First Kiss, First Love, First Heartbreak

Chapter 10

It takes us a while to find Cole but we find him lying in the middle of the basketball court covered in snow. He wasn't as lucky as me to find the way to the cafeteria. He has hypothermia. The school takes him to the hospital as soon as the roads are okay to drive on. I ride in the ambulance because no matter what, I still care. The siren wails, which is starting to give me a headache. I had to fight to be able to come. I told them I was his girlfriend and that since his parents won't be able to be there for a while, I should be there. It took some convincing, but I made my way here. I hold his hand. Tight. His fingers are stiff, but his heart is beating, and as long as his heart is okay, then I'm okay.

Since I'm not family, I can't be in the hospital room until they know he's okay. I wait in the waiting area. Sometimes sitting and sometimes pacing. My knee bounces and I crack my fingers. I'm scared. I know I'm only scared because I'm thinking of the worst outcome, but when someone we love is hurt, or their life is on the line, all we can do is think of the worst.

This room smells like my dentist. Yuck!

When the man, who is middle-aged, lets me see him, I run. I run because I need to see him. I walk into the room, and there lies a sleeping Cole. "Is he going to be okay?"

The man nods. "We're lucky you guys found him when you did. If he was there any longer, he would have permanent damage. But yes, he'll be okay. Nothing is permanent. It will take time to heal, but time is the only factor we can really count on." Nothing is permanent. Heartbreak isn't permanent. It will take time to heal, but time is the only factor we can really count on. My heart will take time to heal, but time is the only factor I can count on. It's like he knew. Like he wasn't just talking about Cole, but he was talking about my heart. I walk to Cole and hold his rough hands that are perfect for my soft hands. That were perfect. Those hands don't belong to me anymore.

He's dressed in a hospital gown and he's pale, very pale. I reach out and touch his face. He hasn't had a clean face shave in a while, but I like it. He's laying in a very straight position.

I start sweating so I take off my thick layers. I put them on a wooden chair that's in the back of the room. This silence is what I need. To think. I walk back to Cole, missing his hand in mine. I climb onto his hospital bed with his hand in mine. I let myself drift off. This may be the last time I'll ever touch him.

I wake up to him playing with my hair. I keep my eyes closed. I love this right here. If I could freeze this moment, I would. I eventually open my eyes, and his hands stiffen at my movement. "Sorry, I just love your hair." I nod and keep my head on his chest. I hear his heart beating. It's one of my favorite sounds. "You're okay." He says with his voice full of relief. How is he worried about me when he is in the hospital?

"Are we actually over?" I can feel his body stiffen. That means yes, doesn't it. I never thought I would have to say goodbye to him.

"Do you want to be?" He asks, his voice shaky. I don't want his voice to be like that. I don't want his voice to sound like he's going to cry.

I lift myself so I'm looking at him. "Of course not. Cole, you mean so much to me. I'm falling for you, I am. And I don't want us to be over. I promise from here on out, I'll tell you if I'm ever with Jeremiah."

He tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear. "I love you Livi, you know that. And if you promise to not lie again, then let's not be over." I kiss him. I hear him say ouch, but I ignore him. I'm not messing up this time. Cole is mine, and I am his. He took me back and I took him back. He loves me, and I'm falling for him. I sit up and put my hand to his heart. "I'm okay Livi, I really am." I smile. Yes, he is.

I put my head back onto his chest and inhale the smell of whatever medicines they put him on. They smell sour, but I'm too tired to care. The sound of his heart, leads me into my dreams.

I wake up when Cole's parents get there. I get off the hospital bed so they can give him hugs and kisses. They ask him why he was out there, and he answers something I didn't know. "Well, Livi and I had gotten into a fight. I got mad and walked away. I made it to the cafeteria just as it started getting hard. I realized after a while, she wasn't there. I was the reason she wasn't there." His eyes water. "I went out because she was out there in the snow. But I guess she made it in when I was just going out."

My eyes water. I'm the reason he almost died. I feel like I can't breathe. What will his parents think of me now? That I'm some girl who puts their son's life in danger. When his parents walk out to get lunch, I sit in the chair next to his bed. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He takes a deep breath. I feel my tears run down my face. The heat of them makes me very aware of how much I'm crying. He wipes them with his thumb. "I knew you would blame yourself. But Livi, don't. I'm okay. And I would rather be in pain than you."

I can barely swallow my saliva. "Don't say that. I'm not worth the pain."

"Liv, don't say that. You're worth anything and everything." His hands cup my cheeks. I feel little electric currents run through my body. His hands are warm, and perfect. He's perfect. I put my hand over his and enjoy this moment. I close my eyes and direct my consciousness to his hand.

Lizzy walks in wearing many layers. "Thank God you're okay." She runs up to us both and hugs us. "Now, you idiot, what were you thinking?" She says as she lightly slaps his arm. Her cheeks are a rosy red, and I can tell she's still cold because she hasn't removed her jackets yet. "You're insane." And she turns so her blue eyes meet my dark ones. "And you, you're lucky you didn't also end up in the cold." I give her a small smile. She asks me if I want to go with her to get lunch, I say no. But she drags me anyway. I enter the weirdly quiet cafeteria.

The tables are small and seat, at most, four people. Just like the hospital rooms, everything is white or light colored. She orders us both sandwiches and soda's. I say a quiet thank you, and we take a seat at a two seater table. We are both silent. I can tell she wants to say something, but she keeps her mouth closed. The silence is kind of awkward but nice at the same time. What would we even talk about? How Cole risked his life because I didn't just leave the nurse's office at the same time. Or how none of this wouldn't have even happened if Jeremiah never came back, or never left. But it's not his fault, not really. I was the one who didn't tell the truth.

She grabs her phone, types something and places it on the white, smooth table. "It's not your fault you know?"

I look down. I want to believe that, but I don't know if I can. "Lizzy, I want to believe that, I really do." I don't say anything else and neither does she. The quiet murmurs of the others around us was enough noise for me.

There are a lot of windows in this room. But since it's night time it's pretty dark, because there aren't many lights. I mess around with some loose pale yellow thread from my sweater. I twist it around my finger, and untwist it. I run it through my fingers. I do this multiple times. Mindlessly.

I want to go back to Cole's room, but I know his parents want some alone time with him. I continue playing with the thread until I have to go to the restroom. When I do, I stand up quietly and make my way to the bathroom.

Unlike the rest of the hospital, the bathroom has color. It's baby pink and white. I think the lack of color around the rest of the hospital was starting to drive me crazy. The pink soothes me, in a way. I take a deep breath and walk toward the rectangular mirror. The girl who looks back at me, looks nothing like me. She has dark brown messy hair from sleeping and bags under her eyes. And she looks older, like she isn't young enough to be in high school. I try to flatten my hair with my hand, but fail miserably.