Always In My Heart, @HarryStyles

sixteen

LOUIS

I set my keys on the kitchen counter after my second outing with Eleanor for the week. I was drained, exhausted. The only thing I wanted to do was cuddle up with the dogs and Harry in bed.

"Harry?" I called out from the kitchen, slipping off my tennis shoes and leaving them there. Harry would get mad, but I didn't care.

"Harry?" I said again, this time taking off my navy jacket and throwing it over a chair. Still no response. This was starting to feel familiar, like deja vu.

My forehead creased as I started to worry. "Haz?" I called one more time, still no response. I peaked my head out the window to double check his car was still here. There it was, where it always was, parked right next to me.

Relax Lou, I said to myself and took a breath, starting up the stairs. "Love, where are you?" I said with a giggle. Maybe he was playing a game.

I heard Clifford whimper, he was sitting outside our bedroom door, which was closed. I stopped to stare, because our bedroom door was never closed. I stepped towards it timidly, calling Harry's name once again. As silence followed it, I opened the door.

The bathroom door was open wide, the light from the small room pouring out over our bedroom. "Harry?" I said  again, panic rising in my voice. I didn't want to look in the bathroom because I was afraid I already knew what was there.

I gulped and closed my eyes, trying to remember Harry on top of the hospital bed. His chest rising and falling, his rosy cheeks, the pulse that beat in his neck. I stepped toward the light, tears falling from my eyes suddenly.

I didn't even notice though, and even if I had, my brain was too foggy to care.

I finally arrived at the mouth of the door, and I saw it.

Slumped against the bathtub, there he was. I fell to my knees, collapsing into myself. I wailed, each sob getting louder as I continued to cry.

There he was, right in front of me. His chin was touching his chest. His face looked pale. There was a note set on top of his outstretched hand, and a glass of water stood beside him. In his hand was a small orange pill bottle, his pain killers.

And so I sat there, staring at Harry's lifeless body in front of me, wailing for him. Wailing for us. For what we had together. But those were only memories now, because our 'us' had no future.

ONE WEEK LATER

I sighed as I opened the door to my beautiful London house. My black sport coat suddenly felt constricting. I was gone from the church anyway, I didn't need it anymore.

I threw my sunglasses and phone down on the counter, just as I had done with my keys that day. I ignored the stairs, for I hadn't gone up them in a week.

I was living out of our spare room, for I wasn't strong enough to sleep in our bed. It rested the same way it had the day Harry was alive in it, the last time I would ever be happy. I went to the liquor cabinet and grabbed Harry's least favorite, whiskey.

I poured myself a tall glass and went to the couch, slumping down into it. I hadn't cried all day, I felt too numb to let tears fall. Lottie was supposed to come over in an hour or so, after the reception. I couldn't go.

The funeral was hard enough, I was expected to go to a party afterwards to CELEBRATE Harry's life? The life that ended after only 19 short years? I could never.

Lottie said she felt obligated to go, so I let her. I didn't want to be around anyone anyway.

The boys had been helpful, sure, but they were hurting too. They were hurting along with the world. We had just lost one of the greatest souls to wonder this terrible earth.

And so I sat on the couch and finished my whiskey, simply staring at the wall. I couldn't open my phone, I didn't want to see the hundreds of articles or the thousands of feel better texts.

So I thought about that dreadful day, the day my life ended with Harry's, for my heart left when he did. I thought about what I saw, what Harry looked like, and suddenly, I remembered something.

The note! I hadn't read his note yet. And that was the only thing that got me off the couch.

I needed to hear his last words, I needed to understand his thought process.

The note was left on the bathroom floor, our bathroom. I held my breath as I entered our room for the first time in a week, and grabbed the small envelope off the floor, sprinting back out. I couldn't handle smelling Harry's smell, and it was plastered all over that room. I sat back down on the couch, and reminded myself not to cry as I opened the envelope with shaking hands.

Dear Lou (MY Lou),

Look, I know you're sad. I know this sucks. And man, I couldn't be more sorry. This was the last thing I wanted, it truly was, but sometimes, that's how life goes. It was unfair for you to keep seeing me live like this. For you to alter your entire life for me. You deserve someone as terrific as you, someone like Eleanor. Someone who can love you for all your little quirks. Someone who can wake you up in the morning when you sleep through your alarm. Someone who can laugh when you get mad for people calling you little. Someone who can hold your hand in public. Someone who can make your dreams come true. And Lou, I could have never been that person for you. 

And I want to make it clear, this wasn't your fault, my love. Truthfully, you were the only thing holding me here, keeping me grounded. I love every piece of you, so much I couldn't even bear it sometimes. I couldn't bear not going a day without seeing your smile, couldn't go a second without staring into those baby blue ocean eyes I love so damn much. You are my soulmate, and I'm so lucky I got to spend my last two years with you. So lucky to even know you. You, my little Lou, are extraordinary.

You make my mind think of things it's never thought before. You take my breath away just by looking into my eyes. You made my heart love so deeply, so beautifully, I practically couldn't handle it. I've never been so scared of losing something in my entire life, yet nothing in my life has mattered to me more than you. 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You don't even understand how sorry I am. This isn't fair to you, not even at all, but I guess how I was living wasn't fair to me. I was sick of the pressure. The life I was forced into so young. I hated it. The only thing holding me here was you, and one day that became not enough. I'll miss you everyday, but I'll be somewhere better. I'll be somewhere where the sun shines all the time. I'll miss that sunshine smile, though. No amount of light could ever replace that for me.

Ok, I'm rambling, and I know you hate to read. I love you, blah blah blah, but you knew that. I hope you know.

So anyway, I don't want you to wallow in my death for the rest of your life. That isn't fair. Now, I dont want you going to fuck the next guy you see or start dating Eleanor for real. I just want you to find happiness, find your own sunshine smile. I got mine.

Don't forget to feed Bruce and Clifford. And give them extra cuddles for me, you know they always liked me more :). And make sure you and the boys stay close, I couldn't handle it if you broke up. You all deserve happiness, so so much.

And so, my love, this is my goodbye. But not really, it's more of a see you soon. But not too soon, Lou! Go find your sunshine, I'll be here waiting.

I love you Lou.

Forever and always.

Always in my heart,

Hazza

And as I finished reading, tears streaming down my face for it was the first time I let myself sob since that day, I set the letter down next to me.

And instead of curling up into a ball and letting myself just cry, I went to the counter to grab my phone. I opened the small blue twitter icon to break my silence.

I ignored all the tweets that said his name, focusing on crafting a tweet myself.

Always in my heart @Harry_Styles.

Yours sincerely,

Louis