Heidi's POV
I locked my door and slid down the back of it and held my knees to my chest. And I'm just afraid because I can't fight forever.
I sat on the little sofa in front of my bed and closed the blinds and left the lights off. Is there anything left to save now?
"Piss off." I said at whoever was knocking on my door.
"Open up, brat." Newt said. Oh God, I've probably embarrassed him and Hero in front of their friends. The shane came over me and the realization that I was doing to them, what my dad used to do to me hit, and it felt unbearable.
I opened the door a crack and Newt pushed himself right through.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked sitting at the edge of my bed.
"No. It's just what you want to hear."
He clicked his tongue at me and rolled his eyes.
"It's getting bad again." I said holding my knees to my chest and pressing my lips to my arm. "I just feel so sad, all the time."
"Why didn't you tell someone?" He asked, not shocked.
"No one asked."
"Go outside do something. It's not your room that's a prison, it's yourself."
I looked up at him with confusion, it didn't make sense to me but it was the most logical explanation.
"What if.." he started, leaning back on his palms and staring up at the ceiling, smirking like he had the brightest idea. "you come to school tomorrow."
I scoffed at him.
"I studied under Stephen Hawking you think you're going to fit me into high school?" I almost laughed to the idea.
"It's high school! No one belongs there! You look out your window and the afternoon passes, then suddenly a year goes by. Isolation is not safety, it's death. If no one knows you're alive, then you're not."
I reflected on what he's proposed to me.
"Fine." I said looking back at him and he jumped to his feet. "Ahhhha!" He said shaking me by the shoulders.
"Ice that eye though!" He said exiting my room, probably to tell Hero about me venturing out, breaking out.
I inhaled and closed my eyes. As bad as this was, as bad as it is, I've learned that I could go through something like this, and survive. Because maybe there is plenty of time, and I'm just sitting here, waiting for the sun to go down.
I paced around my room to inspired to sit down. My phone rang on my bed side table.
"Hello?"
"Coucou mon chérie!"
"Hi mom."
"Oh chérie, I saw you on TV, qu'est-il arrivé?"
"I uh, don't really want to talk about it."
"Aw, okay darling. Well, have you thought about Paris?"
I screamed internally. It has been my moms god damn mission, to leave the states and my dad to live with her and her boyfriend in France. But I've made it crystal clear that I can't leave my siblings. It might be easy for her to pick up and leave, it's easy for my dad too, but I can't bring myself to do it.
"I have and although it is insanely tempting," I said rolling my eyes, "I'm not leaving them."
She huffed over the phone.
"Chérie. You would thrive here! You're 18, a girl needs her mother. Besides! You're a lady, and ladies don't fight, I told your father that but of course he knows best." She said sourly.
"Assez maman!" I told both of them I wouldn't deal with any bad talking about the other.
"Je suis désolée mon amour." She apologized.
"I just miss you."
"I miss you too mom." I could hear her sniffle and I know she can't handle my rejection, sometimes I just wish it was different sometimes.
"I'll see you at Christmas." She said signing off. "Je t'amie mon coeur."
"Love you." I said as the line went dead.
It was war inside my head. Oh Paris, only child, unlimited attention, city of love, fresh start. But then I'm like, my brothers and sisters, I'm never bored, I can't even imagine the look on their faces if I left. Maybe I could sneak out, leave a note and just poof, disappear. No no that's shitty.
I hit my head on the wall trying to get my thoughts in order. "Ugh!" I opened my bedroom door and I peeked my head out. Empty. I creeped out and listened over the banister. I heard my dad speak and I quickly retreated back. He started to come up the stairs and I cursed to myself running into Newts room.
I hid behind his doors with it cracked open slightly. I peaked through to see him standing at my door. His back was to me and I held my breath in. He held a fist up as if he was going to knock and I could see how tense his back was through his suit. He exhaled heavily and unraveled his fist and held his open palm to my door.
He shook his head and took his hand off the door as he turned to go back down the hallway to the stairs. He shook his head and pushed his glasses up as he proceeded down the hallway.
"What are you doing?" A voice said from behind me. I jumped and turned around to see Harry freshly showered with a towel hung low to his hips.
"You scared the shit outta me!" I said as my heart raced attempted to slow down. He laughed softly shaking water out of his hair with another towel.
"You spying or something?" he asked, clearly humored by my embarrassment.
"Wha- no! I was, observing!" Which wasn't a lie, besides, I had no idea he was even in here.
"Heard you're coming to school tomorrow." He said taking the towel he used for his hair and wrapping it behind his broad shoulders.
"My brother is just trying to get me out of the house." I said acting uninterested.
"Well if you need to get out of the house you could always come to my place." He offered.
"Mm. Tempting." I said turning around to head back to my room.
"It is though isn't it? Get out of this multi million dollar mansion, hang out in my shared apartment."
"I just need-" I started, catching myself before I let too much out. "I just need some friends. Other than my siblings."
"I get that." He sighed. I looked at him confused but ushering him to continue with my facial expressions.
"Why do you think I came here? To California, get outta my small home town. I hated it there. I hate that small town full of small minded people who suffocate me with empty promises and spiteful comments about the way I look and act." He said getting mad.
"Well did you have anything or anyone at all to keep you there?" I asked.
He scoffed and shook his head no. "Well that's the difference. I have them keeping me here, and they need me." I said.
"Well what are they going to do when you destroy yourself? Huh?"
I lunged forward at him and spoke through gritted teeth.
"You don't know shit about what has happened to me. I am not beautifuly broken. I was ripped to shreds from the inside out. So don't give me shit." I huffed out. He bit the inside of his cheek and once again, I had realized what I've done.
I broke eye contact with him and choked on my words. "I'm uh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have.." I said shaking my head. "That was wrong of me." He placed a large hand on the side of my head and creased my hair cupping my cheek oh so quickly, "It's okay. We're not bad people for the ways we've tried to kill our sadness."
"God were all fucked up aren't we?" I asked forcing a laugh out.
"All I was trying to say is, be a little selfish. Take some time to figure out who you are and what you like and what you want to do with your time and who you want to spend it with. If it's here with your family then fine! If it's in Tokyo by yourself that's fine too! Or on an island with only pigs on it that's okay! As long as at the end of the day it's what Heidi wants."
I don't know what I want anymore. I don't have my own identity. I'm a carbon copy of my father. I had taken upon his interests, his hobbies, his strengths. I have no idea who I am.
"I uh, guess I have some figuring out to do." I said backing away.
"Oh and don't worry. I won't tell your brothers you were trying to check me out in the shower."
I turned back around to him as I approached the door with bugged out eyes.
"You have this story twisted."
"Do I?" He aske cheekily.
"I don't know! Maybe!" I said exiting.
"Hey! Before you go!" He said slightly running to the door. I had butterflies in my stomach and my damn palms were sweating again. "If you decide to come to school tomorrow, lotta creeps there."
I cocked my eyebrow at him.
"So don't go walking around tryin to make me jealous."
Ahhh I see now.
"Aw. But then that's no fun."
