In The Dawn - Cedric & Sarah

Chapter 3

After the incident that happened between me and Sarah the previous day, my heart boiled throughout the night. My mind been up the whole night thinking about the things she said. She really has insulted me. Not that I needed an apology from her but she did not bother to call. When I woke up, it was my thoughts running through the previous day’s events. My eyelids felt heavy. I couldn’t get off the bed. I was questioning every word she said. I had never been so insulted in my life and I took everything Sarah said into heart and I made it personal. She had no right to speak to me in a manner she did. I know I was guilty for being black but I deserved to be treated with respect too. I don’t have money but that does not make me less of a human being. 
     I remembered the business card she gave me the first time we met and I searched the trouser I was wearing when we met. Luckily, I found it. I grabbed my telephone and before I could dial her number, I questioned my action. What would that make me if I call the person who wronged me? What will I begin to say to her? Does that make me mature if I call her? No, it doesn’t, so I put the telephone down and threw her business card away. I took a long bath and the memories of my mother flashed right in front of my eyes. I matched Sarah’s words with reality and damn she was right. As much as I try to fight it, but truth existed in her words. I sold my mom’s freedom for me to have a good life. Although it was her choice to do it but I should had never allowed it. In her eyes it may seem right but in the eyes of people, it was wrong and selfish. Before Sarah mentioned this to me, it never crossed my mind that what I did to my mother was pure evil and selfish. My mother made that choice because she wanted what’s best for me, not what’s best for her. I always said I want to make her happy but what’s the point of wishing enormous happiness for someone if you can’t provide the little of it? I’ve always wished biggest things for my mom and I forgot that even little things mattered.
     What’s happiness to begin with? How do we describe happiness? How do we measure happiness? Why is there happiness in the first place if not everybody will have it? Does happiness have its people where it belongs to? Do we buy or apply for happiness, and if yes, where? Because I would like to buy endless of it for my mother.
   Is winning a gamble happiness or excitement? Is buying your first phone happiness or excitement? Is buying your dream car happiness or excitement? If someone loves you, is it happiness or appreciation? Actually, how do we know if someone is happy? Is it the smile? Is it the beat of their heart? Do we see it in the flash of their eyes? Is it when they see their children graduate? Is it when the couple have their first child? Is it when they get married? Is it when you get a job? Or is it when a mother sees her child taking a first step? Well, I don’t know. I hope to witness the happiness everyone talks about one day.

    WHEN I WAS DONE bathing, I took my bag that only had a wallet and two plies of toilet paper and I walked to school. Unlike in the townships, in the suburbs you can have a twenty minutes’ walk without seeing anyone on the street other than your shadow. You could feel the thin air pushing leaves in its direction. You could even hear the sound of your thoughts. The silence gave me a chance to think and prepare the lessons to give to my learners. I usually prepare my lessons during this time when I walk to school. If I’m not preparing a lesson, I’m building a house in my mind. A house that me, my siblings and my mother could stay in.
    When I reached the school yard, I had already prepared the whole lesson in my mind. I passed through the main office to sign the attendance register and I made my way to my class. My class was on the 2nd floor-5th class from the right. My school was divided into three areas. A grade eight-and-nine area which is called block H. A grade ten-and-eleven area which is called Block F. And also my block for grade 12s which is called Block M. Don’t ask me why the alphabets don’t correspond. I did not ask, so please don’t ask too. 
   When I entered in my class, my learners stood up to greet me. I bowed my head in response to their greetings and I made a way to my desk. The first class was Mathematics but I stole it for literature and language. I made my way to the front with a chalk on my left hand.
     “Yesterday I asked you to go and prepare for a debate right?” I said and the kids yelled out.
     “Yes!”
     “Okay, I will need two volunteers who will stand at the front and tell us what they understand about love and infatuation, or what they know.” I said and added. “Any volunteers?”
My eyes looked around and I only saw three raised hands. The first hand came from Ben, the kid who said to be a pilot. Second was Simon, the boy whose dream is to own a restaurant. And thirdly it was Isabel, the girl whose sister messed up my day. The girl who introduced me to her monster sister Sarah. The girl behind the insults I received yesterday. Without her, I wouldn’t have met Sarah. Mr Boerberg and Isabel were my worst nightmares.
