meant to be yours // heathers au // EDITING

eighteen

Veronica's POV

JD got life in prison.

Lydia's murder was reduced manslaughter, as it was accidental. The coroner found she had heart problems, which contributed to her death. She was so afraid of JD as he beat her that her heart just stopped. I don't know if that information helped me grieve or not.

Heather Chandler's faked suicide, as well as Kurt and Ram's, originally implicated me. JD told the police that he had manipulated me into all of it, apologizing for doing so. But it didn't matter, the statute of limitations was up. He couldn't be punished for it and neither could I.

The bombing at Westerburg was the nail in JD's coffin. Had he not done this, he would have served for Lydia's death alone. But because he did, he was given a cruel sentencing.

The thing that saved him from being put on death row was that he was underage when he blew up our high school. He was also incredibly mentally ill, as a psychiatrist had discovered. He had bipolar disorder and was diagnosed as a psychopath but I could have figured that out, you didn't need a degree to know that about him.

His lawyers tried to say he wasn't guilty because of this. They tried to get him sent to a psychiatric facility instead, for a lesser amount of time as well. The judge was not so keen on that and sent him to prison for the rest of his life.

The prison he was sent to had a fabulous psychiatric program, my mother told me in her attempt to comfort me. I didn't want to talk about any of it, I just wanted to write him.

My therapist suggested I found comfort in my writing. I didn't seem to find that comfort until I wrote a long letter to JD. I had no intentions of sending it originally. But then I was at the post office.

He wrote me back within a matter of days and we had been fucked up penpals for a while now. We could tell the other everything. I could talk about my frustrations of living at home and how Violet was doing. He could vent about therapy and his life in lockup.

I didn't feel bad for him being there. He locked me into a relationship for years. He would probably be treated better in prison than I was with him.

But I still found myself in my room, writing him a letter following his sentencing despite my better judgement.

JD,
I want you to know how sorry I am for this all. If I didn't run away, you wouldn't be where you are now. But it was the only choice I had left. That doesn't mean it was a good decision, though.

Violet is still very anxious, scared of this big world I've stuck her in without warning. She misses you and Lydia so much, she talks about you both a lot. She loves to play on that awful swing set in my parents' backyard and she adores music.

For your update on me, my doctors say I have Stockholm Syndrome. Which is because I love you even though you abused me. I can't dispute that you abused me, the minor brain damage you gave me from head trauma is proof of abuse. As well as the countless bruises I left with that day. That's not supposed to make you feel bad, it's just honest.

It's not healthy to love you. It's stupid, actually. You could have killed me. But I still love you and it confuses the hell out of me.

Why do I love you?

I don't ever think of you hurting me, I only ever think of the way you looked at me with so much love in your eyes. The fact that you smell like cigarettes and slushies. The way you used to tuck my hair behind my ear and call me beautiful.

If I continued being honest, I'd rather be dead than here. Everyone stares at me, they blame me for what happened to Westerburg. I knew they would do that but it's annoying. I didn't do it, you did.

I tried to stop you. What else was I supposed to do? You simply beat me fair and square.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Okay, that's a lie. I'm writing this because I still know that I can trust you more than anyone with my secrets. I can't tell anyone else anything that's going on in my head.

I can't tell them that I love you.

If anyone found out we were writing one another, they'd scream at me that it's unhealthy. I don't care what they'd say. I know you better than anyone else. I know that you love me and Violet with all your heart.

Maybe someday Violet and I can come visit you. That would make her happy. Or maybe someday, you'll get out of prison. That would make all of us happy, wouldn't it?

I don't know what else to tell you. Write me back, I guess? You'd do that anyways though.

I love you, JD
- Veronica