Holding Back || j.g.

Chapter 5

I woke up to Jack shaking me. It was all a dream. Thank, God it was all a dream.

"ARE YOU OKAY?" he asked worriedly.

"What happened?" I asked.

"You fell asleep and I heard some sniffs, I thought you were upset about something. But when I walked in, you kept saying that you could explain something to me. What did you mean?"

"Just childish nightmares." I lied.

"Those were obviously not childish. If they were childish, you wouldn't have been saying that you can explain. Is there something you want or need to tell me?"

There it was. My moment to speak up. My moment to get this weight lifted off my shoulders. But I didn't. I was mute.

"Jack it's nothing. Just nightmares of me losing you as a friend is all."

He looked at me in complete silence, "You will never lose me. I'm always going to be here for you. No matter what."

"That's not what you'll be saying soon." I thought.

Once he let go of me after that short period of embracement, I went to make some breakfast for myself. The thing I like about being around these guys is that it's kind of like my safe haven. I can talk to them about anything and they won't judge me. If they do judge me, they'll know when they've taken it too far.

I thought about my past and just how it all went by so fast. The first playdate I had, first day of school, first time meeting JJ. I smiled. It all seemed like such a fairytale. Despite all the shit with Ryan, my life was great. I was grateful for everything.

*flashback*

"I would like to bring up to the stage our outstanding valedictorian, Jamie Johnson." my principal announced. It was finally graduation day.

Now I know what you might be thinking, "are you related to Jack Johnson?" No, we just have the same last name. Which is one way that J and I bonded. We both had the same last name the same way he and Jack had the same first name. We were always asked that question, but no, we aren't related in any type of way. And if we just so happen to be related, then I never knew about it.

"Ladies, gents, class of 2014. We managed to survive all 13 years of high school. It seemed like just yesterday, we were in kindergarten in the sandbox, first to fifth grade the playground, sixth to eighth hanging out in a 'special' spot of ours, and finally, the last four years of high school. Dying to finally be set free. Today marks that day that we're set free. We've met good and bad people along the way, people that we should hold onto for the rest of our lives, and others that we should just simply let go. There might've been many fights between you and your best friend, but hey, what's a true friendship if you don't argue here and there," I paused, "I just have one last thing to say, class of 2014, we survived!"

I tried to be Elle Woods from Legally Blonde when she read her graduation speech. The ceremony was over and we all said our goodbyes. I'll admit, I was getting teary because I knew that with some of these people, this would be the last time we will ever speak to each other.

Jasmine ran to me and hugged me nearly tackling me, "I'm gonna miss you so much! Please don't go!!"

I smiled, "Well, UCLA hasn't even replied yet, so I'm stuck in Omaha until they do, depending on whether or not I get in."

"I have faith in you. You're gonna get in." she said.

"And how are you so sure, Ms. Butler?" I asked.

"You make it so hard to sound supportive." she teased.

"Ugh, I'm gonna miss you too much. If you -when you- get in, come back and visit when you can okay? Call me as much as possible."

We had our final hug, and stood there, "I will mom." I joked.

Once that was over, I went back home and thought about my future. I had everything planned out when I was younger. Now that I'm out of high school, my perspective of everything has changed. I no longer desired to be a teacher. I lost myself. I sat in my living room in utter silence for a while before my parents came in and congratulated me on the moment they've been waiting for.

*present day*

"Why do I always catch you deep in thought all the time?" Johnson asked.

"It's just a habit. I'm always thinking about stuff. It's not normal."

"You saying that thinking is abnormal is like saying that my hair is abnormal."

"Because it is!" I laughed.

"So what are you thinking about?" he asked.

"Just graduation and personal things."

"Graduation was a blast. I kinda miss high school. Actually, I miss the cool teachers I had, not the learning part."

"Dude same." I agreed.

"So tell me about these personal thoughts." he said.

I looked at him in silence, "I'd rather not... and don't think it's because I don't trust you, I'm just not ready to speak about this yet. But when I do, you and Jack will be the first ones I tell. I promise."

He was taken aback, "It's okay. I don't wanna pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. Especially when it comes to things like this. It's fine."

"Thanks for understanding, boo." I said. I was genuinely grateful for these guys.

"But, if it's in the past, we should just leave it there, right?" he asked.

"Yeah, but these past memories aren't something you can't let go of in the blink of an eye. It's more complicated than it seems. It's hard to explain without actually having to tell you what I'm talking about." I tried to explain myself.

"Is this about Ryan?"

Fuck. How does he know about Ryan. More importantly, why is he asking about Ryan...?

"What?"

"Well is it?"

"Jack it's no-"

He interrupted me, "It is, isn't it? Jamie I know when you're lying."

"Do you? How bout this," I tried to change the subject, "after you boys headed off to LA, I bought a new car for my parents as a thank you using my college money."

"Hmm..." he thought about it, "I guess I can't really tell when you're lying. But did you really?"

"Nah. I used some of it to buy my plane ticket over here. I would, but I'm gonna need that money for books and whatnot."

He paused, "Do you really wanna go to UCLA?"

"Well, what else am I supposed to do with my life? I can't sing. I can't dance. I ca-"

"You can act!" he interrupted me... again.

"You've gotta stop interrupting me. Jack." I joked, "I don't think I'm cut out to be an actress. I wasn't born to be famous. I wasn't born to make it big and be hella successful right after college like you and Jack. I just can't. I'm not."

"We all have some type of undiscovered talent. Jack wasn't even interested in singing 'til his sisters got him to join the choir remember? I mean yeah, it's beneficial now, but you're one of those special people that takes a little longer to realize what their talent is and what they really wanna be. Deep down inside, sooner or later you'll find it, I believe in you." he said with a smile.

I thought to myself, maybe I don't want to go to college... But I've come so far and I finally got accepted, what the hell am I suppose to do now?