    My original idea for the debate was to have a boy and a girl. And the hands that were up were three - two boys I liked and one girl I didn’t like. I didn’t want to choose Isabell or let alone give her any attention at all. I know it’s wrong to hate someone for another person’s mistake but Isabell was to be blamed for everything. To avoid messing up my plan for the debate and by being unfair, as a result, I chose both Ben and Isabell to come to the front. Ben stood up from the second row and he made his way to the front. It only took Isabell less than a second to come to the front because her seat was at the front row. They both stood facing their fellow learners and when I spoke, they turned their heads to face me.
     “I need each one of you to choose a side they’ll defend, either love or infatuation.” I looked at Ben, “What do you choose?” I asked him.
     “I’ll have to go with Infatuation Sir.” he responded.
I looked at the girl whose sister insulted me yesterday.
     “So obviously yours is love, or unless you wanted to swap?” I asked her.
     “No sir, I actually wanted to side with love.”
     “Wonderful. So this is how it’s going to work. I will bring a question forth and you’ll debate on it based on the side you each picked. The question is simple. If you are a deep thinker, you are more likely to win.” I said and continued, “Are you ready for the question?” I asked.
     “Yes.” they both replied.
     “Okay... What is love and what is infatuation? And can one see if they are in love or infatuated?” I looked at them as I spoke “That’s your topic.”
I went back to my desk and pulled my chair and sat. I rolled my chair to face their direction.
     “Let’s begin with you Ben. Is love even real? And how can you differentiate it from infatuation?” I added.
   Ben paused for almost ten seconds cracking his skull with thoughts. The whole class went quiet as we all waited for him to shower us with his thoughts.
     “Okay Sir, first I wish to say love does exist, perhaps somewhere in Jupiter or Mars, just not in earth. In earth, people mistaken love for admiration and interest or infatuation. When people think they love someone, it’s not really love they feel, it’s just the admiration they have for someone; it’s a desire in them wanting to be with someone who will feed their needs or complement their insecurities. In most cases, women are the victim of this true love-syndrome. Women love hearing compliments in such way she’ll open her heart to a man thinking she loves him when it’s only her vulnerability lying to her. Vulnerability has left women in many false marriages and relationships. Some women’s vulnerabilities are ego, pride, beauty, body and/or compliments. If you feed a woman her vulnerabilities, she’ll think she loved you when the truth is, they admire you for how you speak and praise them, and so, where’s love there?” Ben said and Isabell jumped in.
     “You mean well when you say girls love compliments. Yes, I agree with you, women are vulnerable. It is the nature of all of us to appreciate sweet words. But the only prejudice thing in your statement is that, you forgot to mention that men are vulnerable beings too. They also love hearing compliments. They love it when you shower them with compliments but they hide it behind their ego, which is also their vulnerability. Men pretend to be strong until you attack their vulnerabilities. Tell a man he smells good and you’ll see how happy he will be. Tell a man his car is beautiful and watch his smile grow. Tell him about the size of his manhood and you’ll notice the difference in him. See, life is about exploring one another. Our vulnerabilities help us grow interest in a person. And Interest is the mother of love. If a person is in love, it automatically mean they have explored their partner’s vulnerability, not fully, but they have learnt few things about them that interest them. Hence when you have explored a person’s vulnerability, it makes it easier for you to know what they like and dislike. You will know what makes them happy and sad. In most cases you will do everything that makes them happy because their happiness is your happiness too, and we know happiness ignites true love.” Isabel said with her eyes focused on Ben.
     “Are you saying love is happiness? Actually, can you describe love for me just to check if you know what you are talking about, because now I’m seeing that you are missing the difference between interest and attraction? Attraction can fool you into thinking you are in love with the person you are with. Most of you fall in love with celebrities – a person you don’t know. How can you be certain that it is love you have for them. Let me tell you this scenario. A Wiseman found a young man eating fish and he asked him why are you eating that fish? The young man said to him because I love fish. Then he said oh you love the fish. That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it. Don’t tell me the young man loves the fish. He loves himself, and because the fish tastes good to him, therefore, he took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it. If the boy truly loved the fish, he wouldn’t have taken it out of the water and killed it. And back to reality, a man will come to a lady and lie to her saying he loves her, only because he saw that she can provide him all his physical needs and emotional needs. The man is basically looking out for his own needs (Mostly sex). It’s not the love for the other. But it’s a love for himself. Therefore, a woman or both, will mistaken that for true love when it was merely interest.” Ben said with a half-smile.
