Crashing Into You

Mommma

"Mommmma. Mommma." I jolt awake to someone mumbling my sweet name. Alex. I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep. The chemo is really making me tired and weak.

"Careful, Alex. Mommy is fragile." My mommas sweet voice is quiet.

"Hey baby. How ya doing?" I smile at him.

He holds up Dr. Seuss, letting me know he wants to be read to

I struggle to sit up. They were our first visitors in a week. Jeff never came back, Martha's husband would be here today and Mom has kept them busy going to fun places.

"Sure baby. Sit up here." I wrap my arms around his body and put the book in between us.

I'm half way through reading the book and I'm feeling loads better. Alex makes me so happy when he laughs and giggles to the silly words.

I hope my mom will make him this happy.

My mom is talking with Martha, no I did not get a room change. The nurse said no. I pouted and begged, she said no again.

I was laughing with Alex when I heard a loud crash at the doorway. Jeff was standing there with a shocked look on his face starring at Alex and I. Roses and a vase were scattered on the floor. His eyes went to Alex then to me. Oh Jesus. So dramatic.

" Uh. Hi this is my son Alex."

"Alex." He nods. "Alex how old are you?"

"You already-"

"2! 2!" Alex holds up his right hand showing the number 2 and waves it in the air.

"When is your birthday, Alex?" What is he doing.

"He's two, he can't tell you that yet." I scoff, idiot.

I can see Jeff's  wheels turning. Counting the months backwards. His eyes lock on mine and I look away only because I know my tears will give it away. The drugs are making me this way? No your right, I'm always this way.

"Hey mom. Will you take Alex and get some ice cream from the cafeteria?" I ask my mom quietly.

"Sure, let's go buddy." My mom grabs at an excited Alex.

"What are you doing Jeff?" I scoff.

"Uh, I think I'm gonna go for a walk." Martha got up and wheeled her IV with her.

"Why did you keep him from me?" Angry?! Was he serious?

"Why? Maybe I was gonna tell you. Maybe... hmm that's why I was calling so many times!!"

I had called him so many times to tell him I need to get a paternity test. He wouldn't answer. Not once.

"You could have left a message." He rolled his eyes.

"You wouldn't have called me back. Half way through the pregnancy I just gave up." I look down at the floor, "you never loved me so why would you love our child?" I'm sobbing like an idiot....again. He probably thinks all I ever do is cry.

"I would have helped. I would have been there."

"Oh yeah, ok. Good one!"

"I would have! You gotta believe me! I would have done what was right. Right by you and the baby."

"I had a perfectly good husband to have a baby with." Laced with venom. "One that, on the day of my wedding I came to YOU and told me to fight for me. You told me to marry him! You told me you didn't love me! When I begged you. I begged you. Go home, Mark. I'm tired, I don't have the energy to fight you today."

"I'm not walking away. I'm not walking away from Alex. He is my son. I have the right to love him."

"I didn't know you were capable of such a feeling"

"I'm not."

"Clearly."

Cue awkward silence.

"I loved you once. I loved you the day you asked me to love you. I loved you the day you begged me to love you. But I had to give you to Max. I was saving you from myself. He was better than I was." Jeff looked honest.

What. This is what I wanted to hear for so long. My heart was swelling.

"Clearly not. Would you have slept with Meg? Would you have left me after you just found out I had Cancer?"

"Hell no."

"Then you saved me from nothing. Please just leave."

"Emma our son."

"You can see him when I'm ready."

"You have had two years to be ready!"

"Not until I'm ready."

"Emma—"

"Mommma. Mom. Momma." Alex smiles, barely being able to run into the room with chocolate ice cream all over his face.

I look over at Jeff, who is completely in awe of the little boy in front of him. He kneels down and they just look at each other. Alex squeals at him, making Jeff laugh, a noise that was melody to my ears. I haven't heard that laugh in so long.

Shame washes over me. I just kept this precious love from his real dad. But was Jeff  really capable of the love my son needs?

He will be ready to love Alex when you are gone.

Alex needs him.