Hold My Heart

Chapter Ten

In my dream I am running; running as if my very life depends on it. I’m running from his voice, from the touch of his calloused skin on mine, from the smell of alcohol and pot on his breath- and I know that if I stop he’ll catch me and I’ll never have a chance to escape again. My legs are burning from the effort to keep moving, but if I stop for even the briefest moment he’ll catch me and I’ll be lost. The only sound to be heard is the sound of my feet pounding against the hard dirt as I run through the forest, trying so hard to get away from him. There is a sharp pain in my side, hidden beneath the pale white bones of my rib cage that makes my breaths come out in hard ragged gasps. I feel like I’m dying, and in a way I can’t help but wonder if maybe I am. It feels as if something deep inside of me is withering away and dying like a flower in a garden that has been abandoned and ignored for far too long. I can feel the chilling warmth of his arms as they wrap around my waist and I let out a whimper of anguish as he catches me and pulls me against him. Even in my dreams he seems to catch me, and in this moment I realize that any moment with him will always be a nightmare, even inside my own mind, and especially is Connor isn’t there to save me like he was before.

Suddenly, the scene changes and I find myself pressed against Connor; a sense of relief flooding through me. Once more Connor has saved me from Liam and I find myself melting into the safety of his embrace. He stares at me with a strange glint in his eyes, cold and cruel, and I can’t help but shiver as he grins at me maliciously; baring all of his teeth in a savage smile.

“It’s time to run, Cerulean. Trust is only for the weak.” He says, his words echoing something my mother had once told me during one of her drunken frenzies before she slashed me with the empty liquor bottle that forever left the mark across my stomach.

In an instant, I find myself running again; yet this time from Connor. The scenery around me is swirling around me, as if to clearly show the confusion I feel inside. This is wrong, all wrong, Connor is supposed to protect me; why is he doing this? I run for what feels like an eternity but without seeming to really move, and I’m unable to hear anything over the painfully loud pounding of my heart in my chest. I can hear another pair of feet pounding the ground in sync with me as he begins to catch up from behind me. His hot breath tickles my ear and the side of my face as he whispers into it, but I refuse to look back at him. If I look back, then this will be real, if I look back then I’ll know that my pursuer really is Connor.

“You were fast, Moose,” He says as he catches me, pulling me tightly against his chest as he caresses the side of my face; cupping my cheek with the palm of his hand. “You were so full of life, you had such a spark inside of you,” He mumbles, as if talking more to himself than to me, “It’s such a shame; such a waste.”

Light slowly begins to filter into the confusing landscape, and I find that I’m standing on the very edge of a ledge that falls away into a horrifically pitch black darkness. The only thing that has kept me from falling is Connors tight grip on my waist, and I can’t help but to internally pray that he won’t let me fall; plummeting to what appears to be sure death. His mouth twitches upwards, hinting at a cruel smile and I can feel cold fear settling deep into me.

“Please don’t,” I beg, “I’ll do anything you want.” I find myself crying, the tears running down my muddy face; creating narrow tracks of clean streaks in the constant brown that is coating my cheeks.

“Say it,” His voice rumbles in my ear and I take a shaky breath. Everything is going to be okay, he won’t let me fall. He just wants me to say it to him; he just needs to hear me say it.

“I love you,” I say, my voice hoarse and it doesn’t seem to convey the emotions that I feel deep down; the emotions that I’m sure he wants to see.