If Only (Book 1)

part 4

"Are you ok?" Tzuyu asks, helping Sana off the ground. "Yeah," she answers absentmindedly.

"What happened?"

"I have no Idea. It- came out of nowhere." Sana said, her voice shook. "Anyway, there's really two hours left?" She attempts to change the subject, but Tzuyu could see she was still shaken up. She didn't pry though. It would only piss Sana off.

"When's the next bus?"

"About 2:53."

"What are we gonna do for the next 40 minutes?"

"I guess we could just walk around."

Tzuyu shrugs and the two girls spend the next thirty-five minutes strolling around the quiet neighbor, like always, in silence. It's not that they didn't have anything to talk about. Tzuyu always had something to say, but Sana did think that was appropriate. They'd met two days ago, and after today, she didn't plan on continuing any sort of relationship with Tzuyu. As they waited for the bus however, she realized it would be practically impossible to escape the annoyingly tenacious girl.

"Are you going to spend a lot of time on the roof?"

"Yeah, I mean, I don't know anyone here. I'm not really gonna go out." Tzuyu chuckles, "why?"

The bus arrives and they enter. They're the only passengers. "Well it's just that it's sort of my place." Tzuyu finds a seat first. Sana sits across from her. The Japanese scoffs, "Like I said before, you don't own the roof.".

"Can you really not find somewhere else to smoke? Maybe another roof, stopping someone else from attempting suicide."

Tzuyu is upset by Sana's words, they weren't harsh but she thought maybe she'd found a friend in this town. "Damn, you'd think you'd be a little nicer after I saved your life. Twice."

Sana glares at Tzuyu, "I didn't ask you to. When someone is about to jump off a roof I doubt they'd be grateful to still be alive."

"Maybe I should've let you die that night."

Although Sana would never admit it, she was hurt. She clenches her jaw and looks away. The rest of the bus ride is spent in awkward silence. Their walk home is also silent. Once they reach the complex they take separate elevators. The two girls are indeed stubborn.

...

"How was school, honey?"

"It was fine." She smiles at her mother and without another word heads directly to her room. "Hey! How was school?" Her mother asks from one of the three beds. It was times like this she wished they still lived in Taiwan. Tzuyu flops on to her bed, "long." She looks at her sister warmly, "how's your head?"

"Tzuyu, you're going to have to forgive yourself someday."

"I know. I'm sorry Palei."

Her sister was the one that was injured. Mom forgave her, so why couldn't she? Probably for the same reason she felt bad for blowing up on Sana when she honestly deserved it, but Tzuyu is understanding. She knew Sana needed someone, for the same reason she knew something was going on with her. Experience. Sana is stubborn, possibly more than Tzuyu, but Tzuyu, she's irritatingly insistent on helping others.

...

Seven P.M rolls around, about the time Tzuyu usually takes her daily cigarette break. She knows that the girl she spent the day with will most likely be on the roof, but she couldn't risk parents seeing her if she decided to go out front, but some people found smoking in public offensive. Plus, it'd give her an excuse to reconcile with Sana.

Even though Tzuyu expected it, she is surprised to actually find the brunette standing at the balcony. Sana doesn't even glance in her direction, yet she still manages to know who it was, "I thought you weren't gonna come up here anymore." Of course, Tzuyu never saw anyone else on the roof. "Do you ever go home?"

"Rarely."

"So, you spend all your time here? Don't you get bored?"

"It's better than being at my house."

"Seriously, why is that?"

"You never answer, yet you always say you never wanna be home. Which means you do wanna talk about it, just not with me."

"You need to stop thinking you know everything about me, Tzuyu."

"I don't understand why it's so hard for you to trust me."

"I've literally known you for two days. You can't expect me to trust you."

"You can try."

"I can't, Tzuyu! Can't you understand that?"

"I can, but I know that even though you deny it as much as you do, you want someone to care about you."

"There you go with the thinking you know me again!"

"I don't know you, for all I know you could be some deranged psychopath, but I know what's it like to hide feelings, to hope that one at least one person cared enough to ask you how you are, if you're ok. I know what a cry for help looks like."

"What? What does it look like?"

Tzuyu walks over to Sana, she looks at the empty street below them, "like trying to jump off a building."

Sana's anger temporarily subsides, she swallows, "Did you?"

"I didn't try to throw myself off of anything but-"

"What?"

"It's not the same thing, I never even looked at that way."

"Looked at what, what way?"

"Back in Taiwan, I was so hopped up on pills that I sometimes didn't even know what day was. The week after school ended I was looking for them but I couldn't find them, I didn't realize I had finished them so I asked my sister. I was so certain she took them. Anyway, she denied it and I lost my temper. I slapped her, but I guess I don't know my own strength because she fell and hit her head. She ended up with stitches. That's why we moved here. My parents were so embarrassed they had no other choice but to move. I became so dependent on the pills I would steal money, sell clothes, do anything really. I guess something else I didn't realize, was that it wasn't the pills I wanted, but the pain they made me forget."

Sana doesn't say anything, only stares at Tzuyu. A sort of sympathetic look. Maybe she achieved in breaking the girls shell.

Sana laughs, "What bullshit!"

Or maybe not.