Spinning

Chapter 21: the blood of my uterus

My confidence in our relationship grew with the last waning days of fall. Angela was always a shadowy figure on my mind, but the sunshine of Eddie's love reduced her to a thin, wispy mass. My bed became our bed, his t-shirts became my sleepwear, the sweet essence of Eddie became my elixir of life and Angela was reduced to my mental slave.

Fall brought decaying leaves and deformed pumpkins; Halloween approached with biting gothic winds and full moons. Eddie traded his cotton t-shirts for flannels and sweatshirts while I traded rationality for madness. Not that Eddie knew. Not that I knew.

The Music Men, as I officially dubbed them, are hosting a Halloween party. Stone refused to host another party at his place, claiming the last one left the dogs vomiting for days after they ate a weed brownie soaked in beer they found under the couch. Chris stepped up and offered his apartment, with Stone as a co-host. I offered my planning services to Susan, but not before dubbing myself the Duchess of the Darkness. I freaking love Halloween.

Halloween also happens to be my birthday. My birthday comes second to the festivities though, because I love Halloween, naturally, but more importantly, because I hate birthdays. I hate the attention people expect on their birthdays, I hate giving people said attention, and I hate receiving said attention on my birthday. Which could be why I may have forgotten to mention my birthday to Eddie...

But he is in blissful darkness for the Duchess of Darkness's day of birth, and I keep his attention focused on the unspoken costume contest between us. He won't tell me what he's being, so, naturally, I refuse to tell him my plan. I think I'm going as a vampire. Unoriginal, yes, but I want to be covered in blood. So maybe I'll be Mid-Feast bloody Vampire.

I'm on my bed, daydreaming about the details of the party this weekend and staring as Eddie takes his shirt off to put on his "Security" EnVision uniform.

"Eddie... why don't you quit?" I've asked him this question countless times, all without any satisfactory answer. He doesn't answer again, but I'm feeling feisty.

"Hey, stud..." I throw a sock at him. Still nothing, so I get up and give Eddie a little shove.

"Seriously, why don't you quit?" Eddie finally looks at me and searches my eyes, but remains quiet, looking conflicted. I have one last weapon I can throw, one I've been carrying for a while but wondering if it's too cruel to use...

"You should think about quitting. I never get to see you," I start running my hands over his chest, "It's like we don't know what's going on in each other's lives..."

Ugh. I did it. I said the words that I knew would be a knife in Eddie's diaphragm. Words I know will remind him of his time with Angela, words that allude to Angela's own similar sentiment, that ultimately led to their demise.

And I know it worked. Eddie's eyes are intense, concerned, his eyebrows are in their near-constant furrowed state and a frown appearing on his lips. He's still studying my face, choosing what words he wants to say next.

"I need this job..."

I roll my eyes.

"You don't. The band does well enough that you can support yourself without it."

I know he knows this. The band is doing great. Spectacular, really. Album sales continue to grow, negotiations are in place about a possible tour, and, to Eddie's dismay, he is becoming an icon for the underground alternative movement. He's recognized on the street frequently, and fan mail has been piling up at the studio.

"I don't need it financially. I need it... mentally." I wait for an explanation. Eddie looks at the ground, brooding.

"The band, it's becoming too much. Well, not the band. The success of the band. It's overwhelming, and it's consuming me. I don't want to forget who I am, or... where I came from... or the hardships. Just because I've seen the light doesn't mean I should forget the darkness. That's where the music comes from, the darkness, and I can't lose it..."

I could've cried in that moment. I didn't because I'm a strong bitch, and I recognize my period is near, but the anger and worry in Eddie's voice have me hugging him dramatically. I think to the hardships Eddie is alluding to. I don't know the full story, but I know he had a rough childhood. One day I will find out more... in the meantime, I squeeze as tight as I can with my arms around Eddie's waist.

"Sorry... hormones..."

I can feel Eddie smile against my cheek before he kisses the top of my head.

"It's okay."

He moves to let go but I don't let him.

"You know... you don't have to deprive yourself of sleep or work second jobs to maintain your identity. The darkness is in you, permanently." Eddie processes my words. He doesn't speak, and I have one more thought.

"Just because the world sees you differently doesn't mean you've changed."

Eddie quit that night.

I cried the next day, in secret, when I found out. I got my period an hour later.