DIARY OF A RAPPERS BABY MAMA

" Up to my Neck with feelings , life is tryna wear me thin " -Sevanna

MY anxiety and depression were in full combat mode andI had nobody to run too. Somehow I wanted him around because no matter how it happened this was something that was both of us. I did know abortion wasn't and option for me. At the end of the day I put myself in that situation and had to reap whatever came out of it. I was losing my mind! Here I was pregnant with a baby , by a man I barely knew who then disappeared.

When I was about 6months I got a dm from him on a new instagram asking how I was , and sad to say I was excited to share this news about this new life we had coming into the world. After fighting myself for months he disappeared. My mind was made up. I'd be a single mom and do it alone, something that didn't sit well with me . So when he was excited too it was a breath of fresh air , he wanted to know the name I had picked out , what I possibly needed and how I was overall. That gave me hope that maybe we can be a family. Distracted by baby talk and what seemed to be care I let my guard down and was open to any ideas or maybe I just wanted to believe I'd have the family I've never seen or grew up with! He soon asked me to come see him , but I knew I loved this child with my whole heart and I had to protect this angel at any cost so I feared meeting up with him and him losing his temper. This time however I told him and brought up the last time using those exact words! HE knew what I was talking about and apologized. He said he was in a bad space at that time in his life and him being in jail gave him a different outlook on things. It sounded good but I let him know I was still scared and we'd have to build that trust up again. Eventually I asked him why he was locked up. He said people were plotting his downfall because he's the next big rapper to come out of Philly. ( All tea , No shade but this is when I knew he had mental illness too) When I asked for details he said he couldn't give them because it was an open case and by now I knew not to push when he said something because of past encounters. Somehow my curiosity still got the best of me and I looked it up he was arrested for rape. The charges were listed from kidnapping to rape by forcible compulsion. One thing I know is they will try to hit you with all types of things but deep in my heart I knew there was some kind of truth to these charges. I was disgusted and triggered by the encounter which led to conception. Instantly I was reminded why I let it the fuck go!
Now here I am pregnant as hell , and depressed again. I began to hate myself and couldn't believe I was having a baby by a rapist. What would I tell my child or my family when they inquired about the mystery man. Despite what I knew as facts and what I had no clue about apart of me wished now I pushed harder to get real answers. Without those real answers I just kept convincing myself it was some kind of mistake or maybe he didn't perceive his aggression as assault. Myself was confused by it. I knew what hurt me and couldn't imagine another woman going through that but it still wasn't enough to keep me away from the exact man who brought pain. Maybe I was use to it , maybe it's because how I grow up and to know pain was to be loved.

Now here I am pregnant as hell , and depressed again. I began to hate myself and couldn't believe I was having a baby by a rapist. What would I tell my child or my family when they inquired about the mystery man.

Time was moving quickly , with him pushed to the furthest he could go in the back of my mind I was getting prepared for my child's arrival. However just like everything else involved with him something unexpected happened. I gave birth a whole month early. A beautiful healthy baby, that day in May was the best day of my life. As if he had a sixth sense he watched my page from his original instagram and saw his child had been born. He immediately messaged me and asked if he could come to the hospital! I knew for a fact it wasn't going down like that my mom was there and hated him. She didn't know much about our dealings with another but she knew what he was arrested for because during that time I found out my mind began to shatter and I had to talk to her! Anyway I told him no he couldn't come to the hospital because it was a lot of stress with her being a preemie and im adjusting to being a new mom. That's when I found out he had kids, he told me 3 of his kids were born prematurely and kept assuring me she would be fine. I was just stuck on the 3 kids part because I don't think he remembered he told me he had 1 daughter. Constantly pissed off with great feelings of deceit and betrayal I called him out on it. He simply laughed and said I have seven now. I was disgusted because why lie about children you have and why aren't they around. He easily put the blame on the children's mothers , and I just couldn't understand what a mom could do to make you not be a part of your child's life. Soon enough I'd sure find out his reasons for cutting his child(ren) off in a nasty cycle! Focusing on this new life and new chapter in my life had me ecstatic, adapting to motherhood was an easy transition. My child's father often asked to be a part of the experience but I was unsure and always managed to get out of meeting up with him. I even told him I wasn't taking her out anywhere until she got hers shots which was true! He felt attacked by that and took it as if I said he'd hurt her. Two months quickly passed and he seemed eager to see the baby, yet now that i'm talking about it he never sent me a dime or asked me if I had shit for her. Somehow I wasn't focused on that though , I had talked to a few people and even prayed about it and thought it'd be a good idea to give him a chance to do right by our child. I felt like I owed it to my baby, so in the future I could say " mommy tried her damn hardest" the ball was once again in his court he'd either airball or slam dunk!
The first time they met it was like an instant connection. As if they had already had a bond , it honestly was a great thing to watch. He did the stuff I normally do for our baby , I was happy , he put the baby to sleep. That's when things started to heat up. He told me he had some weed rolled and we went to the bathroom and smoked. We didn't really do much talking the whole time I was there, but now the baby was asleep and it was him and I under the influence. We started to have a deep discussion and everything sounded so good, it seemed like I was gonna have my family. He even told me he loved me and he knew this was what he wanted! We ended up having sex which was quickly interupted by an awaken baby. That night I went home on a cloud!
As time passed he was truly being a great dad, we'd go see We chilling one day and he sees a roach at his mom house, he goes to her room and telling her something about bombing it out. She's basically telling him its the complex they living in not that. Im in the other room , next thing I know it gets heated. He starts going off like he cant live like this and that he dont like dirty shit yaddah ya. I CAN NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP!!!!! Next he starts jumping up and down screaming about how he been dealing with this his whole life and he refuses. My daughter is in her carseat on the couch and he's being super park ape. So his mom says to him " im not none them girls im not scared of you" confused to what she meant but I'd soon find out. He then starts acting as if he'd fight his mom and started saying to her to get her boyfriend for him. He even told her " you know how I get, Ill fuck all this up" She's steady baiting him and telling him he wont do shit. At this point he's throwing stuff and my child is freaking out. I immeditley decided to get the fuck out of there.