12 Reasons Why

Nash Grier

I came back from filming my new sketch and entered the lobby of mine and Cameron's apartment. I went over to the mail box and saw we had a few letters, bills and such. I grabbed all the mail and got on the elevator and pushed the button that lead to our apartment. I unlocked the door, Cameron wasn't home because he was visiting family. I entered and flipped through the mail we got. One in specific caught my eye. It was from a girl named Emma Wilson. It was adressed to me. And instantly I got nervous. I didn't know why, but I was anxious to open this letter. It was probably just another fan letter but how did she get my home adress? Why didn't she send it to my P.O box like all the others? Maybe it was more important. I carefully opened the envelope and took the letter out. I scanned over the two paged letter and saw the signiture of a girl at the bottom, Emily Wilson. I started to read the letter

Dear Nash,

I promised myself I wouldn't send this unless I actually did it. And by did it I mean committed suicide. You're probably thinking "Why would this random girl who I don't even know send me this?" And honestly I'm not sure. Maybe just to let you know how much you mean to me, well meant. I mean you didn't know me personally so you probably don't even care. I'm just writing this to let my emotions go, to tell you, explain to you how much you meant to me, how you along with others kept me smiling on my darkest days. I wanted to meet you so bad but, I couldn't make it. I couldn't live another day in this sad, pathetic life I was given. But you made me smile when no one else could. The way your bright blue eyes lit up when you talked about something you loved, like you're family, you're bright white famous Nash Grier smile which could light up a whole room, you're sense of humor that made me laugh when I was feeling down and depressed. You where my star on a stormy night. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but.... It had to happen. I'm not sure if your sad or not, I'm not sure if you care or not. And I'm not sure why I'm sendind you this. Probably to explain how much you mean to me because I wasn't able to tell you in person.

I wasn't able to read more. My eyes started to tear up as I glanced at the picture that was left in between the two pages. It was of her, Emma. And she was absolutely beautiful. Her long wavy brown hair that fell to just above her waist. Her dark brown eyes that looked as if all the life has been sucked out of her. You could tell she wasn't happy that she was just pretending to be. She was smiling this gorgeous, yet fake smile. And it broke my heart. This beautiful girl went through so much pain, enough pain, enough demons for her to take her own life. It's a sick world we live in, a sick society where people, teenagers go through so much bullying, so much pain, so much torture, most of it inside there own minds, enough for them to take there own life.

I wiped a few stray tears away from my face as I continued to read her letter.

Well enough of me rambling, why don't I tell you a little bit about me? I'm 16 years of age, started to get bullied in fourth grade because I moved. I moved cross country from Indiana to Colorado, a new town new school I was excited. But what I thought would be warm welcoming people turned out to be rude and mean. I was bullied everyday and came home crying into my moms arms. But my parents kept sending me to that school even though they knew what was happening. We talked to the school principal but again, nothing was done. In grade six I started developing an eating disorder because the kids at school kept telling me I was fat and I needed to lose weight even though I was 120 pounds, I mean I guess that's a little overweight? I'm not sure. The bullying kept getting worse and worse and what they called me, all the mean names never left my head. The demons in my head reminded me day after day of how ugly and worthless I was. In eigth grade I started self harming, and I haven't stopped. I do it because I feel so numb on the inside I've become a shell. And the only way to feel anything at all is to cut. I know it's bad but it also silences the demons for a short period of time. I honestly don't know if you care or not, I mean honestly no one cares. Yeah I have a group of "friends" But there just fake two-faced backstabbing bitches who don't even care about me. And all the guys who ever wanted me only wanted me for one thing. One thing that I didn't agree to and apparenly me saying no made everyone in the whole school think I said yes.. Ninth grade. That's when the word 'slut' and 'whore' were used to describe me, although I've never slept with anyone. So if that classify's me as a slut or a whore then I'm sorry. Then tenth grade. Last year. Last year I started devoloping anxiety and panic attacks. I would have them if I even stepped outside of my house. Or even in my house. There was no 'safe place' for me to go. And honestly it hurt. It hurt me That I didn't have anywhere I could escape too, anywhere I felt safe, depression has consumed my entire body and the demons have taken over every inch, every corner of me. Now I''ve started to ramble but you get the point. My life isn't happy and there never will be a happy ending, so why don't I just end it? Honestly Nash, I just wrote this to tell you how much you've helped me. How much seeing your bright blue eyes, seeing your pearly white smile made my day ten times better. I just want to say thank you. And goodbye I guess. I love you Hamilton Nash Grier

Love, Emma.

By now I'm crying. I'm crying a freaking river. This girl, this girl was only sixteen, in the same grade I am. Why? Why would somebody want to ruin a person's life like that? Why? Why is the only thing running through my head at this point. I'm not sure why this letter hit me so hard. Maybe it's because she's one of my fans? Maybe it's because a beautiful, girl went through all this pain she didn't deserve but in her mind she thought she did. No one deserves that much pain. No one deserves that much torture. I just can't wrap my head around it, around the fact that someone could feel this empty, this alone to actually end there life. I just- I can't. I don't understand. There are some things in this word I don't undersand and I want to understand, but this, this I don't want to understand. It's just sad. She was so beautiful, so innocent, so perfect, Why. Why did she have to end it all?