Dear Diary,
For starters, I'm not planning on keeping the "dear diary" shit up. It's cute to start out with, but I feel like it will get tedious after a while. Also this might be something I do daily it might not, I tend to start things and then forget about them (looking at you cottagecore instagram account). Today was actually pretty good for me, I didn't really have school because the juniors and sophomores had to take the PSAT so I just did schoolwork online at a friends house.
I had a field hockey game tonight, we tied and I'm still pretty pissed about it. I'm scared I'll still have some pent up anger at school tomorrow, and that's not the kind of personality I present to my peers. Also I have to work on writing my leaving notes to the rest of the team as the season is ending, it makes me cry so hard. Being a senior s u c k s. Plus I have to write one to the girl I like and I'm still working out how to do that without sounding too gay. Y'know how you always overthink something when it's for someone you like? I don't even know what to say to her, and it's not like she knows. I'm planning on telling her after season so it doesn't make anything weird, because if she doesn't return the feelings (which is highly likely) (hooray) I don't want to make things weird.
It kind of sucks ass being a senior in high school and to have never dated anyone, not even had a first kiss. And it's weird to talk about with my friends since they're all in relationships, also I just feel weird and awkward talking about it. I mean there are much worse things that are happening right now, me being lonely and yearning doesn't seem like a huge concern. But I also know it's unhealthy to downplay your own problems, so I don't really know what to do. The few friends of mine who are single, though, are straight so they won't really be able to relate to the young gay girl's plight. It's a right shame isn't it.
What is it about being a young lesbian that makes you yearn? Also I say I'm a lesbian but I actually identify as pan, idk I'm still figuring stuff out I guess. That's what sucked the most to me about quarantine, I was so alone with my thoughts that I really got thinking about my sexuality and gender (yippee) so now I'm in some funky grey area of "I have no fucking clue what I am all I know is I'm not cishet" which is both freeing and frightening to realize. Don't get me wrong I've known I wasn't a heterosexual since I was like 12, but the gender thing never really crossed my mind. It's whatever I guess, you win some you lose some (idk what this would count as... a tie?)
Do you ever just feel like so totally and completely drained? Like mentally, physically, etc. Sometimes I just feel like I'm floating through a meaningless existence and others I feel like everything is fate and everything had a purpose. It's such a strange existence.
Well I'm pretty tired, and I have some work to do. So: stay dry, stay warm, be nice to people (even if you don't want to), I love you, have a good night.
Much love,
Bee xx
YOU ARE READING
Dear Diary
RandomBasically just a place for me to keep my thoughts, feel free to talk with me :) this is just me rambling about anything and everything so it could be a little boring just an fyi.
