Collateral Damage

Chapter Twenty-Three

December came, bringing dull, gray days of bitter cold. The autumn leaves faded and fell into shriveled brown piles that were soon buried underneath the first snow of the season. The trees stood bare, with only bird nests to adorn their branches.

Our neighborhood decked itself out in Christmas lights. But John's house remained dark. Grams was too preoccupied with the custody hearing to bother with decorations. John wasn't in the holiday spirit either. Between school and trying to hold things together at home, he didn't have enough energy to write up a wish list. He confided that Jasmine was so wound up that she didn't even want anything for Christmas.

That was so depressing. She was still a kid. This ought to have been the happiest time of the year for her; she shouldn't waste it by agonizing over some stupid court hearing.

Not that I blamed her. I didn't have a Christmas list either. I didn't see the point when there was nothing I really wanted—nothing I was excited about anyway. My parents, on the other hand, were determined to instill some holiday cheer in our house. They cut down a big Douglas fir, retrieved our ornaments and decorations from the basement, and started playing Christmas CDs at night.

My mother was also starting to drop hints about getting a new pet. She and I went to the animal shelter one Saturday to donate some old towels and blankets...and as long as we were there, she insisted, we might as well check out the animals. I saw the tactic for what it was, but it was hard to resist all those cats and dogs peeking out from rows of cages, begging with those big innocent eyes to be taken home for the holidays.

"Really, honey, I think it might be time," she said when we got home. "The house is so quiet without poor old Kody."

"Yeah." My eyes were glued to the living room window, a perfect view of Kody's snow-covered grave.

"So many dogs there...the puppies were cute, but some of those older dogs were nice too, weren't they? I'm sure they could use a home."

"Uh-huh."

"Or maybe a cat. What about a cat? That might be easier to take care of."

"Maybe."

She sighed at my apparent lack of interest. "It doesn't mean we love Kody any less. There's nothing wrong with giving love to another animal that needs it. And he'd want you to be happy."

"I know," I mumbled. Deep down, I was seriously considering it. With John so preoccupied over his family troubles, I felt more isolated than ever. The idea of a new furry friend was very appealing these days.

It wasn't betraying Kody, I kept telling myself. Sure, it had only been a few months, but that was long enough to grieve, wasn't it? A lot of people don't even wait that long to get a new pet; that doesn't make them callous or unfeeling.

Besides, my mother was right. There was nothing wrong with letting yourself love again. And I did have the right to be happy again. That was what Ms. Walker said. Ana kept telling me that too. And if Matt could go and get himself a new girlfriend, then I was free to get myself a new—

Wait, what?

I tore away from the window, looking at the ground. It's nothing, I thought. It was a mistake. You were thinking about Kody, not Matt. Not John.

John and I were just friends. Just friends. That's what I told everyone, that's how I felt. Why did everyone have to make a big deal over the fact that he was a guy? It didn't mean anything. He wasn't interested in me that way.

At least that's what I thought. But Jasmine seemed to think otherwise.

"John likes you, you know," she informed me when the three of us took her out to the library a couple weeks ago.