Steps | Jung Jaehyun

Chapter 21

"Haewon, please eat. You've been barely eating for the past 2 days." Minji begged me when I went out of my room.

2 days since that day, cowering in fear, afraid that my identity would get exposed, hiding from the society, and no signs from Jaehyun.

I smiled weakly at her, "It's okay, I ate a bit already this morning. Besides, I'm full now." I told her, trying to reassure her that I'm fine.

Minji could only stare at me with sad eyes. I feel guilty for worrying her by not eating, but I really don't feel like eating right now. The thought of food makes me want to puke.

"I think you should go take a walk around the park for fresh air." Minji suggested me. I looked at her in confusion, "I thought I'm not allowed to go out though?" I asked her.

"Yeah, but you look like you really need it. It's night now so I don't think there's that many people, but please wear an oversized jacker, mask, glasses and hat just in case." she suggested me.

I smiled at her suggestion, "I think I'll do that, can I borrow your fake glasses?" I asked her, causing her to nod and leave my room to search for her fake glasses.

I went to my cabinet and took out Jaehyun's jacket, well to be precise my jacket now since he gave it to me. I put on the jacket and wore a mask and hat. 

Funny how I considered Jaehyun to be suspicious because he wore a mask and hat and now I'm the one doing it.

"Here's the glasses." Minji said to me while handing me the glasses. I muttered a thankyou to her. "Please be careful and don't take off any of those, if you need me I'll be on standby. Just call me okay if anything happens?" she said while hugging me.

"Thankyou, Minji."

***

I walked around the park, passing by a few people along the way. They seem to be busy with their own stuffs though. I sighed in relief, knowing that my 'disguise' is working fine.

I looked up at the sky and frowned when I didn't see the moon, it seems like it'll rain soon. I probably should go back soon but I just want to keep wandering around the park.

It feels more peaceful here.

I walked around a bit more before heading to the fountain on the middle of the park, noticing that everyone left already since it's now 11 pm. Usually I'll be scared to go out at this time alone, but this time I prefer it like this.

Because for the first time in my life, I feel like people are scarier than loneliness.

I took out my phone and scrolled down the news, specifically the news about Jaehyun and me. Minji took my phone for these 2 days because she doesn't want me to search about it. Judging by how she reacted, I bet that there are so many people hating on me right now.

And unfortunately, my assumption is correct. They're calling me names, even as far as calling Jaehyun names despite being a fan before this news was out. 

Normally I would cry, but I'm just so tired right now. I feel numb, extremely numb. I know Jaehyun and I won't have a happy ending, I have a lot of people wanting my head now, and I don't even know if I could keep my job. I love my job with my whole heart though.

But you also know that you love Jaehyun the most and you would drop your job any time for him.

My heart clenched at that thought. Will I be given a choice to choose? What if I was given a choice to choose between those 2?

"Haewon." someone said, interrupting me from my thoughts.

I looked up to the source of the voice and widened my eyes, "Jae.. What are you doing here? How did you recognize me?" I asked Jaehyun who was also wearing a disguise. I

"I see that you're wearing my jacket.." he said while pulling down his mask, revealing a small smile.

I looked around to see no people, so I decided to pull down my mask too. "Yeah. I didn't realize going out while disguising feels so nice though, it feels nice knowing that no one would recognize me when I need some alone time." I said with a joking laugh.

He just smiled at me and went to sit beside me. "You look.. pale." he commented hesitantly. I raised my eyebrow at him. He's not acting like he usually does, is it because of the situation?

"Yeah.. The thought of food makes me want to puke.." I said with a laugh, trying to disguise my unwillingness to eat as a joke, not wanting him to be worried.

He looked away and hesitated before saying, "You should eat.. You'll end up sick if you don't.." he said in a weak voice.

I looked at him in worry, "What's wrong, Jae? You're not acting like yourself." I asked him.

He finally looked at me in the eye, but he still didn't say anything. Suddenly water started falling from the sky, I looked up to see rain starting to fall little by little.

"I'm breaking up with you."

I immediately looked back at him in horror, his face looking away from mine. Why? Is my face too disgusting for him to look at now?

"I-Is that w-what the company w-wanted us to do..?" I asked him, still shivering from the knife that suddenly pierced to my heart. I mean I was prepared to accept that the company wants us to break up, but expecting doesn't mean it'll hurt less.

"No, that's what I want. Ever since the news got out, a lot of my fans boycotted my solo merch items, heck some even boycotted NCT in general. Dating you isn't worth losing that, you're not worth it." He spat out without looking at me.

I clenched my fists, trying to not cry but tears wouldn't stop coming out my eyes. If he broke up with me due to the company's orders, I would understand. But out of his own will? It's something I'll never expect from him.

"I thought you were different, I thought you said wouldn't hurt me like my ex did. This is even worse than him." I said while trembling in anger, disappointment and sadness.

"I'm sorry." He apologized with no emotions. My tears were starting to mix with the rain that's falling.

We were both starting to drench by rain now, not that I care.

I was about to take off his jacket before he stopped me using his hand. "I don't want that anymore." He said with a dark voice, causing me to look up at him with fear, tears still brimming from my eyes.

"D-do you n-not love me a-anymore..?" I asked the question that I fear to ask since the start of this conversation. 

He looked away, "You'll always be my first love."

"But I mean so little to you." I smiled bitterly, while glaring at him in pain and disappointment. 

For a second I thought a feeling of hurt flashed to his eye for a second, before being replaced again with void.

"I told the company about my decision already, so they decided to move you to another group that is not NCT. After that they'll release a statement that we broke up already. You'll still get to work as a stage manager." He explained to me what happened at the meeting with a cold voice.

I felt another pang at my chest, Jaehyun never used that voice against me, other than that one time he got jealous. The Jaehyun I know was warm, gentle and loving.

Wait, another group that is not NCT?

This time I'm hysterical, "You're going to be separating me from my friends as well?!" I screamed at him in so much horror and hurt.

"They're my friends first before yours. And yes." He replied with a shrug, ask if I'm not breaking down right now. 

I could only look at him with so much horror and pain. Taking away the person I love? And then taking away my precious friends?

I feel like puking and screaming at how much hurt I'm feeling right now.

"Any more questions?" He asked with that cold voice again.

I glared at him, "No. How about you? Done taking everything I care about?" I said to him with every single menace tone I could gather.

"Well goodbye then, Kim Haewon." He said while turning back before walking away.

I could only stare with tears at his back as he left, while the rain still pouring from above me.

"But I don't want to say goodbye. No matter how much you're cruel to me right now, I still love you, Jung Jaehyun." I whispered to myself as I fell down the floor. My tears won't stop falling. The sky kept on raining, as if it was hearing my pleas that this is all just a nightmare. But no matter how much I cry and repeated to myself this is just a nightmare,

I know that this is reality, Jaehyun broke up with me.

Before I knew it, I blacked out right there, in the middle of the rain.