Runner's High // Bang Chan

17//Fools

I am tired of this place, I hope people change
I need time to replace what I gave away
And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small
Though I try to resist I still want it all

-Troye Sivan

_________________________________________

"It was my first year , being in the same dorm as Jenna I tried talking to her and everyone else , I guess I was pretty cheerful at the time , She barely paid any attention to me at first so I didn't bother her much .

At the sports tryout the first week , I tried out for badminton and basketball , after the basket ball tryouts Brian approached me , he was nice , really polite and well , kept making jokes it was easy for me to get along with him , I sat with him during the self study sessions since he asked me to help him with history .

The next day Jenna offered to show me around the school properly,  I was pretty thrilled to talk to her so I went along with her .

She was sweet at first , really sweet that I didn't realize when she started making comments about how I look , more specifically telling me to stop eating much,  gifting me makeup products telling me it'll help me look better.  I took it as her being concerned for me , I never took it negatively at first but it worsened . She told me maybe I should start smoking to lose weight faster , I did not want to . She started calling me a coward then . She made it look like she was joking but it hurt me a lot .

Soon after she told me that the only way left for me to control my weight would be to starve and I almost did but I couldn't keep up . Every time I ate there would be guilt building up inside me .

Everything became too much , those small jokes , those side comments, it became a burden on my chest , I couldn't sleep properly ever since . she told me she noticed I was stressed so she put in the idea of self harm into my mind . She said she used to see her middle school friends do it and that they said it helped . That night I made my first cut and soon enough it became a habit .

Weeks passed by , I kept talking to Brian , he never noticed my anxiety or discomfort. I thought I was doing a good job at hiding my emotions . I started liking him . I made the mistake of consulting Jenna whether I  should confess or not and she said I should wait for him to like me .

I believe she told him about the self harm . He called  me to the chemistry lab that evening said he had something to talk about . I was hopeful . All of expectations shattered then when the first thing he did was pull up my sleeve , he laughed at me , called me a freak and then forced himself on me , lack of food , sleep and all of damage that the self harming did I was unable to fight back . Jenna entered then and let the everyone know the opposite of what happened "

Chan leaned back blinking away his tears , there was no one left in the cafeteria now .

Jessie shifted closer to Maya and rubbed her back letting her cry . Everyone remained silent for a while .

"We'll be here for you , now you have us always " Minho spoke up . Maya smiled , the weight of hiding this dropped . She felt lighter knowing that they acknowledged her as the victim and didn't blame her .

It was a euphoric feeling , the feeling  of being accepted after so long , the feeling of being loved after so long and the feeling of being at peace after so long .