Spinning

Chapter 28: call me The Rock

            Eddie sheepishly emerges from the bathroom. His hair hangs low around his face and he makes no attempt to push it back. A protective curtain, I imagine, protection from my emotional instability. I have my clothes back on, in bed, with my covers up to my neck, protection from the emotional fissure between Eddie and I.

"Sorry... I, well, I uh, I forgot a condom again, and I didn't want to... repeat history..." Fuck. He's should be sensitive to this... how could he forget? 

"And, er, I guess my technique needs some work... we can try again..." He already knows the answer to that one, as his cheeks turn red. I wish he would turn the light off. Everything is better under the cover of darkness.

I don't speak. I'm Gwen Stefani, telling him don't speak as I can't speak. I only just stopped the tears, and if I speak again, I know they'll start pouring out. I just shake my head. I'm being ripped apart, right down the middle, starting right at my beating heart. I'm being ripped apart by my love – no, love isn't the right word – infatuation with Eddie, and the knife twisting pain of his infidelity. I can't speak, but now more than any other time are my words necessary. Eddie's voice, nothing more than a deep, emotive whisper, talks for me.

"Jordan, I'm so fucking sorry. I wish you could step in my body and feel what I feel. I can't even express this pain. Please, I'll prove myself to you."

I still can't speak. I'm being ripped apart, but I'm also on a goddamn seesaw with my dignity and backbone on one side, and Eddie's body and voice on the other. I'm stuck in the middle, sliding down to one side or the other as each gains or loses power. But only one side ever comes out the victor...

Eddie takes a hesitant step toward me. I only watch him. I don't recoil, which he takes as a sign of encouragement, and soon enough he is sitting next to me on the bed.

"Just one chance. That's it." Tears are welling again. Goddamn it, I need to control this. I shake my head again. Eddie is begging me. Truly begging. I've never seen his eyes so deep.

"Jordan... please..." No one has ever begged for me. How do I fight this? A single tear spills over. I blink rapidly to keep the rest back. Eddie looks like someone just gutted him. I can't take his pain. I can't take my pain.

I reach out and pull him into me. With perhaps too much eagerness, he jumps into the bed next to me, and I'm silently crying into his shirt with his arms wrapped around me. I won't give him the satisfaction of sobbing, but I can't stop the tears either. This is a happy middle ground, I think.

We sit like this for a while. The early signs of the sun start to creep in through the windows, and my tears finally dry. I move to lie horizontally, and Eddie shifts in response. He tames my hair and kisses my cheek.

"Thank you," he whispers in my ear. But I can't. I really can't. I'm a strong bitch.

"I want you to be gone before I wake up."

Eddie's body tenses next to mine, stricken with fear.

"Jordan... please...don't..."

"Gone... before I wake up. Or you can leave now." I don't want him to leave now. I try to keep the venom out of my voice. It's a request, not a demand.

It takes a minute or so before Eddie relaxes ever so slightly. I feel his arms snake around my waist and he buries his face in my hair.

"One night, then."

Exhaustion takes over, and sleep slowly reels me in. I can tell Eddie is still awake beside me, his arms pulling me desperately into his concavity. Is that moisture I feel on my back? It can't be...

Before I can figure out if Eddie is crying, sleep takes me. I'm a strong bitch.