     “Okay I understand your point fully. But Let me correct you somewhere. An external love is not what I’m going to get but what I’m going to give. The people make a serious mistake in thinking that you give to those in whom you love, and the real answer is, you love those to whom you give. If I give you something, I have invested myself in you. Since self-love is given, everybody loves themselves, now the part of me has become in you. There’s a part of me in you that I love. Therefore, when I look at you, I see myself in another form. True love is a love of giving, not the love of receiving. Now that is real love. Love can never be defined Ben. Just as emotions can never be defined. They can only be expressed. The only thing you can say when you are not feeling well is saying that you feel angry, or sad but you can never really go into details about how you feel. Same as love, you can only feel love. Love is something that you cannot define but only express. Love cannot be touched but it can touch you. You will feel it. You will feel the warmth of it.” Isabel said and she looked at me and back to Ben, “Let me ask you this question, have you ever seen your face.”
     “Yes I have.” Ben replied.
     “No, you have never seen your face.”
Ben laughs a little and he replied. “I have seen my face and I know how I look Isabell.”
     “I disagree with you. You’ve only seen the reflection of your face, not your actually face. Now let’s take it back to the old times when there were no mirrors. How would you be sure you have a face if you’ve never seen it? Don’t you think people of the past believed they had faces? Of course they did, you know why? Because it’s something they felt. They are able to function it. So is love.” said Isabel.
     “I love your scenario. You cannot compare a face with love. People in the past believed they had a face simply because they were able to touch and control it, but I cannot say the same with love. And in other words you are saying, love has special people in whom it dwell in, right? And if that’s the case, why would one believe in something that only favours certain people? What are those requirements for love? Do you have to be moneyed to be love? Do you have to drive to be loved? Love is just an illusion. Love is something that is false or not real but most population perceive it to exist. People who claim to be in love are not in love, the truth is, they are attracted by a particular trait in that person they say they in love with. They have desires and needs with which they need to fulfil. Some people are into relationships because of the lust of their partner’s money or it could be more. If a boy sees a pretty girl, he’ll want to make her his lover. It’s no secret that boys want pretty girls. So if love is based on looks, can you really depend on it? What will happen if that beauty fades? Will that man still love the girl like before? Nope, obviously, things will change. He will begin to search elsewhere for a pretty girl he’ll claim to love and where’s love in that? Whereas girls easily fall in love with a handsome-rich man. A man who’s muscled or moneyed. If you ask people to define their ideal partners, you’d notice that they love the traits of that person. Ask a man what type of a girl he wants and he’ll mention to you a pretty girl with huge bums and portable breasts or ass. Their description of love is always based on how a girl should look like. A girl will describe her ideal man as a person who is kind, smells good, dresses well or good looking and mostly, he must be working or have a hustle. What if I have none of those, will you say you love me? Or let me make it simple, will you love me? People have different reasons for being with someone. Some is sex, some is for a show-off and some is for a status and they all reason it with love. If a man is dating a pretty girl, he’ll want to show her off to the world because it makes them cool. So if it’s possible for someone to wake up one day and say they do not love you anymore, can you really say love truly exists?” Said Ben.
     “Okay now I see what your mistake is. You are mistaking lust with love. Lust is there. Lust is one thing that dribbles people’s mind and they mistaken it with love. The reason people say love does not exist is because they have higher expectations of it. People will expect to see their partners go an extra mile for them and make big sacrifices and if their partners fail, they’ll question their love and this will lead to them questioning the existence of love. If you want to see the greater form of love, don’t make high expectations. You should expect anything from love. Do not always focus to the good side of love only, but see it as a boundary between good and bad. Know that there are good times and bad times. As I said before, love is what you invest in another person and not what you receive. It is what you give. Love is not what you expect. When you say you love someone, is not really them that you love. You love the person you are when you are with them. You will always do anything that will make them happy simply because it affects your life when they are sad. In short I’m saying the person you love is the reflection of your soul in a human form. Love is an intense, powerful feeling or some chemistry you have with another person. Ask yourself this question, why do people go crazy and be stupid when they are in love? The answer is, the presence of love is the absence of fear. A person who’s in love fears nothing, hence they are able to express it fully. The only thing they fear is losing their partner. Love makes you wish to conquer the world. Love makes you strong. Love makes you enough. Love enables you to feel in a way you’ve never felt before. Love makes you wish to reach for stars. Love makes you wish to be a better person. Love is strong. Love is absolute.” Isabel said and the class murmured.
