you raise me up || harry potter

chapter 55

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"Well," Remus said, looking into his rapidly cooling cup of tea, "That's some development, Severus."

"You're telling me," Snape huffed. "I didn't sign up to be a glorified babysitter."

""You don't seem to be complaining, though," Remus pointed out.

Snape glared, but the usual acidity in his eyes was dampened by sleeplessness and barely-hidden worry. He sighed. "It seems like all Potter and I do is misunderstand each other."

"You do have a talent for that," Remus said.

"Do shut up, or you might find that your tea doesn't agree with you."

Remus pointedly took a sip of his tea in response to the threat. Snape probably would have glared at him some more if it weren't for the fact that his mind seemed to be miles away.

"He's just a child," Snape murmured. "And so many people have failed him already. I'm one of them. Who's to say I won't be one of them sooner or later?"

Remus frowned. "Failed him? Severus, what do you mean?"

"The very fact that you don't know what I'm talking about proves my point," Snape said. "Tell me, Lupin, did you ever think to check up on him? Didn't it occur to anyone to care? That simply barging through the front door and telling him his parents were murdered and, oh, by the way, you're a wizard! perhaps wasn't the best course of action? That perhaps putting him in the care of people who despise magic and otherness would produce an insecure, emotionally vulnerable child?"

Remus felt a stone slowly forming in his stomach. "What?"

"'He is my best friend's son,' you always feel the need to remind me," Snape said. "Well, where were you, then? Where was everyone when Harry needed them most?"

 Remus placed his cup on the desk in front of him with trembling hands. "I... I trusted Dumbledore's judgement," he said weakly. "I never..."

"Then you're a fool," Snape snapped. "A coward."

Remus whipped his head up. "I'm a coward? Can you look in Harry's eyes and admit that you were the reason why Lily and James—" He cut himself off, realizing he had crossed a line. He had trouble meeting Snape's eyes, bracing himself for the barrage of anger that was sure to come.

But Snape sounded weary. "No. No, I can't. He forgave me for it, but... no, no, you're right." He dropped his temple onto a tired hand. "I don't know how to make things right for him."

Remus couldn't find any words to say. The Snape in front of him sounded like the past. Like the echo of a boy twenty years ago, lost and confused and maybe a little bit afraid. And as much as Remus couldn't understand why Harry had found comfort in Snape of all people, he couldn't find it in himself to be shocked, either. Maybe he hadn't seen it before, but Harry did resemble Snape in some ways, in the ways life had shaped him. And it tore Remus' heart apart, because Lily and James had such happy childhoods, full of laughter and love. He knew Snape didn't go back to a home where he was cherished. To think Harry was the same...

"I never met Vernon or Petunia," Remus said. "Lily didn't really talk about them. She always sounded so upset when they came up in conversation, so I just... tried to avoid it. But I never thought..."