Collateral Damage

Chapter Seven

I didn't see Ana again for the rest of the day. We didn't have any classes together this semester, and there was no point in trying to corner her after school.

As much as I hated myself for what I said to her, I couldn't deny the treacherous feeling of relief that came from finally unleashing my feelings. Besides, I was so sick of her trying to push me into something I wasn't ready to do.

I'd like to see how she'd handle her boyfriend being accused of rape, I thought irritably as I walked the seven blocks from the school to my neighborhood. So what if I don't want to go to Homecoming? It doesn't make me an emo!

And how could she compare me to Bernadette? I wasn't the one acting like a martyr while the rest of the school coddled me from the big bad world.

Nobody gave a damn about how I felt. They just wanted me to move on with my life so that they wouldn't have to feel bad about Matt.

It wasn't like I enjoyed being miserable. I did want to be happy again. But the only thing that would make me happy was if Matt came back and everything magically went back to the way it used to be.

By the time I got home, I was still in a foul mood. My parents wouldn't get home from work for another three hours. I knew I ought to take advantage of the quiet and get started on my homework for the weekend. Maybe everyone would stop pushing me if I at least got my grades back to normal...

I sat down at the kitchen table, staring at the pages of my math book. Five pages of problems were due on Monday. All the numbers and problems seemed to blur together in strange shapes.

Math was never my strongest subject, but I always got by somehow. The old me would have finished all the problems finished by nighttime. It was my personal rule: get everything on Friday, be free to have fun Saturday and Sunday.

Now I just couldn't muster the energy to focus. What was the point of keeping weekends free? Matt was gone, and Ana wasn't talking to me.

The ongoing silence left me bored and restless. Screw homework. I needed to get some air. I grabbed my coat, shoes, and key, and headed out for a walk around the neighborhood.

It was the first time I went on that route without Kody. Big dogs need lots of exercise and he was no exception. Whenever we went out for a walk, he charged ahead of me, pulling so hard on his leash that he could have pulled my arm out of my socket. The only thing that made him more excited than the actual walk was if people passed us by—which only meant he had to stop and get some attention from them. Hardly anybody could resist a big, dumb, friendly Lab.

Other than me, Matt had been Kody's favorite person. He never had a dog of his own; his parents were total neat freaks and didn't want a pet messing up their house. I'd never forgot his sad, jealous face that day in first grade, when I ecstatically shared the news that my family adopted a puppy. To make him feel better, I told him he could play with him at my house whenever he wanted. He didn't waste any time taking me up on my offer; he came over so much that we began to pretend that he was Matt's dog too. Together, we taught him how to sit, stay, roll over, and play fetch.

Over the years, Kody really did become our dog. Matt spent more time with him than Sam or either of my parents did. He was the one that could calm him down in his wilder moods. If Kody needed a walk, all I had to do was call Matt and the three of us went off to the park, the two of us grasping the leash while Kody charged at the nearest squirrel...

In the last few months of his life, Kody seemed bewildered by Matt's sudden disappearance. Dogs didn't understand things like lies or the damage they could inflict. All he was aware of was that life had changed. Matt wasn't coming around anymore. I don't think he wanted to believe it any more than I did. Sometimes he'd sit at the front door for hours, as if any moment he'd expect Matt to show up.