Little Secrets

Chapter 8 - 8 Letters

Every important sentence is eight letters. I miss you. I love you. Come back. And yet I cant manage to say any of them.

Shawn

What have I done?

The moment I walked out the door my muscles were screaming, no no no go back!!!! Turn around! I could feel the string that had tied my heart to Camila's growing taunt, distance stretching it out. It would snap. It would break my heart. But it had to be done... Right? If she thought it was a PR stunt, then I had to stay away, right? It's for the best.

***

"Shawn, what is up with you?" My mom asked at dinner. I'd been moping all day and I knew it, but there was nothing I could do about it. I felt the string. Still. It was so tight it hurt.

"Nothing, just a bad day." I said, forcing a smile. Aaliyah scoffed.

"I'll say. You made the biggest mistake of your life today." She informed me. I couldn't help but internally agreeing.

"I was supposed to be an aunt! With little Mendes-Cabello nieces! I hate you Shawn Raul Peter." She announces, throwing a grape at me. I chuckle, but it's sad, because I can see it too. Camila, sitting on the floor, playing pattycake with a three year old daughter while Aaliyah tickles a ten month old son. The string yanks on my heart and it aches. I massage the spot and don't say anything. Dad asks Aaliyah about school and the conversation veers off me. Thankfully. I can't deal with what I did anymore.

***

I roll the bottle in my hands again. Contemplating. I still can't decide if I really want to do this. Fifteen pills. I wouldn't make it to the morning. But I don't want to. Right? Then I'd never get to see her again. But I would have to look at her for the rest of my life and know I gave her up. I popped the lid off. But at least I'd get to see her stunning smile. I set the bottle down. Or maybe not. Maybe she'd never smile at me again.

Everything means nothing if I can't have you.

I picked it up, examining the interior, gazing at all the white pills. So innocent. No one would even suspect.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Aaliyah snapped behind me. I whipped around.

"Get out of my room." I sighed. Aaliyah shook her head.

"Not until you give me that." She held her hand out expectantly. My face hardened and the string tugged impatiently.

"Ady-"

"Don't 'Ady' me, sir. Give me that." She insisted. I shake my head. Aaliyah sighs and marches up to me, takes my hand, and drags me into my room, sits me on my bed, and sits across from me.

"Shawn, look at me." Aaliyah said quietly. I reluctantly met her eyes. She was so old. She grew up and I missed it. "You love her." Aaliyah's voice was soft. I nodded, looking away. "Look at me. You miss her." Ady continues. I nod, looking at her again. "You regret leaving her. You want her back. I know." She takes my hand and looks at me, her face intense, and a little sad. So grown up.

"Yeah." I whisper hoarsely. Ady nodded.

"I don't know much, Shawn, but I know Camil-"

"Don't say her name." I say sharply. Aaliyah nods.

"I know she feels the same way. She probably is missing you too. You need to go make it right." Ady says gently.

"I know." I insist, pulling away, "But I can't." I bury my head in my hands. "I can't because it's just a PR stunt, and Ca- Camila said so, but I never wanted that Ady." I looked up at her again, desperate. "So, I'm stuck. Because I thought she told me she loved me, but apparently she's just good at acting. And I can't stand it. I can't sit there, totally and utterly-" in love with her. But I couldn't make myself say it.