     “At what point are you certain that you love someone?” Ben asked and continued, “Is it when you go for a picnic that you both hardly want but only do for the sake of each other’s happiness? Is it when you tell each other lies on how you make each other happy? Or is it when you look at each other’s eyes with pretence? Have you ever asked yourself why you love your parents? Isn’t it because they have done so much for you and still doing it without even demanding from you anything. What if they start demanding something from you every time they do something for you? Most of your so called true love for your parents will instantly vanish. Many of you will then start arguing with them over the matter. I know a majority of people will not accept this but it’s the harsh truth. Let me make you an example, if a man takes care of a flower every day, what will happen to the flower? It will flourish right? It will look beautiful and attractive. It will obviously attract the eyes of people, even those that do not love it. But does that mean it won’t die? Nope, eventually it will die. Same goes with infatuation. When the infatuation dies, so is the claim for love. Then where is true love in that?” asked Ben.
     “Love does not die. It will always be there even if you are no longer with the person. Let me clear a picture for you. I want to give you a picture I’m hoping you will see. How do you know you are hungry? Do you see that you are hungry?” asked Isabell.
     “No.”
     “So, how sure are you that you are hungry? You feel it right? If you can feel the hunger, why can’t you feel love? Do you only believe in things that satisfy you only? Before you question the existence of love, make sure you have no feelings at all. And I doubt there’s anybody in the world who doesn’t have feelings. Let me ask you a simple question, if someone kills your mom or someone you are close to, how would you feel towards that person?” Bella asked.
     “Your question is stupid because you know what I will say. What’s the use of asking me a question that you already know an answer for?”
     “I want to hear you say it.”
     “It’s obvious that I’ll be mad.” Ben replied.
     “You answered wrong. My question was, now that the man has killed your mom, will you hate that man who killed her?”
     “With my heart and soul.” Ben said.
     “So you do believe there’s hate?”
     “I know hate is there, so is like.”
     “If you can believe hate is there, what makes it hard for you to believe love is there, too? Hate is the absence of love. And love is the absence of hate. If you are not in darkness, you are in light. If you don’t hate someone, you love them.” Isabell said.
     “No, if I don’t hate someone, I like them. Liking and loving are two things – one exists and the one doesn’t. Let me ask you this question Isabel. Have you ever been in love before? Answer with only a yes or a no.”
     “No, I have never been in love.”
     “So why do you believe in something you’ve never had?” asked Ben.
     “Because I’ve seen it from other people. Do you love cars Ben?” she asked.
     “I like them, yes.”
     “I know you don’t own a car but why do you love cars if you don’t own one?” Isabell asked.
     “Because I like them. Don’t compare love with cars. I can see a car and I can’t say the same about love. I do believe in things I can see and touch. I cannot touch fire, but it can touch me and I can see it. I want you to understand that...” Before Ben could finish his sentence, I stopped him because the time was almost up and I didn’t want him to bring a hot response that was going to be distracted by a school bell.
I pulled myself from a chair and went over to them and I stood in between.
     “Save that fire for tomorrow Bernard. I think it’s enough for the day. We shall continue tomorrow. You may go back to your seats.” I said.
The class applauded as Ben and Isabell made their way to their seats.
     “Truly speaking, I am not impressed with your debate.” I said and pulled prayer- hands on my face.
     “I have learnt nothing from your debate. You were too focused on happiness, cars and other things that don’t relate to love. What I needed to hear was the existence of love and infatuation, but you did not get to that point. You did not impress me really. I hope tomorrow you will provide me with something that is greater than this. Go do your research thoroughly.” I said disappointed.