Dollhouse

Alone

Never had I thought I'd have to plan an escape from my own house.
But I did.
And I'd have to deal with it.
The first thing I needed to decide is how I would get away.
Sitting on the basement floor I drowned in my thoughts deeply. John had wrote that father installed alarms. However he didn't tell me what kind of alarms and on which doors and windows.
At least he had to have done it fast because only 48 hours had passed when my mom died.
One thing I did know for sure. He didn't install any alarms in the basement, but there was only one window there. The small window at the top of the basement.
Slowly I walked to the window, avoiding all the mess that was laying on the ground.  Very carefully I climbed on top of the table under the window and reached out for it.
I would probably only just fit, not to mention the glass was hard to break.
But on the other hand, what had I to lose. I was locked in a basement by my own bloody father.
Suddenly the anger that I had just experienced started rising in my chest again.
My breathing started quickening again and I felt a burning anger through my whole body.
I went through all this pain my whole life! And for what!? Existing!? The people that were supposed to take  care of me and love me, abandoned me! Left me to die alone. I am BLOODY HELL FIFTEEN! FIFTEEN! And everything I've ever experienced is people leaving me alone!
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
The word kept repeating in my brain.
The anger in me started changing into something else; panic.
Alone.
You'll forever be alone.
No one wants you.
Not even the people who made you.
Not your best friend.
Not your brother.
No one.
Alone.
Lonely.
Forever.
This feeling pounded in my head. Fear, disgust, anger on myself.
Still I was determined to escape.
Not to make people happy.
Just to lift the weight I was giving to other peoples already heavy shoulders.
In simple.
To kill myself.
I wasn't scared of death. I had been close to it my whole life. Like a friend. I trusted it.  Death. Death. Death.
It seemed like a good escape.
A coward action. But I didn't care.
I wasn't selfish. No, nobody would care.
Everything was a lie.
My life.
My thoughts, feelings.
Things people told me.
Lies, lies, lies.
"You'll most definitely be a favorite at school dear"
"Your parents must love you"
"It must be great to have parents that care so much about you"
Suddenly I stood up. I walked through the mess again looking for the axe I've seen many times.
Axe. Axe. Axe.
It wasn't to kill myself. No, no.
Before I would die I'd see the world.
See the stars, the lights, people in their homes.
Alive.
After not even a minute of seeking I found the axe.
Not even thinking about anything I threw the axe against the window.
Loudly it shattered in to small pieces of glass.
The pieces sharply cut in my body. My ugly, fat body.
With the axe I cut away most of the pieces that were left in the window.
Without a thought I jumped and pulled myself through the window leaving cuts on my hands, arms, legs.
Slowly I let myself fall on the gray sidewalk.
Free.
I was free.
I stood up bleeding everywhere I possible could but I honestly couldn't give a shit.
As if the clouds knew, it started raining.
The water droplets falling down my blood stained face.
I started running on the middle of the street. There were no cars, no people, nothing.
I was alone.
But for once this was a good feeling.
I saw the rain pouring harder and harder on the ground and I became wetter and wetter.
The laterns shining on the wet ground and me running.
Just running.
It felt so good.
Not knowing where I went.
Just running.
Running through my childhood streets.
Seeing my neighbors drinking tea.
After not even 10 minutes I reached the border of the woods.
These woods where I used to play with Eddie al the time.
I didn't even hesitate to run in the wood, not caring about the consequences.
Zigzagging through the trees I unconsciously ran to the one place where Eddie and I used to meet all the time.
When I felt too bad about anything and felt like I couldn't handle it alone I'd call Eddie and told him to meet at the place.
Many hours we had passed laying in the tall grass watching the stars there talking about anything.
Through the trees I started seeing the only plain place in the woods.
Running even faster I reached the place.
I finally stopped running and fell down in the middle of the field.
I spread myself out in the grass letting the water fall down on me.
All the feelings drowning away.
I watched the many stars shining in the sky.
They were like little lamps shining hope through the empty darkness.
But for me there was no hope.
Laying there I thought about the many memories I had.
Good ones.
Bad ones.
I remembered me and Eddie first meeting.
I remembered me and John sneaking out.
I remembered me and Ms. Roberts going shopping.
I remembered the first time my dad hit me.
I remembered me finishing my first book.
I remembered christmas at Eddie's house.
I remembered.
Suddenly I heard Eddie's voice through the rain.
'Millie?!'
No. It was just in my memory.
'Millie!?'
Again.
'Millie!'
I opened my eyes to see Eddie standing in the rain, his face wet of tears and rain and his green sweater soked.
I stood up. 'Eddie?'
Suddenly he pressed my lips against his.