I Ate Fundy (with a dash of lettuce)

So I kinda ate Fundy...

Okay, okay, it was an accident.

So you know how Fundy's mom is a salmon? No, she's not named Sally... Wait, I think she is - but that's not the point! My point is that his mom is a salmon, which means he's a human-salmon hybrid.

Or maybe he's a fox. I dunno. I have no idea why he's a fox when his mom is a salmon and his dad is a random human that likes to wage war with Dreams. Maybe he's just 1/3 salmon, 1/3 human, and 1/3 fox. But where did he get the fox genes? Does he have a third parent? That's just weird. I don't think that's possible.

Whatever. The point is... Wait, what was I talking about?

So I was talking about how Fundy was a fox... And 1/3 human... And... Oh yeah, how I ended up eating him.

So, well, um... I guess let's start. I was logging on to the Dream SMP one day -- don't ask me, I was invited because... I'm me. Yeah. It was really just pure luck, one day I was going to a college party and I met Cla- I mean Dream and we-

Aaaactuually let's not talk about that. I don't think that's PG.

So well, I was logging on, it was the usual - Tommy being an absolute weirdo, Dream running around boasting his awesomeness, and people raging wars everywhere. I was invited to Fundy's house for a party... Because it was his friend's birthday? Who in the world throws a party- you know what, I'm not complaining, because while we watched Tommy destroy the world, we got to eat chocolate. Chocolate! Choco-latte! I don't regret it.

So this random dude called Nick or something started talking to Fundy about his mommy, and they were like "your mom is a salmon cool" or whatever I don't really care. And just to spite the fox, I pulled out a box of salmon - I prepared this beforehand - and started munching it down.

Reader, you don't know how much I love salmon! It's my lifeline, it's my blood! I love salmon with all my heart, how it tastes both raw and cooked, how juicy it is, how rice and seaweed made it so delicious - as you can see, it kinda enraged him, reader. Like he was P*SSED. So he started throwing my precious salmon in the trash and we got into a huge fight.

SO uh we kinda broke Fundy's table and he demanded payment but I said no and we started fighting again but the Nick dude (I think he's George) was like "no!" and he forced us on a car ride to go fetch some groceries and "learn to get along." Yeah right, get along. I don't know why I even went to the party except for the gourmet chocolate! But everyone at the party started pushing us so I was forced on a car with Fundy, who threw away MY PRECIOUS SALMON like HE WASTED SO MUCH SALMON WTH?!?! So we started driving and uh Fundy kinda crashed.

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. He was the driver, and he crashed! I totally did not throw everything in my hands at his head and accidentally distract him! I would never do that! Right...? Anyway, we ended up being in this strange forest place IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT and it was so dark and spooky... But like we just walked around. I think we walked in the opposite direction where we were supposed to go because we ended up walking the whole night just in the same forest. So yeah, stupid Fundy wouldn't admit it, because he's stupid, but we were lost. 

SO uh I kinda got super hungry. I think you know where this is going. 

So I was like: "Hey I'm hungry you got any grapes?" and he was like "No, this is a lemonade stand" like what???? Is he stupid or something? Because I didn't see any lemonade stand anywhere! 

And he's like "yeah okay let's just keep walking" but like HELLO?!?! I was STARVING here and he just ignores me and tells me that we just keep walking? Like, disrespectful much? So just right then he bonks his head on a tree and passes out.

Well, he deserved it.

So I was like, "huh, his mom is a salmon. Does that mean he tastes like Salmon?" and I was like, my mouth was super watery and I was like... Like... What were we talking about again?

No seriously, I forgot.

Oh, right, I was about to eat the guy! So like I was like: "hey why not eat him he's technically not human this isn't cannibalism" so I just grabbed a tree branch and started smacking him.

Y-y-y-y-yeah not the best course of action.

So that didn't work, and now there was red liquid all over me. Ew. So I was like, "Hey, I learned in school that the stone age people carved stones into pointy stones that could do stuff. Why don't I do that?"

So I grabbed a stone and I just started chopping away. 

Unfortunately, at that time the fox woke up and he's like "what the why am I bleeding."

And I'm like: "that's not blood you're not bleeding."

And he's like: "I'm so obviously bleeding. Can you not see?"

And I was like: "No it was just some red liquid that came out of you when I smacked you with a tree branch."

And he was like: "Why would you smack me with a tree branch."

And I was like: "Because I wanted to eat you."

He did not like that.

He was like: "bruh you're a cannibal." And I was basically done by the stone thing at that point because it was definitely cleaner than before, so I just smacked him with the stone and he passed out again.

So I started trying to amputate some stuff but unfortunately, the stone wasn't sharp enough, so I was pretty annoyed. I almost quit, but then my stomach rumbled.

I don't know if your stomach rumbles, reader, it probably doesn't. You see, I'm a special human whose stomach rumbles when I get hungry. It's not a very good feeling. You wouldn't understand, you're not me.

So I was like: okay I need to hurry or else I will be hungry. So I ran around the forest until I got back to the car - don't ask - and I grabbed some shattered glass, and I ran back. I kinda got lost on the way and ended up being more hungry, which only strengthened my lust. I ran back to him and chopped some stuff. 

Fortunately, I was once part of the boy/girl scouts, so I know how to start a fire.

So I went and grabbed a ton of dry stuff with rocks and I crashed the rocks together until there was a fire. I poked a hole through the meat and started cooking the thing. It smelled bad.

So Fundy woke up and he's like: I'm bleeding even more?!?!? I'm just laughing because that guy is too funny. He is NOT bleeding! How is he bleeding?! I was like: "Yeah, yeah right." And he was like:

"What are you cooking. Also, I'm bleeding help plz."

I said no.

I told him that I was cooking him and he was really mad. Like even more madder than he was when I ate salmon. He told me he was going to call the police for cannibalism, but I was like: "bruh you're not even human chillllllllll."

Fundy was super mad but since I am twelve times smarter than him he shut up.

So the meat was done and I ate it.

That's it, really. I ate Fundy. Just so you know, he did NOT taste like humans. Not that I have ever eaten a human, but it was more Salmon than anything. Hey, maybe he takes after his mom more, I don't know. Reader, did I mention that I love Salmon? I ate it with glee. So THIS is what Fundy tasted like. Yum!

Yeah, an hour later we found our way back to his house. Fundy had to be sent to the hospital because he was "bleeding." Ha! Such a liar!