Sober |a.k.|

15

𝙰𝚠𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚗'𝚜 𝙿𝙾𝚅

I frowned down at my phone.

"hi" the message said.

But I couldn't bring myself to answer.

"Hey dude," Jawn said, making me jump, "ready for the show tonight?"

"Aren't I always?"

"Haven't been lately. And you seem out of it today."

I shrugged.

"Okay," he huffed before smiling, "if you're gonna be stubborn about it. Talked to Abby lately?"

"Uh, sometimes," I lied, "we seem pretty distant though."

"Yeah? That sucks, but it does happen. I'm sure you guys'll be fine," he said before patting my shoulder and walking away.

I'm not the one who needs to be told that, I thought.

I know what I'm doing sucks. And to be honest, I don't exactly know why I'm doing it. But whenever I think about it for a certain amount of time, it almost makes sense.

Almost.

See, maintaining relationships is hard. Regardless of if they're platonic or not, but Abby and I seem to be in this weird "will we or won't we" stage. It's really been putting me off and I can't afford that.

I'm not like, I don't mean to say that I'm so involved with my job that I can't be bothered to text her, that's not what I mean. It's difficult to explain. If I text her, I might get a response. Then I'll know she's checking her phone for me and feel awful about having to leave her. I'll just think about it all day.

But if she doesn't answer, even though I know she's just busy, my brain will over think it and I'll just think I've done something wrong. It's awful, but I think just, not checking my phone for texts is the way to go. It's easier on me. And I can actually focus.

I figured it was a problem when I repeatedly messed up multiple songs because I was too focused on getting back to talk to Abby.

I knew if I talked to any of the guys, they'd say "just tell her you're busy, she'll understand" but that hasn't worked out for me in the past. It sucks, and I suck for doing it, but it works for me. But if I'm being completely honest, I am doing better. I'm more focused which feels nice, but I do hope at some point Abby and I can talk it out.

That night, we played an incredible show. People on Twitter were pointing out how much more focused I was. It was basically "you're avoiding a girl who maybe really likes you, good job!" And of course, that night I thought about Abby. She was in my dreams, she had been lately. Maybe it was a sign from whatever is up there to maybe talk to her.

It was around 3 am when I decided to maybe text her. Once, just once, I told myself.

"hey"

No Awsten, you're stupid, you can't leave it at that. Now it can't be just one, great job.

"i know i've been distant lately. i'm sorry. i know it sucks, but it happens. we'll get through it. i'll talk to you tomorrow"

I didn't text her again.

*two moths later // december*

"But hey for what it's worth.."

I smiled as I heard the crowd scream "I think you saved my life."

This was a good feeling. Today the tour ends and that means I get to go back home. Back to my apartment, back to laying in bed and watching any random TV show recommended to me on Twitter.

Elijah told me him and Sam are gonna come over and hang out with me later. When I asked about Kellen, they said he'd been comforting Abby.

I frowned. I wonder how she's doing. It's officially been three months since we stopped talking. She unfollowed me on social media. I haven't unfollowed her. I probably should.

The show ended with just as much energy as it started with, and after the meet and greet was over, I got to sit in my bunk and pack up all my stuff. This leg of the tour ended in LA, which means I get to drive back home and everyone else has to fly back home.

I felt pretty lucky, but everyone else has something to go home to. Geoff has Chloe and Rory, Otto has Grace, Jawn has Daphne, Lucas has family, even the bus driver has a wife. I go home to my apartment, filled with furniture and thoughts.

I heard my phone ding, Elijah saying he was here to pick me up. I shoved all my clothes in my bag and walked out to where the guys were.

"So, I'm headed home," I said, putting an arm around Jawn.

"Okay, we'll call you when we get home."

Geoff smiled at me and I walked over, hugging him first, then Otto, Jawn, and Lucas before walking out to Elijah's car.

"Hey dude! Kellen was there watching the show, he said you were great!"

I laughed and got in, throwing my bag in the back seat.

"Really?"

"Of course!"

I looked down at my phone. My pastel purple wallpaper lit up the dark car and I sighed.

"So uh," Elijah cleared his throat, "I told Abby you were gonna be gone for a while. I said you were gonna be in Houston so she doesn't have to like, worry about us blowing her off to see you or whatever."

I furrowed my eyebrows, thanking God it was dark so he couldn't tell.

"So, uh, how is she?"

"She's doing okay. Definitely better than before. You're glad you didn't see her when she figured out you were.."

The awkward silence became deafening and I shook my head.

"Anyway, uh, how's Sam? How's life, what've you been up to without me? Got a new designated driver?"

He laughed and scratched his head.

"Nope. You're still my number one."

"Good to know I still have a job here then."

He laughed loudly before the car went quiet again and I yawned.

"Awsten, I'm not trying to say what you did was bad, I don't know your reason, but why did you just.. ghost Abby like that?"

I sighed and shook my head. I didn't wanna talk about it right now.

"It was a me thing. I know it's shitty. I don't really want to talk about it."

"Oh, uh okay," he said as we pulled into the parking lot of my apartment.

"Well, here's home."

"I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Of course."

I got out and grabbed my bag, pulling my key out of my pocket and sliding it in the keyhole, unlocking my apartment door.

I walked in and sighed with relief as I let the door close behind me. I walked over to my room and put my bag on the floor, changing into more comfortable clothes. I walked back out into the kitchen and something shiny on the counter caught my eye. I walked over and the other key to my place was holding down a note.

"guess i wont be needing this anymore,
                 -abby"

***
( october 19, 2020 )