My Migraine Juice

⚥ Her Beating Heart ⚥

this meme was brought to you by the most ✨powerful bottom✨ ever and he will forever have my soul as thanks
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!tw! Mentions Of D3aTh And Hospitals

Thump, Thump, Thump

I listened tiredly to the rhythmic sound that hummed softly against my ear with every thump, the gentle beat and calming rise and fall of the chest beneath me was putting me at high risk of drifting back off into another heavy slumber.

My fingers carded through her rather overgrown undercut, the shorter ends bristling my fingers as I used the motion to keep my brain awake. The roots of her short hair were going back to their natural chocolate brown, clashing with the clumsily died blonde that looked almost yellow in the lighting. She's always hated her brown hair, reminds her of her mum. I think she looks beautiful either way.

My eyes drooped as I scanned her appearance noting each little dip and curve in her face as she slept peacefully holding my weight with ease against her chest. The light freckles that usually came in bursts around her nose now faded from lack of sun. The dark mole under her left eye seemed to stand out starkly against her ghostly skin tone, her remaining tan from that holiday in Greece now long forgotten.

Her hazel eyelashes fluttered lightly with each intake of breath; brushing against the dark rings under her eyes that could pass off as bruises. I reached out my index finger to trace them gently feeling the slight patchiness of her skin across my fingertips as she laid unfazed, still.

I brought my hand down to her cheek, cupping it lightly whilst unconsciously dragging my thumb up and down out of habit. The tough girl facade she wore like a jacket always crumbled under any form of affection, I had always thought it was utterly adorable. A croaky chuckle fell from my lips as I remembered the countless of times she would storm off, cheeks beet red and lips pouting after being on the receiving end of some well earned smooches.

My eyes burned a little with fresh tears as I remembered each memories spent and cherished over the years. Her goofy smile after making one of those horrific puns, or that god forsaken SnapBack she used to wear religiously; that time when she turned up in grey joggers before learning I was into girls saying "ladies love grey joggers on men and well now the only thing I'm missing is a dick!" God I could only remember chocking on a fit of laughs that day.

Warm tears trickled down my cheeks landing on her crumpled hospital gown as I gripped tightly onto the bedsheets knuckles going a pale white. It wasn't fair, how could fate be so cruel as to make two people fall hopelessly in love over the years, only to strip that all away in a few months curtesy to some fucking disease. She didn't deserve this, not her, not anyone.

Sobs racked my body as I looked down at my whole world, she was so familiar yet unrecognisable with her sunken cheeks and lifeless expression. Heart beat still going thanks to the countless of machines hooked to her like a lab rat.

"I love you, you know that don't you? I love you with my e-everything cass I rea- really d-"
I couldn't even finish my sentence as the growing cry in the back of my throat screamed out ten times louder than expected. I looked through blurry vision at the small nurse waiting by the door, her dark braids dropped to her waist and the familiar look of sympathy was etched into her chocolate skin. She was waiting.

I cast my eyes back down to Cass taking in every single aspect of her ,alive, one last time.
Pressing a tender kiss on her forehead I croaked out a small "you wait for me up their ok Cass? Promise you'll wait for me love? So we can be together again for eternity this time no cancer, no pain just us like before."
Before standing on shaky legs and all but slumping into the chair next to my dearest lover and interlocking my fingers with her motionless ones.

The nurse took this as her cue as she slowly stepped forward towards us, she behaved as if I was a bird on the verge of flying away and quite frankly, that felt like the case. Her sad eyes looked over at Cassie then to me nodding slightly, she offered a smile that honestly looked more like a grimace but I couldn't blame her, this wasn't easy for anyone.

"I am terribly sorry this had to happen to you to." She started in a quiet tone "If I could make things turn for the better I would do so in a heartbeat however, Catherine has been relying heavily on the machines to stay well- alive and the chances of her getting off them are near to nothing. Though this does cost a lot of expenses we're more concerned by the matter that keeping her here in pain is extremely unfair hence why you were informed around last week that today would be the day that we do in fact, turn off Catherine's life support." She finished her voice shaking slightly at the end, probably because she was telling the basically dead girls girlfriend-fiancé that today was the day they where killing her off because "Cassie's life was taking to big a chunk out of their bank account." But that was just a guess, who knows?

I sniffed loudly drying my eyes down with the sleeve of Cassie's hoodie, the smell of her clinging to the collar slightly taming the raging storm that is my emotions. I tried my best to push down the rage simmering beneath my utter devastation, it wasn't right to take it out on the poor nurse she was just doing her job after all.

Breathing in a large gulp of the stale hospital air I slowly looked up towards the nurse who was awkwardly standing on the opposite side of the bed awaiting an answer. Her name tag glinted in the harsh ceiling light reading 'Rasheeda' it was a nice name.

Just as Rasheeda started looking downright embarrassed I opened my lips the smallest amount trying my utmost hardest to form proper words and not just incoherent sounds of  despair. "No it's alright I get it I wouldn't want her to be in any more pain, not after this"
Each word spoken physically burnt my throat as the reality of the situation sunk in like a needle being pushed in my veins.

I pushed through the grief long enough to exchange dry conversations with Rasheeda about Cassie's treatment; what the process would be like when life support got shut off; grieving therapy, ect.

Finally after what felt like hours but was most likely juts a few minuets, the nurse busied herself with unknown buttons on each machine before preparing to count down from three as an indication to turning the objects off, to destroying everything I ever loved through three meekly seconds.

I rested my head on her chest just like before, listening to the controlled heartbeat of my lover, silent tears falling rapidly as I braced for the comforting pattern to stop.

"The machine will now be shutting off in.."

"Three"

"Two"

"One"

Thump, Thump, Thump

...

Her heartbeat had stopped never to restart again.
Wait for me, ok love?

꧁꧂

God it's so late and I'm super sick but once again this was giving me a migraine so here we are.
Anyway I don't know why it's super sad but my gay ass wanted affection but I'm fucked up so I added a sprinkle of death 🏃‍♀️💨 anyway I'm gonna go grab a coffee some paracetamols and sleep because writing this drained the last of the steam I was running on goodnight socks
Cya