Anxious [H.S]

Chapter 61: For Now

Here I lay on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. It's been days since I came back to my empty apartment with a note that Kenna and Olive left. They told me to call them if I needed anything but I haven't, I haven't talked to anyone. Kenna and Olive coming that day made everything worse instead of better. Especially Kenna, she made me believe the worst and it's been eating at me. I haven't talked to Harry even though he calls me like five times a day trying to get a hold of me. I need to talk to him about everything but I can't seem to bring myself to it. I don't want this to go the wrong way. I just need to push myself to call him, no matter what I think is going to happen. I have to go into this with a positive attitude.

"Mom, what do I do?" I whisper, knowing no one will respond.

I just want to cry. I haven't really even slept in the past few days and eating has been pretty difficult. If I explained this to anyone they would say I'm pathetic for being like this right now when I don't even know what happened. I get up off the floor to go to the kitchen to make my third cup of coffee today when I hear a knock on the door. I open the door, already annoyed knowing that it's going to be Kenna or Olive. I open the door and it's neither of them, it's Harry.

I am honestly shocked at the fact that he is standing in front of me right now, I haven't seen him in person in two months. I honestly feel like I could cry but I don't and neither does he. He looks tired, almost like he hasn't been sleeping. But I'm one to talk. He doesn't seem to even have a bag with him or anything. He looks like he made some sort of last minute decision to come here. We just stare at each other, neither one of us tries to hug or kiss the other. It's like we are lost in each other's eyes.

I move to the side and let him into the apartment. He walks into the kitchen, leaning against the counter. I follow him, pulling myself up to sit on the counter, taking a sip of my coffee. Neither of us have said a word or taken our eyes off each other. I know why I'm being awkward but why is he? Did he do something?

"Why have you not been answering your phone, baby?" he mumbles, breaking the silence between us.

"Don't call me baby again, not right now," I say and his eyes widen.

"Why not? What are you talking about?" he asks, anxiously.

"Well I saw some things, Harry, that I didn't like if I'm being honest," I say, nervously.

"Okay, well show me and then we can talk about it," he says as I hop off the counter walking towards him with my phone in hand. I show him and his eyes widen. It doesn't look like he's guilty of anything, just that he's shocked.

"Can you talk to me about these?" I ask as he takes my phone from me.

"Nothing happened between any of us, I promise. They are just friends," he says.

"Yeah but can you tell me what happened? Like did you tell her to get off your lap?" I ask and he tilts his head back looking up towards the ceiling. "I'm going to take that as a no. If nothing happened then why does it look like it?"

"Leah, you know what the press does. It's not a big deal," he says, looking back at me. I instantly start to get mad. How can he not realize how big of a deal this is to me?

"You know what? I don't actually because it's not like they photoshopped it, it really happened and you didn't tell her to get off of you. You know what I thought I knew though? I thought I knew that you would never be the darkness Harry. But I guess I was wrong." I say, getting more angry by the second.

"Leah I am not the darkness, I'm allowed to hang out with friends," he defends.

"And they are allowed to sit on your lap?" I question and he starts to get mad, I can see it. He runs his hand through his hair.

"Leah it's not a big deal. I don't love them, I love you! I didn't do anything with them!" he shouts, clearly as frustrated as I am.

"I never once thought you did but you're also not explaining what happened, Harry!" I shout back.

"Explain to me why this is such a big deal." he says, trying to calm the situation down.

"Harry stop being an arrogant son of a bitch and open your eyes! Do you understand how hard it is for me to sit here while you're thousands of miles away and then seeing that you were with other girls that you claim to be your 'friends'? When I want to be the one that's with you and be there with you. But I gave you space because you said it would be best for you to do this alone and I respected that and stayed here. And then Kenna shows me a picture of you at some bar with girls all around you, one of them on your lap. Do you know how hard it is sitting here and being jealous, not being able to do anything about it? Not knowing what is going on? How would you feel if you were in my situation? What would you think if I was sitting on another man's lap and then say 'oh that's just my friend"? And it makes it seem even worse that you aren't even trying to explain anything!" I yell and his eyes widen.

"Because there is nothing to explain, nothing happened!" he shouts.

"Would it bother you?" I ask.

"Would what bother me?" he asks.

"If you put yourself in my shoes, would it bother you?" I ask and he sighs, turning around so his back is facing me.

"No," he finally says. "It wouldn't bother me because I trust you."

"I call bull, Harry," I say, honestly. "I honestly can't believe you."

"So what does this mean then Leah?" he asks, completely changing the mood.

"I don't know Harry but I don't think I can be with you right now." I state.

"What? Why?" he questions.

"You don't even understand what you did wrong. I know you didn't do anything with them, Harry but it looked like it and you're not trying to explain anything. You told me you needed to move to London to get better and I totally respect that. And you can totally hang out with friends I don't care. What I do care about is you not understanding how upset I was at the whole thing. It would have been one thing if you told her to get off but you didn't." I explain.

"Leah we can figure this out." he says, starting to look sad. I want to just give in and hug him but I know I can't. He needs to know that what he did was wrong.

"I need time to think Harry," I say and he shakes his head.

"How long?" he asks.

"I'm not sure but don't feel like you need to wait for me. I'll let you know when I figure it out. I think it may be best if we break up anyway so I don't have to worry about you being with other people," I say., looking down to the ground. "I think you should go."

"Please go Harry." I state as my eyes water.

"Okay but I have a question, do you still love me?" he asks and I feel my heart break.

"Yes I still love you, I don't think I'll ever stop," I admit.

"Then I'll wait for you," he says.

"Harry, please don't. I don't want you to be miserable," I state and he nods. "Promise me you won't wait.

"I can't promise that," he says and leaves the kitchen, walking out the door.

I then walk towards the door so I can lock it for the night. I slide down the door. I was in a familiar situation to this that first night he drove me home. This time I'm crying.

I feel myself begin to slide down the door now sitting on the floor with my knees pulled to my chest. I just turned down Harry Styles. Who does that? Once again, me, I do. He was probably only asking for my number because he felt bad for me, right? I kind of wish I didn't interrupt him. What was he going to say? 

I can't let myself cry, I broke up with him. It's not like he broke up with me. I get up from off the floor and take a sip of my coffee. I can't believe I just did that. I still love him and I really didn't want that to happen. That's the last thing I wanted to happen. I wish none of this happened. I wish he came here today and I was just able to kiss him and hug him and never let go. But I had to do this for myself. It's not fair to me that he wouldn't explain what was going on. It may not be forever but it's what is for now.