Romeo & Juliet • ASOUE Prequel

one • that's not a name he'll forget

The sleeves of his blazer ended just over half way between his elbows and wrists, the noticeably short length of his trousers exposed his alarmingly bright red socks and his tie was missing altogether. But he thought the new way he was starting to style his hair looked really cool that day, so none of that mattered.

He was on the bench outside the principal's office, but not in the way you would normally sit. He was upside down, with his head tilted backwards off the edge of the seat and his feet resting on the wooden board along the top. The same way in which a little kid would sit on the couch so they could pretend they were a bat or laugh about how it looked like their family were walking on the ceiling.

It was going to be his first day at Prufrock Preparatory School, a boarding school that his father had sent him to at a loss with what to do with him. To be fair, his son had spent the past few months setting ants on fire using the light from the sun and a magnifying glass, catching spiders and leaving them in his bedroom after he found out he was scared of them, and otherwise disturbing the entire planet with what he considered fun.

When the principal finally opens the door after what seems like hours, a girl around his age walks out. As she does she mutters "The broom closet," to herself with an exasperated expression on her face.

Already he was beginning to question what kind of a school it really was that he had been sent to.

The boy tries to spin around and form a normal sitting position but he ends up kicking where his legs were and accidentally pushing himself off the bench altogether. He stands back up quickly, glad no one else was there apart from the girl who was already leaving. That wouldn't have been his ideal first impression.

A stern-looking man with wild greying hair comes into view. "Sorry for the wait, boys."

He begins to walk towards the office and then turns around at the realisation that the principal had also been talking to someone else.

Another boy, who was sat on the other side of the bench out of view, also stands up. He's rather short, his dark brown hair is neatly parted, his resting face is somehow a half-smile and he just has a general goody-two-shoes vibe around him.

"Lemony Snicket," goody-two-shoes says to him cheerily, extending a hand for him to shake.

"Olaf," he replies, ignoring the gesture. He decides he'll touch upon the fact that two grown adults willingly decided to name their kid "Lemony" later.

"Come on in," the principal says after an awkward silence, in which Lemony had stared at his own hand in what looked like disappointment.

Olaf and Lemony walk into the office. It's cramped, yet somehow has the space to be full of books. There's an open violin case in one corner and the instrument itself is on the desk, placed in the same caring way you'd place a glass ornament on a shelf.

"I'm going to make this quick as, quite honestly, I care a whole lot more about my violin practise than I do the children here. As you may already know, Olaf, I am your new principal, Principal Feint. Everyone simply refers to me as Caligula so you can do that too if you wish. Do you have any bags with you?"

"I only brought the things in my backpack," Olaf replies, gesturing to it.

"Right. And Snicket, I obviously called you in here for a reason too. This is your new roomate, Olaf..."

"Just Olaf. I'm sorry, did you just say roomate?"

"We only have two spaces available for orphans and I just gave the broom closet to Miss Thompson."

Oh. So that was what that was about.

"But I'm not an orphan."

"Yes, that's true, but there are only so many rooms here."

"When my father applied there was a spare room!" he shouts.

"Yeah, well, that sounds like a you problem. Someone else was admitted and given a room before your arrival. You'll be staying in the shack with Snicket. Don't worry, if anything happens to Thompson then one of you two can go in the closet instead."

"Oh goody," Olaf says with the blankest voice and expression he can muster.

"Well, I need to get on with practising so, Snicket, show him around or something. Bye!"

The two of them stay standing there, confused, wondering if the conversation had actually happened at all.

"Bye!" he says again, a little louder and more angry this time, so they both decide to leave, shutting the door behind them.

"Is he serious about the whole shack thing?" Olaf asks Lemony as soon as they're out of earshot.

"Unfortunately he never lies. He's very resolute when it comes to these things. Resolute is a word which here means that when Caligula has one opinion or decision and then after he gets that idea in his mind he doesn't-"

"I know what resolute means," Olaf snaps, though he really doesn't. "So, you're an orphan?"

Lemony shrugs. "Mother and Father went missing in the area of the dairy farm I was born at, which is near the Snicket mansion. They were never found. Some people think they were fed to the cows by the cheesemakers there because of some complicated financial thing, and others think they drowned either in the milk or in the lake next to the factory. There are no bodies so it's not like anyone can confirm nor deny anything. But in my opinion, I don't think they're really dead. I think they're too clever to just... y'know."

Olaf doesn't even know what to say to that. Every word of that paragraph made it weirder.

"On with the tour," Lemony carries on, like they were having a completely normal conversation.

The two of them walk down a long, empty corridor.

"Where is everyone?" Olaf asks as they begin to walk down a flight of stairs.

"Lessons are currently taking place. I got to skip to show you around."

"I'm glad I can be of help."

When they get outside of the building, they notice it's already dark, so the Thompson girl had quite possibly been in there for actual hours. Lemony takes two flashlights, one out of each of his pockets, and passes one to Olaf. He then turns his on, and shines it, illuminating a series of buildings Olaf had already seen out of the car window on the way in.

"This is the courtyard," Lemony says, "but my sister decided to name it the Graveyard because of the way all the dormitory buildings look like huge tombstones, and it was really quite funny and so it stuck."

"You're easily impressed, aren't you?"

"I get that a lot."

"It isn't a compliment."

"I am aware."

Olaf pauses. "You said you have a sister. Does she not live in the shack too?"

"Her and my brother paid Caligula to let them have proper rooms in a proper dormitory."

"The students shouldn't really have to pay to have rooms though, right?"

"Just because something shouldn't happen it doesn't always mean it won't. Besides, the shack isn't that bad. Well, apart from the fact that you get hay instead of a bed. And the ugly wallpaper. And the fungus. And the crabs. And the fact that everyone calls it the Orphans Shack and tip it over for fun while I'm sleeping because it's made of tin and doesn't hold onto the ground as it should."

"But apart from that it's a really good place to call home, right?"

Lemony laughs, but Olaf's mood doesn't change.

"I can't believe I have to live in this dump," Olaf says.

"Don't look to happy about it."

"Trust me, I'm not."

---

Author's Note:

Is this funny? I think it's pretty funny. It gets better.