Between Us [H.S.]

Hold Me While You Wait

Chloe's  P.O.V.

I open my eyes and I feel the sudden hangover coming to my temples and I shut them grunning. I stop the alarm almost blindly with my hand and stare at the ceiling.

Wait.

That's not my room's ceiling.

I quickly sit up on the bed and I look at the room around me. The light coming through the window on my right lets me see the great height I'm at. The walls are a mixture of white and grey, like a sophisticated white, while the wall where my bed rests, and now my back, is black. The floor is a strange tile, like not for the bathroom but strangely enough for a room. And then I remember Harry telling me that this used to be a pub. Flashbacks from last night coming back to my aching head as I try to put an order in it. 

I'm not in my apartment.

I'm at Harry's house, well, Harry's party apartment. Whatever this rich thing it's called.

Suddenly memories come back to me like waves to the shore.

Terrace kissing.

Pasta for dinner.

The kitchen counter.

Him playing guitar.

And then a fucking tsunami washes over me when I remember the sofa.

I don't even remember how it started but I can still feel his hands on mine, the wet kisses, his body grinding, his touches on my sensible nerves and his fingers curled inside me.

His fingers. How he moved them still gives me shivers. It was so good, feeling him and his cold rings against my heated skin. Last time I had a sexual encounter was with Danny and it wasn't very pleasing since I was overthinking about us all the time and I couldn't even cum. Don't get me wrong here, I've always enjoyed sex with her, but lately it wasn't the same, we had lost connection, which I find one of the most important things for good sex. I think it was since the night she cheated, it made me more insecure about myself and the way she percieved me, I  thought she like other girls more, I don't know if it's dumb, but I lost my self confidence, the little I had. 

Betrayal is something I feel so deeply, it's quite hard to give someone my trust, since I have issues with that, and when I do I give my all, she didn't respect that, and nothing was the same since. 

Sometimes I couldn't climax when we were having sex, but I enjoyed it anyway, but last time I just couldn't because I hated every part of it, I couldn't stop overthinknig so I faked it. 

Watch out Meryl Streep.

I was still scared with Harry. It had been years since I was with a man and I was afraid I could do something wrong. I also put a lot of my trust on him, letting him touch me in that way. I enjoyed it frankly and I was comfortable the whole time it happened, something he was very keen on. He made me feel good and at ease, something I hadn' felt in so long. The way he touched me also never seemed inappropiate or too forced, it just came naturaly to him, to us.

Trusting someone to touch me has always been difficult. I pretty much hate what I see when I look at myself  in the mirror and I always try to put in a facade like I'm somehow confident in my own skin but it's a lie. I'm constantly lying to myself and to others. Then I think how could I ask anyone for trust if I don't even trust myself.

I'm afraid of what Harry thought when he saw my thick thighs, or even my face when I was enjoying him. Of course I didn't want him to see my upper body, I think that was enough for me just for a night stand.

I hate it. Hate that I can't just relax, live, don't think about my stretch marks or cellulite, my hips or my big breasts. I just want to let go, but it's difficult. I hope it will get better with time.