The In Between

Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Tara

On the first day of 11th grade we walk into school hand-in-hand and Justin drops me off in front of Homeroom. When the bell rings I’m on my own.

By now, everyone knows about me and Justin, but they still seem really surprised. It’s such a backhanded compliment. Like when someone says, “OMG, you look amazing” but the subtext screams that you usually look like crap. It’s exactly the same as that, all day long, moving from class to class, only with everyone constantly pointing out, “You and Justin, OMG!”

In other news, Amanda and Wayne Cleary are all over each other. Wayne plays football and for anyone else he’d be a catch, but I can’t help feeling that Amanda is using him to make Justin jealous. Something about the way she watches Justin in the hallway, the way she manages to sit directly behind him in assembly, and follows him so closely in the lunch line... It’s weird, like we switched roles; she’s the one watching and waiting for Justin now.

Anyway, Amanda and her posse hadn’t acknowledged my existence last year, but now they very actively and obviously dislike me, pulling their trays closer together when I walk by in the cafeteria, and shooting me soul-piercing dirty looks in the hallway and in class.  Trust me, this being “known” thing is not preferable to social oblivion. Well, without Justin it wouldn’t be. With him, I feel like I can handle pretty much anything.

Unfortunately, Gabby and Justin still seem incapable of having a normal conversation. Justin doesn’t speak celebrity and Gabby doesn’t speak sports. I think their shared love of music and me should help, but it doesn’t. Gabby doesn’t try at all. And Justin tries too hard.

Luke is our hero. When he sits with us, he connects the dots.

Justin and I have only one class together, English. In a way, it’s probably better that we’re not together in more classes. His physical presence is so distracting that it’s hard for me to concentrate. I’m hyper-aware of his every movement; I can feel it when he rearranges his legs, turns a page, writes in his notebook. When he speaks in class I listen intently as if the words contain a hidden code meant just for me, though he’s only ever talking about whatever it is we’re reading. Then again, I spend a good deal of time in my other classes wondering what he’s doing while we’re apart, anyway. Together or not, one part of my mind is always with Justin. 

I wonder if it’s the same for him. If I occupy the same amount of space in his head and heart.

Somehow, though, he has three classes with Amanda. I swear she must have bribed someone in the principal’s office. One night, when I am over at his house studying for a quiz the next day, Amanda calls to ask him about their history homework. Justin answers her questions quickly and politely, but I feel my shoulders tense in anger as he hangs up.

“What was I supposed to do, be a jerk and not answer my phone?” he asks, reading my not-at-all subtle face.

I roll my eyes. He sighs.It feels like the beginning of a fight I don’t want to have.  Questions boil up inside me that I never want to ask.

“Tara, there’s nothing for you to worry about,” he assures me, touching my cheek. “Amanda and I are over. You know that.”

But I don’t know it. I never gave up on being with Justin. I don’t think she will either.

“She’s not a nice person.”

“Tara—”

“Is this the part where you say that you know her sweet center and that she’s really not the devil?” I’m picking a fight, but I want to know more about them. I want him to quiet the voice in my head, the one that says he might one day pick her over me.

“I couldn’t hurt her and she couldn’t hurt me. That’s what I liked about her. She was safe. You’re terrifying,” Justin explains.

I think I wanted him to say that the more he got to know Amanda the more he realized she was rotten on the inside. But that wasn’t what he was saying. He was saying that they weren’t connected like we are. But they were connected somehow. And I fill in the blanks that they connected physically, not emotionally. I don’t like to think about how far they went.

“You and me weren’t together yet, Tara,” he says simply and looks back down at his books.

I feel let down. Like he should hate her, if nothing else, for being so nasty to me. I hate thinking about them together. Every time I see her face, images of them cuddling and kissing wash over me. I just want to stay as far away from her as possible. I want him to stay as far away from her as possible. But unless we drop out of school and leave Heron, that just isn’t an option.

I go to Gabby’s hoping for some sympathy. But she’s all about the tough love these days. She paces her room sipping on a pear smoothie.

“You’re making him into ‘us,’” she says. “He had friends before you—a life before you. And he doesn’t hang out with any of them anymore.”

“What are you saying? You think I should become an Awesome-Not?”

“Never. But maybe it should be more of a time-share situation? Because trying to keep him away from everything he knows will just make him resent you.”

I sit down. I can’t believe Gabby, of all people, is suggesting I be more open to a friendship with the Awesome-Nots. But she has a point—I wouldn’t feel too great if Justin kept me from Gabby—and the last thing I want is to push him away, or make him unhappy. I sigh. I have to get over my issues with Amanda and try to make this work.