Dear Diary,
Spiraling. Spiraling further and further into darkness.
Nothing makes sense. Nothing matters.
Life isn't how I pictured it'd be when I was younger.
"When I turn 18 things will be better."
Nothing changed.
"When I graduate I'll be happy."
"When I turn 21 things will be great!"
"All I have to do is find someone I love."
Six months later he broke my heart.
"I'll focus on my career and the money will make me happy."
It bought me things I like. But not happiness.
I'm starting to realize there's a possibility I'll never be happy.
Maybe when I have kids things will start looking brighter for me.
Then it hits me. I'm unlovable. Every person who has come into my life has only stayed for a moment. My friends. My boyfriends.
It's okay. I'll do it on my own. I'll have a baby on my own.
-- Wait.
Thousands on a house. Bills on top of bills. $15,000 on IVF.
No one to help.
It's all on me.
I'm one person just trying desperately to find happiness.
Don't I deserve it? After years of darkness and tears, don't I deserve to smile?
Maybe this is best. What kind of mother would I be?
The voices in my head tell me I'm worthless. They say I'll fail.
Maybe this is best. Being alone is best.
- Jessica Lange. The lonely girl.
