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HEADSPACE - jarbyn

HEADSPACE
jarbyn

WARNINGS !
suicidal themes !! please don't read if you think it may affect you in any way 🥺❤️

SONG: drown by bring me the horizon

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Corbyn wondered what it would be like to let himself go.

To be completely submerged beneath the water in the empty pool room of his high school, nothing but his overbearing thoughts to keep him company as his lungs screamed for air.

He thought about the pain. His lungs constricting in his chest as they wept for the sweet relief of oxygen, instead filling up with chlorinated water.

Would people be sad? Would his friends miss him, his family? Would they hate him? Would they feel the same level of pain by his passing that Corbyn feels on a daily basis?

Corbyn wanted to know if his misery would die with him or follow him to the grave. Would dying really relieve Corbyn, or make things that much harder to deal with in the afterlife?

Corbyn did too much thinking. He spent too long debating, going back and forth over this idea of death. Is this what he wanted, what he needed? Corbyn was still trying to answer that one.

Sitting on the edge, Corbyn let his feet dangle down and into the water, ankle deep and curious about going further.

As he stared down into the depth of the water, his own rippled reflection stared back at him. It wobbled before Corbyn's eyes, floating above the darkness that extended eight feet down.

Corbyn found it hard to tear his gaze away from his reflection. The silence that surrounded him only served as an opening for Corbyn's thoughts to quickly take over. He felt powerless in his own mind, overpowered by a million thoughts that sped by, never quite settling on one for too long.

He thought of his mind like a movie reel. His thoughts passed by in quick flashes, images accompanying each one as they raced through Corbyn's head.

The scene of Corbyn slipping into the water, sinking to the bottom and staying there played continuously.

Corbyn's bottom lip was tucked between his teeth, biting away anxiously. His eyes fell shut, overwhelmed by the mental picture before him, stuck on loop as he was forced to see the same film over and over.

The further he was dragged into watching the scene play out before him, the further he felt his body slip into the water.

Corbyn exhaled shakily, gripping the rough edges of the in ground pool until his knuckles turned white and his palms were left imprinted by the coarse flooring.

Somewhere inside him, his heart longed for someone to come into the room, interrupt the silence and steady Corbyn's endless stream of thoughts. But he was alone, not single a person in sight to witness as his grip loosened and his body slouched, falling deeper.

He felt weightless, falling slowly towards the ceramic tiled floors, feeling the bottoms of his feet graze the bottom. Drifting the final feet down, he could feel as the rest of his body brushed against the grainy tiles, scratching lightly at his skin.

Corbyn had the overwhelming desire to remain eight feet under for eternity. The lack of air made his lungs scream at him to go to the top, take a deep breath. The physical want to go back wasn't enough—not for Corbyn, not when the overcrowding of thoughts in his head begged for it to all stop.

Instead of giving in, only small bubbles escaped Corbyn's mouth, floating up to the surface as he remained on the pool floor. His eyes closed as he ignored the tightening of his chest. The remaining oxygen in his lungs left, begging for more.

Corbyn had a fleeting thought of just remaining under water, not going back up for air.

The image of his lifeless body floating to the top resurfaced to the front of his mind. The idea of someone finding him minutes or hours later, seeing him face down in the pool by himself. He felt pity for whoever that would be, but that thought left almost as quickly as it came.

Corbyn felt his mouth open involuntarily in a desperate attempt for air, face forming a grimace as he considered shooting to the top for air. His head felt fuzzy, blurred images of everything and anything entering his brain. Corbyn felt a brief moment of panic settle in his chest, not lasting long before muffled sound passed through from the top to Corbyn. 

"Hey!"

Corbyn's eyes peeled open, eyes burning as he was met with the blurred picture of a boy.

With a last second of hesitation, Corbyn let the more sensible part of his brain take over, bringing him to the surface with a gasp for the air his lungs had been deprived of.

"Are you okay?" The boy asked, leaning up from his kneeling position to glance at Corbyn worriedly.

Just like that, all thoughts Corbyn had of drowning tonight left him. He blinked rapidly, wiping water from his face like he wish he could the ideas from his head.

"Uh, yeah." Corbyn coughed slightly, breathing heavily. "I-I'm okay. Must've gotten lost in thought down there." Corbyn tried for a smile, a weak one flickering across his quivering lips before disappearing.

"You're sure?" The boy checked, eyes flickering over Corbyn's figure quickly, his bottom half still submerged under water. "Are you cold? Maybe you should get out for a little bit."

Corbyn glanced down, only now noticing how his arms and chest were littered with small bumps, his legs presumably the same.

"Um, yeah, thanks." Corbyn rested his hands on the edge of the pool, using the strength he had left to push himself up and onto the rough surface beneath him.

"I'm Jack, by the way." The boy told him, holding out a hand to help Corbyn to his feet.

Corbyn took it, finding he towered over the boy. Jack looked up at Corbyn with tinted cheeks as Corbyn took an awkward step back.

"Corbyn." He smiled, this one lingering a bit as he held eye contact with Jack. He took note of their hands which were still grasping each other's, pulling away and taking another step back. "I should head out."

"Oh! Yeah, of course." Jack looked away, nodding in agreement as he avoided eye contact. 

"Thank you." Corbyn said sincerely, the two locking eyes once more. "I appreciate it."

"Any time, Corbyn. Hope to see you again?" He said in a questioning tone, head tilted back in an adorable way.

"Definitely." They shared one last glance, shy smiles spreading across their faces, before Corbyn turned and walked out without a second glance.

Corbyn felt like Jack was the sign he had been searching for without even knowing it. At the very least, he knew he'd be sticking around in the back of Corbyn's thoughts for a while.

—

hi 🥺 this is the first chapter i have written for a book 'headspace' i've been working on since around april

i only have around five full chapters completed, and right now don't have much inspiration on where to continue with it. i plan on HOPEFULLY writing this book completely though !! so please let me know if this is something you'd wanna see :))

warning though if written- this entire book deals heavily with depression/suicidal themes. just a pre warning !!

love you guys !! i hope you're all doing good :) <3