Dramione - Hate Is A Strong Word

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

~Ron’s POV~

     At first, everything was perfect. Everything was back to normal. I was back and I had Hermione. But after the euphoria wore off, I started to notice certain changes Hermione had towards me. It wasn’t intentional, obviously, she was evidently trying her best to hide it. But I knew her extremely well, she had been my best friend for many years and I was good at seeing if she was keeping something from me; no matter how hard she tried to conceal it. As soon as I noticed it the first time, I saw it every time.

It made me hate myself.

     The first time I noticed it was when she was sitting by the lake, just looking out. I crept up and hugged her from behind, “Hey Hermione.” I said. She jumped a mile, and rapidly stood up, pointing her wand at me. First, I thought she reacted in that way because of the initial shock. But her eyes remained glazed with fear. She realised her mistake and put her wand away, muttering “Sorry. You scared me.” Still the look didn’t leave her eyes, and she constantly scanned me, cautious I would, at any moment, turn back into the controlled monster I was.

That look haunted me. Since then, I kept my eyes open for other ways in which she revealed she was still afraid of me being near her. And I noticed it all the time.

     I walked into her common room to study with her. As I opened the door, she was having a quiet conversation with Draco, which I didn’t mind too much about, because I could tell he cared for her a lot and he had changed. Plus, Hermione trusted him, and no one had better judgement than her. When I trudged in, she turned round and locked eyes with me, recoiling back into Draco, grabbing his hand on instinct. She let go as quickly as she had reached for it. I pretended not to notice, but I had; she broke her shield, divulging that she was still frightened of me. The more I tried to ignore it, the more it became blatantly obvious. I just couldn’t bring myself to accept the truth.

However it happened again whilst we were studying.

She was zoned out, fiercely scribbling on her parchment. I wanted to ask her a question about the work. So I tapped her shoulder, she instantly flinched away from me, trembling ever so slightly. I withdrew my hand and pretended not to have seen.

But I had and it clawed at me constantly. She was still fearful of the cursed version of me returning. The guilt ate at me, until I had to do something about it. I couldn’t make her happy anymore. She deserved more than me. So I decided to talk to her about it. When I knew we were alone, I sat her down in her common room.

“Look Hermione, I…”

“What’s the matter Ron?” she said kindly.

“I… I… I can tell you are still scared of me because of what I did to you when I was under the imperious curse.” I blurted out as quickly as I could. I had never been good with words. And talking about delicate subjects.

“What? I… no-” she was taken aback.

“I know you are, I have known you for years, so you can’t hide anything from me Hermione. You flinch when I go near you and you jump when you see me.”

“Ron, it doesn’t matter, I’ll get used to it, I know you would never actually hurt me.”

“No Hermione, you won’t, what I did will never leave you, not properly. We can’t live like this, it isn’t fair on either of us. Especially not you Hermione.” I had to be hard and forceful otherwise I would have let Hermione talk me down, which couldn’t happen.

She remained silent and gulped back tears.

“I’ve got to go now.” I pressed my lips against her forehead and she closed her eyes. “I love you Hermione.” I was crying. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I continued, whilst looking deep into her chocolaty eyes. “Thank you for trying for me.”

And I walked away, each step tearing me apart. I opened the door and turned to look at her. Tears streamed down her beautiful face. I took in everything about her; her wild, curly hair, her big, brown eyes and her shaky smile. “Draco’s a nice guy.” I said, in an attempt to sound casual. “Think about that.” I winked at her and walked out the door.

I broke down. I couldn’t continue. But from somewhere deep inside of me, I knew I had done the right thing.