I'm a Mermaid, Not a Merman

20

The light was starting to fade by the time they both got a bit of control over their emotions. The sun was long past, and dusk was giving way to night-time.

"And... and so," Cindy continued to explain, "I saw that you were really upset. And I felt very bad, so... yeah."

Matt had cried, but not as much as Cindy. His voice had gone stale, devoid of emotion.

"But you didn't know you were trans then," he said.

"No."

"So you, a straight guy, intentionally agreed to go out with me? Why didn't you just say no, or give some kind of excuse?"

Cindy cringed. "I was on the spot. I couldn't think. All I knew was that I couldn't bear to watch you think that a girl had decided you were unattractive, or something."

She saw a few more stray tears come out of his eyes.

"I wish that it had ended there," he said. He put his head in his hands.

"You... you have a right to be mad at me," Cindy said. "I deserve it. I... I handled all of this irresponsibly."

"I'm not mad at you," Matt responded immediately. "I'm just... mad. I'm mad that my first kiss turned out this way. That everything was going great."

Cindy closed her eyes and whimpered. Everything had been going great, and it had been messed up so badly. And it was completely her fault.

"What makes me feel worse," Matt said, "is that now I feel like a terrible judgmental person. I... I think that it's nice that you feel happy that you're transgender. I think that you should live life how you want to."

Matt sniffled, and let out a quiet whine.

Cindy gasped for breath, feeling tears going rapidly down her cheeks. She had broken this poor boy. For the first time she could think of in her life, her actions had seriously hurt someone else. Someone she cared about.

Horrible, gut wrenching pain stung her whole body. She'd... she'd never felt worse in her whole life.

"I think all of that stuff is great," Matt started saying again. "Great for you. I... I feel really horrible saying this... but... I just don't feel comfortable dating you anymore."

Cindy's tears gushed far more, the brokenness in her tearing at her soul. This was not heartbreak, this was a breaking of everything that was within her.

"I know that's super horrible," Matt cried, "I know that it makes me transphobic... but I just... I just don't know if I could be comfortable around you anymore. I... I just have trouble seeing you as a girl... at least, right now."

Every time Cindy felt like she had reached the limit of her capacity for emotional pain, the dagger of torture twisted deeper into her. She kept feeling worse... and worse... and worse...

She was constantly shaking as the tears coated her face. Her shirt was covered in stains from her tears.

Matt had been quieting down, but she heard him start crying again too. "Cindy, oh Cindy please please stop crying! I feel really bad about all this, and I'm sorry that I'm not the guy for you, but I can't watch you tear yourself apart!"

Cindy didn't answer.

He doesn't feel comfortable dating me. He says he supports me, and acts like I'll find someone else. What if I never do? What if it's always like this? Am I going to have to wear a badge that says 'transgender' on it before I can ever date again? I just... I don't want to live in fear... I don't want to be afraid of every relationship ending in failure.