First Kiss, First Love, First Heartbreak

Chapter 6

I didn't say the L-word back. I couldn't. I like him a lot, but I don't know if I love him. But he didn't make me feel like I had to say it back. He knows I'll say it when I'm ready. And that's right. I will say it when I'm ready. But I'm just not yet.

I pull into the empty parking lot at the local coffee shop. Today it's thirty-one degrees, so I'm bundled in thick shirts, a sweater, and gloves and a beanie. It's not super cold, but cold enough for me to wear layers. I run into the coffee shop. I immediately smell coffee, I hear the machines that make the drinks, and I feel the warmth of the building heater. I take off my big coat and wrap it around a short wooden chair. Before I can order myself a coffee, I see Lizzy. And a boy. A boy who I know very well. Jeremiah. I look away but not quick enough.

Lizzy's face turns red. She gets up from where she and Jeremiah are sitting. "Liv, this isn't what it looks like." Her face is beet red, but I brush off how embarrassed she is. She was caught. Caught going out with him.

"It's fine. It's completely fine. You can date anyone, even the boy who broke my heart."

She shakes her head. "I'm not on a date. He was just telling me why he came back." She pauses and looks at him. "Liv, I think you should talk to him, he could really use a familiar face."

"Aren't you familiar enough?" I snap. I didn't mean to sound so harsh. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it in a bad way. I'm just trying to say that he put me through hell, and now you think I should be nice to him. I can't. I just can't go through anything else with that boy." She knows what he put me through. She was there with me the whole time.

"I understand, but still. Everyone is going through their own things. And Jere really needs you. He needs any help he can get. He's going through a hard time. I won't say anything else, but you should still try to give him a chance." Jeremiah didn't help me after he broke my heart, so why should I help him? He didn't seem to care when he left without saying a word. I loved him, and he left, and now he's 'going through something' and needs me. I don't think so.

I order a coffee and leave as quickly as I can. I grab my coat and leave Jeremiah behind. Just like he did two years ago.

***

After seeing Lizzy and Jeremiah together, I just can't stop thinking about what Lizzy said. He needs me. But I can't be there for him. But I also need to be a bigger and better person. Jeremiah may have broken my heart, and me, but that doesn't mean I need to be the same. I get in my car and drive, what used to be, a familiar route. I pass the sunflower field. I slow down when I drive by, taking in all the yellows, some dead flowers, and mostly alive ones.

Flowers represent us in a way. Some of us are broken, and some of us are all put together. But that's not true. Truly, we are all broken, some more than others. We're all broken, but you can't tell. Some of us are just better at hiding it. When Jeremiah left, I felt broken on the inside, but I never let my brokenness see the light. I hid how hurt I was. I hid it from everyone except Lizzy. So when I saw her today at the coffee shop with him without telling me, I just couldn't believe it.

I pull into the driveway that I last saw two years ago. It has the same red paint, it's faded a little more than it was, but generally the same. His car is parked next to his mom's car, she usually keeps it in the garage, or at least she used to. I walk up the two steps that lead to the gray house. I don't knock on the door right away. I take in all the memories I have here.

He has a pool, so during summer I was here everyday. One time, when we were already dating for a few months, I came over on a hot summer day. We were in the pool, I was on a float, I remember the smell, it smelled like the ocean. I was in the middle of the pool on a long blue float. He did a backflip in the pool and then flipped me so I fell face first in the water. We both knew Lizzy and her boyfriend would be over soon so we wanted to enjoy our alone time while we had it. He showed me how to do a proper backflip into the pool. I tried to copy what he did, but I slipped. When I slipped, I hit my head and had a concussion. His mom and dad drove me to the hospital even though I told them I was fine, I wasn't though. I saw like ten Jeremiah's at one time. I was sad our pool day got interrupted, but he wasn't. He was just happy I was okay, and that's the second I knew I loved him. I knew right there that I would love this boy forever. But I was wrong.

I take a deep breath and knock on the door. His mom is the one who opens the door, and I'm shocked by what I see.