Moving on: an Everlark fanfic

Chapter 4: Remebering

️Katniss's POV in
After Peeta finished planting the primroses, I invited him inside for some stew Greasy Sae had left earlier. I didn't bother to eat and. I never do.

But I just wanted to spend more time with Peeta. The only actual company I've had all these months was Buttercup. I guess I was just desperate to talk to someone. Haymitch comes once in a while, the very few times he's isn't nursing a hangover or sleeping his ass off. Anyway, I just really missed him.

We still there for a while in the kitchen in an awkward silence, neither of us knowing what to say.
"So how have you been?", Peeta asks shyly, attempting to start a conversation.
"I've been fine.", I say unconvinced myself.
"You know Katniss, you really haven't gotten any better at lying" he says. I look up from my untouched plate. He said I was a horrible liar in our first games. In the dreaded cave, waiting for our deaths. I remember it as if it was yesturday. And he probably does too.
"So your getting your memory back?", I say, unable to hide my hopeful tone.

"Don't try to change the subject. I really want to know how you've been doing. I..well, you see... I was actually very concerned about you.", he gets out.
Wow. Defiantly wasn't expecting that. All those months I thought he was loathing me for the mutt that I am. But I was apparently wrong. He was thinking about me the whole entire time. I don't know why, but my cold, selfish heart warms up at that thought. I decide to be honest with him this time.
"To tell you the truth, I'm really not doing all that well", I say, trying to avoid eye contact. "I've just been really depressed. I can't find any reason to stay alive anymore. All these people suffered and died because of me" I say trying to not cry for the second time again.
"️Katniss..it isn't-"
"Don't say it isn't my fault, Peeta! Because you just know you'll be lying to yourself. Every time something good happens, this damn world has to rip it to shreds!" I say. All my sadness it gone. It's all being replaced by anger. Anger at this horrible, cruel thing we call life. It'll bring you to your knees and every time you try to get back up, it'll kick you in the stomach, sending right back down, knocking the wind out of you. And I'm done dealing with it. Why should I keep hopelessly trying to get back up when I know that I'm going right back down even harder. It's just a repeating vicious cycle that'll never end.
"But it isn't your fault, Katniss. Your not the one who put half the population in poverty and hunger. Your not the one that sent innocent children to be slaughtered every year while everyone else watched. That was Snow. And he's gone now. Because of you. And if it weren't for you, this would all keep happening. Katniss you helped everyone. You put a stop to all this cruelty. Your not the one at fault"

I don't know what to say. He's right. It was Snow. And he is gone now.
"But all those people died in the war. They were all killed. Finnick. Cinna. How can you say that wasn't my fault?" I ask.

"️Katniss, those people weren't stupid. They knew what they were getting themselves into by joining the Rebels. It's not like they were forced. They accepted the fact that they could be killed".

Then it's just silence again. I feel like he's waiting for me to say something. To agree with him.
"I just miss them all so much. I wish everything could go back to the way it was", I say.

"I know. I wish that too. But there isn't anything we could do about it. We can't keep living in the past, Katniss. We need to look ahead to the future. Because if we don't, then we're not gonna get anywhere."

"I don't want to forget about them though."
"We won't. We can't ever forget about our past and losses, no matter how hard we try. But we can accept it and move on. Isn't that what they would want?"

I know what he means by "they". All of our beloved, family and friends. Maybe he's gotta point. I'm pretty sure Prim wouldn't be very happy with me depressed and harming myself.

That's what I admire about Peeta the most. The fact that life could throw him any crap and he'll be perfectly happy with it. He'll accept it and move on, knowing he can't do anything about it. And no matter the number of times life sends him down, he ready to come right back up.

"But how are we supposed to do that though?" I ask. Then I get an idea from the my family's plant book me and Peeta used to work on before the war.

----------------------------------------------
*Couple of days later*
Peeta and I went ahead with the book idea. It's the place where we recorded things that we couldn't trust to memory.

The page begins with the person's picture. A photo if we could find it. If not, a beautiful sketch or painting by Peeta. Then, in my most careful handwriting, comes all the precious little details that would be a crime to forget.
Lady licking Prim's cheek.
My father's laugh.
Peeta's father with the cookies.
The deep sea green color of Finnick's eyes.
What Cinna could do with a length of silk.
Rue poised on her toes, ready to take flight.
On and on the memories go. We seal the pages with tears and promises to live well to make their fears count and to cherish all the beautiful mommies we had with them.

Sometimes, remembering becomes too much for broken hearts to handle but we always support and comfort each other.
It's astonishing how close me and Peeta are getting. I feel like I'm slowly getting him back by every second.

----------------------------------------------
AN- sorry it's been a long time. I don't know about you guys but I got a bad case of the feels writing this. Oh, the struggles and heartbreaks of being a fangirl. Above is a picture of what I thought the book would look like. Anyway, hope you enjoyed.
-gigi❤️