12 Reasons Why

Matthew Espinosa

I was tweeting some of my fans when I saw Nah's tweet that read "You where too young, too special to take youre own life. Rest in peace Emma, you will be missed." And instantly confusion took over me. Who is Emma? And why is Nash tweeting about her? I shook it off, feeling as if it was none of my buisness when I hear my mom call me from down stairs.

"Matt, something came in the mail for you." I sigh and respond by saying

"Coming mom!" And I hop off my bed down the stairs and into the kitchen where my mom was standing. My mom hands me the envelope with a confused look on her face. I was confused too. I carry the paper up the stairs back into my room and get comfortable on my bed. I look at the name of the return adress. Emma? Is this the girl Nash just tweeted about? I carefully open the envelope making sure I didn't rip anything. I gentley take the folded pieces of paper out of the envelope, confused and curious, I unfold what seems to be a letter and start to read.

Dear Matchew (Sorry I had too haha),

You're probably like woah, who is this girl whose writing me this letter I don't recognize the name and I really don't care.' And honestly, it's fine if you don't care, no one really does care anyways, and maybe that's why the decision has been made. The decision to end my life. I know what your thinking, your probably like 'okay so this random girl who I don't even know wrote me a suicide note?' And the answer is well yes. Because you have no idea who I am, but I am honestly one of your biggest fans. You've helped me hrough some of my darkest times, you made me smile when no one else could and, if I was having a really bad day, I could just watch one of your vines and a smile was instantly put on my face. It's weird how one person can just make someone so happy. No matter how many names I was called, or how much my demons would taunt me, you where always there. Your laugh, your smile just everything about you made my sad day, 100x better and for that I love you. And you may be thinking 'Oh, this is just another fan.' And I guess yeah... I am just another fan, but I wanted to let you know how much you meant to me. How much you mean to others, how much you help us all through our darkest days. I wasn't able to make it. I couldn't fight any longer, but there are still people out there who look up to you, who watch your vines when there down and have no one to talk to, so keep doing what your doing. Keep inspiring people. Yeah, you inspired me but I couldn't battle my demons anymore, I was just too tired, too tired to keep fighting. I hope you understand, I mean if you even care. And I really wanted to be able to meet you, I really wanted to be able to tell you all of this in person, but I couldn't. I couldn't make it. Depression and all of my demons have taken over. Theres no where I can escape too. It's sad, I know and I really don't want to do this, but-but it's the only way. I'm not sure why I'm even writing this. Probably to just let you know how much I cared about you, how much I supported you although you have no idea who I am. I mean, you've never tweeted me, never followed me and I'm not trying to make you feel bad but, you just have no clue who I am, so I wrote this. I'm not even sure if you got this, I hope you did. Maybe you didn't even read it, again, I hope you did. Because these are my last words, this is all I've ever wanted to tell you writen down and sealed in an envelope. The whole point of this non-ending letter is I love you Matthew Espinosa, and I always will.

Love, Emma Wilson.

I am so confused. Who is this girl? One of my fans? I mean of course I'm sad I love all of my fans to pieces and when I see them sad. it makes me sad. And this letter is just heart breaking, but why did she write to me? Was I really that big of an inspiration? I mean I'm just some teenage guy who posts six second videos on the internet for fun. Can I really make someone that happy. While I'm in the middle of my thoughts I see something escape the pages of the letters and fall to the ground. I bend down and pick it up. And it's a picture. A picture of what I assume to be Emma. And she's gorgeous. How can someone go through this much depression, this much hate to end there life. And I made her happy. I kept her going as long as she possibly could. I just wish I could give her a hug and tell her that everything would turn out okay, but I can't. I can't because she's gone. She took her life. And it's so sad. All I want to do right now is let myself process this. I can't seem to grasp the fact that she did, she killed herself. One of my fans. That just breaks my heart. And what makes it worse if maybe, just maybe if I tweeted her or followed her that would change what she did. Maybe that one follow would be enough to keep her going. But I'm too late. I just want to hold her in my arms and thank her for her support and tell her to stay strong, tell her to fight this battle because it will get better. But I can't. And that is probably the most heart breaking thing ever. I couldn't save her. I was too late and that, that just breaks my heart.