Today was odd, to say the least, one of my friends asked me to hang out- that's not the odd part mind you- the odd part is that from the way I viewed it we'd be hanging out alone and I've never hung out with him alone before. It made me nervous, but it was all for nothing because two of our other friends came with us and I just laughed and nodded along with everything but not making a real effort to be there.
Do you ever do that? Put on some sort of wallflower-esque persona and not truly, deeply interact with people? I interact more with people in my head than I do in real life, not that that's a bad thing but it's just not good either. I don't think.
The main reason I hung out with them today is because he's been feeling a little ostracized from our friend group and I want him to know that I'm there for him, so when he texts me out of the blue I'm worried that he's not feeling well mentally and emotionally. I turned out to be wrong today, which is good. I don't know if I have some sort of hero complex, I feel like it's my duty to make everyone feel better and I need to be a constant in their lives. Someone they can depend on. But by doing that for all of them I often put my own thoughts and feelings aside, and I don't want to do it but it's done subconsciously at this point. I'm always putting others before myself, so when I get time and opportunity to essentially just fuck off and do what I want to do I take the opportunity and run with it.
Sometimes it feels fantastic and others I just feel guilty. That's one of the things I dislike about myself, I get this extreme sense of guilt, even when I have no control over anything. It's terrible to feel guilty about thing you know you're not responsible for or guilty of constantly.
Maybe that's the problem with being human, you just feel too much all of the time, and I know that's not the case with everyone but it is with me and sometimes it's too much to handle, it's just so overwhelming I burst. And bursting is not fun. Bursting usually involves me breaking down in the middle of the night and going outside to sit on the cold pavement and clear my head and rant into the night. It hasn't happened super recently, and I'm grateful. Although sometimes it's cathartic in its own way.
Anyways I'm very tired so I'm going to cut myself short. Remember: stay dry, stay warm, be nice to people, I love you, have a good night.
Yours,
Bee xx
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Dear Diary
RandomBasically just a place for me to keep my thoughts, feel free to talk with me :) this is just me rambling about anything and everything so it could be a little boring just an fyi.
