I Don't Know Anymore

Can I tell you something?

Months have gone by. Or weeks, or maybe even years? I couldn't possibly know, cocaine is only helping me to forget. That's what I wanted after what happened with Lindsey. I don't think I've said a single word to him, he tried communicating, but he can go to hell and take his so called girlfriend with him. I hate that woman with passion. Who does she think she is? Why would she think she's important at all to hang with us every single day. I wanted to smash her into a wall a few times, but someone would be there to stop me. Thankfully, I should say. 

Then there's Mick and I... I think Jenny knows about us, but he doesn't give a fuck so why should I? Mick is the only person who can keep up with me, therefore we're perfect for each other. We get high together, we drink, we smoke and at the end of the day, we end up in bed together. Honestly, I can't complain.

Tonight, somehow it's only me, Mick and Lindsey who are still here. We're not talking, we're just sitting in the living room, passing a joint to the next person. But something about Mick makes me feel uneasy. It's like he's about to do something very stupid. I try not to concentrate on that, I lie down on the couch, closing my eyes. A short moment after that I hear him say.

“Going to grab a drink, you want anything, Lindsey?”

“Grab me a beer, thanks.”

I'm glad we're not left alone for too long, Mick returns shortly, handing Lindsey a bottle. “I've been thinking and... Can I tell you something?” I'm still pretending I'm not here and let them talk.

“Sure. What’s up?”

“I’ve never thought I’d have to even have this conversation with you.” Mick sighs. “I know, well, everybody knows, that you and Stevie aren’t a couple anymore and haven't been for some time, but as a band mate and a friend, I feel like you should know this.”

“Know what…?” Lindsey turns his attention fully to Mick and so do I. "You don't have to tell me you two are fucking each other, because that's a well known fact around here."

“Right, but… It's more than just that now. We're in a sort of relationship.”

Lindsey’s expression doesn't seem to change much, but inside I know he's boiling mad. “You and Stevie?” Mick nods. “Stephanie?” He uses my given name, also pointing at me.

“I understand it might be hard for you to…”

“Do you love her?”

Mick, and I of course, are taken aback. He wasn't lying saying that we're in a relationship, it's just that it's completely fucked up. It hasn't been long since we admitted that to ourselves either, but has he... Could he have fallen for me? “You know… I’m very much in love with Stevie. She’s an amazing person who I’ve gotten to know so much better in this short period of time and she brought back light in to my life. I’m grateful to have her.”

Now I have to join in. I sit up, not sure what to say. "Mick..."

“Have her…" I turn to Lindsey, who starts laughing. "She’s too independent to be owned by someone.” I focus on Lindsey, I might be going crazy, but are those tears in his eyes? “Despite all we’ve gone through, Stevie is the most fantastic, beautiful, fragile soul I’ve ever got to know. I have no right to stand in your way, to have a say in this, to be offended, to feel betrayed… If you mean what you say, which I hope you do, please, just take care of her. Love her. God knows, that she needs it. I want the best for Stevie, if you’re the one to give her that, then so be it. But if you’re playing, if you decide you can toy with her feelings… you should think again, Fleetwood. Don’t you ever try to hurt her.”

His words shock me and I don't hide my tears. I want to reach out and wrap myself around him, tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for hurting him. But I can't, not anymore.

“I wouldn’t dare, Lindsey. She’s too important to me.” Inside my head I'm screaming at Mick to just shut the fuck up and leave.

“I hope you mean that. I love her, I always will no matter what and I will fight for those I love.” Lindsey says as if I'm not even here with them and then leaves the room.

"Well, that went better than I expected." Mick says and comes over to sit next to me.

"You're a fucking idiot, Mick Fleetwood."

"He had a right to know."

"First of all, don't you think you should have discussed telling him with me first? And he already knew enough."

"Oh come on, don't get upset."

"Why would you say you love me?"

"Because that's how I feel. And you...?"

"And I what?"

"You don't feel the same?"

"I don't know." It's the most honest answer I can give him.

"What do you know, Stevie!"

"I know I love Lindsey."

"Yeah, well, you can't have him." He gets up and leaves me completely alone.

I wish I could cry, but the tears don't come, so I sit here by myself, thinking for a while. I can't have Lindsey, that much is true, but I can't stop loving him either. I'm left with little choice... I exhale deeply and go up the stairs, and enter Mick's bedroom.