycelia isn't real. it never was." i scoffed, looking around the dark, yet filled, street. i began to panic. i clutch onto my head, groaning. "um, i...i need to-" i say, breathily.

"are you okay?"

"manic. i think im having a manic episode." i whisper to myself. "i-i'm okay. i just need to—i just need to..." i walk into someone. "sorry." i mumble, vision going blurry. i try to focus, seeing a familiar face. i found peeps xan plug. he looks at my purse. i look down to it, seeing a case. i sighed. "sorry about that." i gulp. i already venmoed him the cash. i was set.

"aurelia? are you okay?" fletcher says.

"im fine. im fine. im okay." i gulp, panicky.

"your nose is bleeding." my hands immediately reach for my nose, wiping the liquid with my hand. i look at the thick red liquid.

"i gotta get out of here." i say, walking to my car, shakily. as soon as i entered, i felt relief after remembering i had tinted windows. i open the case, spilling some of the tabs. "shit." i pick them up, putting one in my mouth. i breathe, in and out. i was gonna be okay.

but i wasn't. the next day, the guilt of betraying peep filled me with anxiety. would he be mad? would he hate me? does he even care? he would be so disappointed. and so, to calm those nerves, i took more. until a week passed by. i was stuck in the same cycle. i failed him, just like i fail everyone. i broke the promise. i failed him, and for that, i want to die.