Notebook Scribbles

Being the Newbie

Excerpt from Installments of a 25yo blog series-#7 8/30/2020 - Image: an open sign from pixabay,wndj

I GOT A JOB!!!!

Not the research job of my dreams, but in retail and honestly that is something so I'm thrilled.

But with that comes being the newbie. You know the one that doesn't know anything and is stumbling and fumbling until they get their footing?

Yeah, that's me... and today was my first day in the department I am supposed to be at(at my job, everyone gets trained as a cashier first)...the customer service desk. The customer service desk is insane, There are a million things happening and everyone is going everywhere and honestly it's like the ninth ring of hell. The only thing keeping this place together is the camaraderie of everyone behind the desk, realizing the only way through this hell is together. I swear you become a different person after leaving this desk. Maybe that's dramatic. But it's a lot. And today, since I was new, I only got a small taste of it and I was still slightly overwhelmed, but dealing with unhappy customers returning items when the return policy just changed and on a Saturday is probably not the best idea... I didn't come up with it. Or perhaps I did by picking up the register so quickly...look I mean I can't help that!

And honestly this is the perfect metaphor for my life. I'm the newbie, even though I am 25. For so long, I have closed my self off to feeling and being(*Some Kind of Disaster by All Time Low plays in the background*). I would just suck it up and move on like a zombie, not processing what happened just going until I grew tired and rinse and repeat. I have been to therapy throughout college and grad school and it helped me to start the process and start dealing with the aftermath, but it wasn't until now, when I'm out of school and figuring out life that I really had a chance to reflect... and dare I say it, let myself feel.

Now I'm the newbie, stumbling and fumbling through this. The anger, sadness, rage, exhaustion , all hitting me and I'm letting myself experience this and work through it and instead of storing it. But with it also comes the happiness, joy, excitement, elation and the power of finding my voice and using it. The thought of not just existing and surviving, but LIVING. And even though this has been so hard and overwhelming and has been a tough time of going through this process, which continues to be a process... I feel alive for the first time in a long time, possibly ever. I feel this beautiful fire that both burns and gives life and warmth. I feel so much and it's ok.

At first, I hated myself for not letting myself do this earlier, but looking back I couldn't for various reasons. I needed to help my sisters, I needed to get through all the shit with my mom and dad to function another day, I needed to just survive all the things that were happening, get through it because I didn't have the luxury to break down. Today is not overly different, save for the fact I learned that life goes on and that I have to live it and that it is ok to do so and struggle. To not be perfect through it. Sometimes, I revert to old habits of just going, but now I'm aware that I can't just do that and that I need to feel and be alive. Be happy, outraged, sad, depressed, anxious, etc and that I am not less than for this. I could yell, cry, write, sing, express myself and that is valued. I am still loved. That I'm human and living.

That I may not be at my destination, but the journey is important, in fact sometimes more important because that is where you learn and grow, meet friends and enemies, and most importantly... that's where you live. And I am trying so hard to embrace that, especially at this point in my life where it seems that I am not where i want to be yet and I want to be there. But I'm learning so much and that it's ok to take my time-or at least trying to learn(I'm a bit impatient and give myself standards that are near impossible to meet)

So here's to the newbies, you are figuring it out, but you will get there and there are so much ahead of ya! 

Author's Note:

This is an excerpt from my Installments of a 25yo series, where I reflect on different things that come to mind. This particular one I was refelcting on the current phase of my life of just taking stock of myself and rediscovering myself and taking on the challenge of smelling the roses and enjoying the journey, instead of always focusing on the destination. So yeah...that's where this is all from. Hope you got something or if you related , find your own answers.